


Choices

by Henry085 (StonyRS), Stony RS (StonyRS)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Best Friends, Canonical Character Death, Death, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Love, M/M, Marauders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2020-12-27 08:42:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 55,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21115946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StonyRS/pseuds/Henry085, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StonyRS/pseuds/Stony%20RS
Summary: Hogwarts MaraudersWhat would've happened if Remus had said the truth when James asked him if he loved Sirius?What would've happened if Sirius hadn't been a fucking coward and instead had kissed Remus on fifth grade?And most importantly, what would've happened if that night at Godrics Hollow, Remus knew who was supposed to keep the secret and Sirius had been dragged out of his pain and madness when he saw Remus carrying a one year old infant?Mostly Canon, except for one small thing: WOLFSTAR IS CANON in here. So no Askaban.





	1. Making friends.

Remus Lupin used to be a smiley adventurous kid, he used to love a good summer afternoon by the lake, he used to love the sunlight through his hair, and his mommas pancakes, he had great big dreams about his future, he was going to be Hogwarts next headmaster, the greatest of all. He never had a doubt.

Until he was six and understood his place in the world.

Remus Lupin was bitten at four, but understood clearly what being a werewolf meant at six when he couldn't go out certain nights 'cause he endangered other kids, it was in fact a short age to loose all your dreams, too young to drain away the innocence of a child. Now he didn't care anymore about his future, he just focused on his survival.

His mom kept on saying she loved him the same, he was no different, no less than any other. But who was she trying to kid? Remus knew he wasn't a boy anymore, he was now a dark creature. He was a monster, a very well domesticated monster as a matter of fact.

He tried not to worry his parents so he decided to drown this thoughts deep into his skin, and to survive. He was grateful his parents stayed by his side. He knew he wasn't getting any friends, any girlfriends, nothing, so they were all he had. He didn't mind that. He just wanted to be a good wizard and do his best to land a job and help his family. That was all he now dreamt of.

All those big dreams that made his stomach turn in excitement? They were all gone and forgotten.

**First year**

He walked shyly to Gryffindors common room, he saw that many of the kids were already talking with each other, he felt left out but he didn't mind, he had sworn to himself he was going to try his best to remain invisible the next 7 years. It was the best for everyone.

"I don't recall your name" a dark haired tall chubby boy with hazel eyes said looking directly at him, he swallowed loud.

"Remus" said almost in a whisper.

"So you're a shy bloke?" He said with a phantom of a smirk on his lips. Remus started breathing heavily. 

"I..." he was beginning to stutter when he heard a laugh behind him, a not so tall, thin, -outrageous- beautiful boy with gray eyes and deep black hair behind him. He suddenly felt he could faint at any second, who was this kid? How could he be so pretty?.

"I think that was an unspoken but clear answer" The chubby one said when Remus wasn't able to say anything.

Remus just smiled shyly, his hands sweaty, his robes suddenly felt too tight. These boys looked extremely grown up, they had a kids face but their posture was extremely perfect, especially the one with gray eyes, behind it all was a dark cloud of mistery, a well worn aristocracy and some toughness. 

"Curious this one" the kid with hazel eyes said looking at him as if he were some kind of antique held in a museum. He was about to take a step further into his personal space, when the other kid talked.

"Leave him alone James" The kid with the gray eyes said a bit defensive, and the other kid just smiled but did as he was told. And as unexpectedly as they came, they left. 

...... 

He didn't know why, he was sure he was never going to know why, but those two random popular kids decided to be friends with him. 

He was extremely grateful, but also amazingly scared, because for the first time in his life he was getting attached to someone different than his parents, and he knew, he damn well knew he was going to suffer when they decided to leave him. Cause of course they were going to, it was just a matter of time. He was a fucking werewolf. And they were James Potter and Sirius Black. Both purebloods and heirs to great and ancient magic families and fortunes. And he was a skinny no one, a half-blood werewolf. 

He sometimes wished they'd never spoken to him. 

...... 

"So... You're all leaving for Christmas?" Peter, a strange chubby short boy who was recently trying so hard to befriend James and Sirius asked them. 

"Yes" James sounded excited.

"Yes, mom will kill me if I don't" Remus sounded warm and expectant. 

Sirius just nodded. 

That was the first time Remus saw a bit of bitterness in his eyes. The first time he thought that maybe that reckless, rule/breaker, funny kid wasn't as happy as he appeared to be. 

He felt a sting on his heart, he wondered about it, and after some hours, completely forgot.

**Second year**

Remus had learnt that James Potter was on the outside: terrifying. He was reckless, stubborn, too spoiled for his own good, he could be cruel and don't even notice, he had the profile of every bully that had bullied him as a kid, but he had also learnt he was sweet, and that cared way too much about them, especially about Sirius, James could be mean, but it was mostly cause he never learned to be empathetic, Remus used to scold him every time he crossed the line and James used to blush and apologize right after. He had a kind heart after all, and was without a doubt, a natural leader.

Sirius on the other hand was intriguing. Remus had noticed he was magnetic, every time he entered a place more than a couple of heads turned to see him. He was beyond handsome, had such an elegant posture and was a natural aristocrat. He used to know all about good manners and never bragged about it. He also was incredibly brilliant, he wasn't as mean as James, but sometimes could be heartless and cold. Remus knew he'd never forget his gray eyes when his brother got into Slytherin and his mother congratulated him and scolded him once again for being the first Black in centuries to be on a different house, worse, on Gryffindor. His eyes had been dark, cold, and empty. For a bit instant he looked as if he could take a life with no hesitation. For an instant Remus feared him, he found the coldness of Walburga and the cruelty of Orion. 

But soon after his mind was clear he had blinked, and his eyes were once again full of life and joy, and his smile was bright and confident. Sirius was back. 

And Remus sometimes felt a sting of envy, 'cause how hard could their lives be? They had been privileged since birth. 

He still knew way too little about them

..... 

"What happened!?" it was Sirius demanding voice matching his fierce look. Remus smiled shyly. 

"I'm fine. Fell from the astronomy tower" 

"Again?! You fell last year, remember?" 

Remus wished to die right there and then. He thought he had never used that excuse before. He just nodded. 

"Damn Rem, you really need to watch your step " Sirius said with a consterned look and sat next to his bed, he took his hand naturally and with his other hand opened the chapter of History of Magic they were at. 

"The Crimes of Grindelwald" he started and Remus held his hand tighter, Sirius gave him a soft strong smile. 

Remus hadn't realized what he was allowing himself to feel, Sirius used to be extremely tactile with everyone. James, Peter, Alice, Bella... He didn't know personal boundaries. So when he felt a strange void in his gut he always repeated to himself - he didn't hold your hand, he just is extremely tactile cause no one in his family never showed any affections to him as a child. He doesn't love you. You're not special. - 

"You're not listening right?" The boy with gray eyes and long black curls asked and he couldn't help but smile.

"No, of course I am. You're almost at his and Dumbledore's first encounter" 

"There's something fishy about it" 

"About Dumbledore?" 

"I don't know...No, about both of them. Why it took them so long to kill each other?" 

"Actually they didn't kill each other, in fact both are still alive. They used to be friends, you knew?" 

"No, I didn't" 

Remus smiled and still struggling to move, sat on his hospital bed, Sirius could notice new scars on his shoulder running through his neck. He felt his heart ache. But he didn't ask. 

"Maybe it'll be better if someone that already read the previous chapters, reads this" 

Sirius gave him a thousand watts smile and jumped to the bed, pushing Remus to the edge. Remus felt a sudden aggressive turn on his stomach. He didn't know why. Maybe it was feeling someone so close to him, maybe it was the fact that it was Sirius the one next to him. 

"Mr. Black, visitors must remain on the chair" Madame Pomfrey said in her usual scolding voice.

Sirius gave her a frown and didn't move at all. 

"Oh, it's fine. We fit just fine" Remus said stuttering. He was far too nervous to speak correctly. Sirius smirked, without realizing Remus nervousness wasn't because of Madame Pomfrey. 

"Mr. Lupin, those are the rules." 

"Which can be a tiny bit flexible if I say it myself" Dumbledore's voice was heard and Remus froze. 

"Rough night?" 

"Fell from the astronomy tower" 

"Oh" Dumbledore said understanding Remus hadn't told his friends about his nature. He just nodded and smiled at Sirius extreme claim over Remus. He knew they didn't understand at all what was happening between them, but he did. He had been through that before. He in fact was still through it. 

"Maybe you should start attending your classes always escorted by friends" 

"Maybe you should Rem"

"I'm fine. Tomorrow it'll be better" he said sharply, too eager to change the subject. Dumbledore understood. 

"Oh, you've reached that chapter" Dumbledore said with his eyes fixed on the book. 

"Is it true you and Grindelwald were friends?" Sirius asked a bit demanding. Dumbledore gave him an entertained grin. 

"Well, I guess if I tell you myself would count as cheating, don't you think Mr. Black? Isn't it your job to read the book?" 

Sirius just nodded and with an exhausted look kept on turning pages, he found one picture of a tall man dressing a navy blue suit, thick auburn beard, blue sky eyes and dense auburn hair. 

" Blimey, is this Grindelwald? " He asked unable to move his eyes from the picture who was timidly smiling back.

Remus was about to stop him when Dumbledore with a huge grin spoke,

" Why?" 

"He's incredibly handsome" 

Remus felt his face completely red and had to dig his face in his pillow. 

"Thank you Mr. Black. That'd be me, some many years ago" 

"BLIMEY!" 

Sirius was half ashamed and blushed, but also half shocked and a bit aroused by the look of the man in the picture, who would've thought Dumbledore had been so beautiful in the past?

Dumbledore just nodded extremely entertained and headed to the door. 

"Get some sleep Mr. Lupin" 

But Remus couldn't sleep at all. First of all, because Sirius was sleeping next to him, on his bed, two inches away from his body, he felt his heart racing and couldn't make it to stop. He even wondered if he was about to get a heart attack. Second of all, Sirius had said that a man looked handsome. 

Handsome. Well, incredibly handsome.

He knew maybe he was making a huge deal out of nowhere, but maybe, just maybe Sirius was into blokes, and he didn't know why but it made his stomach turn even more wildly, and he didn't really want to know the reason, cause even if he was right, he had a dark cold thought anchored on his heart:

You are not a bloke. You are a dark creature. 


	2. I know your secret Remus Lupin

**Third year**

Remus was at platform 9 and 3/4 next to his mom, he was listening to the final advise they had to give, he was now thirteen years old and could swear everyone looked different. It was as if puberty had hit them hard on summer and he had being left out.

He saw James with his wealthy and far too amicable parents, he waved at him and he hugged him tightly, the train was going to leave in 10 minutes.

His parents greeted him with a warm wide smile and they hugged his mother not caring at all she was a muggle, and then they shook his dad's hand with a great smile, not caring at all he wasn't a pure blood. Remus had always admired James's parents. Pure blood, wealth and with such a kind heart, it was indeed something hard to find.

"Sirius's here" James - who was 2 inches taller and a bit more manly - said with a consterned look, he looked for his friend in the crowd. Wasn't hard to spot him at all, he was next to Walburga Black, a tall thin woman with deep blue eyes, high cheeks, full red lips and deep black hair. She was absolutely stunning, and was wearing a black tight expensive dress with a heavy emeralds necklace. She wore proudly an Slytherin pin at her chest, Remus felt his heart skip a beat.

They looked like royalty. He didn't realize but took a step back terrified, feeling way too little, way too stupid to even fantasize about Sirius. He looked next to that woman and saw a man who looked a lot like Sirius. Gray eyes, black hair, pale skin, wearing a gray coat over an expensive black tuxedo, his wristwatch could be maybe as expensive as his parents cabin. His brother Regulus was proudly wearing the green, and he could also spot his cousins, all wearing green.

Sirius was a red spot between the black and green.

Walburga walked with him, [her face showed how sorry she was for this decision] walking to the Gryffindor area of the platform had been the greatest disgrace to her family. It was ridiculous. Just as her elder son.

Sirius had his eyes lost in the crowd, trying to make this moment flow as fast as he could.

Walburga reached where the Potters were and she just nodded at them, not because she liked them, but because she respected pure bloods and had manners. High class manners. James father smiled at her and Remus could see how James mother reached for Sirius as fast as she could and embraced him in a hug, he could swear he saw her mumbling a soft "You ok?" to his ear.

Walburga stood stoic and turned to her son.

"Sirius, remember what we discussed. Also, I'm expecting better grades and for you to be remarkable at something. At your age is becoming unacceptable to be average"

Sirius looked hurt but only nodded. Remus felt the urgent need to tell her he was not average at all, but was too afraid to even move.

She turned to leave, but froze right in the middle with her blue terrifying eyes looking at him. Remus felt his heart sinking.

"So now you're friends with a half-blood, you really make your best effort to sink this family huh? To hurt me"

Sirius felt his stomach turn at Remus hurt and embarrassed face, he swallowed hard.

"You have no idea" he said and she gave him a disapproval glare and smiled coldly, she didn't kiss him goodbye, she didn't even wave goodbye at him. She just dropped him there and walked to Regulus, walked to the Slytherin area full of pure bloods supremacists and soon to be death eaters.

Sirius felt a noticeable shiver. He quickly reached for Remus parents to apologize.

"I'm so sorry, my mother, she's so... Mean" he let the last word in a whisper.

"We know the Black's and their ideas, they're quite famous. It's fine boy" his father said and Remus bit his lip, he was trying to make some light joke to make him feel a bit better, but his mom was faster than his mind.

"Oh! So you are Sirius Black?"

Oh shit.

Sirius looked at her in confusion and then looked at Remus even more confused, Remus was completely red in embarrassment. And tried to stop his mom right there.

"Okay, that's enough, we're good to go" he said and tried to take his cat from his father, but his mom smiled fondly and kept going.

"Sirius, right?"

Sirius looked extremely confused but was too polite to question anything at all.

"Yes, I am"

"We've heard so much about you" She said with a tender smile and the boy looked surprised.

"Really?" he said with a smirk and Remus felt his heart already at his throat.

"No mom, about all of them, not just him" he said at the edge of dying from a heart attack. She smiled even more.

"Oh of course. But you're really something, you are exceptionally handsome Sirius"

Sirius blushed lightly but smiled.

"And I'm also a good person, hope Remus didn't just mention my looks" he joked, but was enough to make Remus want to die.

"Oh God, I didn't mention your looks!"

"Oh no, he just talked about your gray eyes and certain gift at transfiguration, I'm a muggle myself, don't know a lot about it, but Remus has always been bright and a bit egotistical, so I bet you're pretty good for him to admit it"

He smiled warmly and let out a chuckle when he noticed Remus was almost purple from the embarrassment .

"Thanks ma,'am, he's pretty good at spells too. And has beautiful green eyes" he said mockingly and Remus lost it.

"Enough!" Remus said and tried to escape, James was laughing so hard at the corner of the scene.

"Oh yeah, he does! Maybe someday you could join us for dinner"

"MOM!" Remus let out in a whine, his pale skin red and his breath unsteady.

"Oh I'd love to. I've never been around muggles before, I think you're fascinating" he said honestly and she smiled wide and looked at Remus in the eye, not caring at all about the embarrassment she was putting him into.

"I like him. And he's really handsome too"

"Oh my God"

Remus took the cat and ran to the train, not daring at all to look back.

Sirius thought that had been an awkward first encounter with Remus folks, but nothing more. He thought his dad was a shy quiet man and his mom was sweet and soft, but also extremely brave for standing out in a crowd of wizards and witches which <in a vast umber> wanted to eliminate muggles. James on the other hand started to suspect that maybe, just maybe, Remus wasn't as shy or sweet with Sirius cause he felt intimidated or admired him, maybe there was something stronger behind it.

But Remus... He felt Sirius already knew his deepest darkest secret just by that, he felt betrayed by his mom, he CLEARLY had said he only fancied him a little. And that it was purely platonic. Ergo, IMPOSSIBLE.

_"Mom stop it, I only fancy him a little and even if I did fancy him a lot-WHICH I DONT-, he's from a whole different world. We don't match, even if I wanted us to" _

_She was nursing him after a tough full moon, caught him mumbling Sirius name between dreams and the normal hallucinations that came right after, she had asked first fearing it was some boy from that creepy school bullying her son, but then she saw how he talked about him, first shy and low, but at the end full of excitement, warmth and admiration, she had smiled fondly and asked if she fancied him, she was expecting a complete denial or at least a stupid excuse normal in teenagers, but his response was cold, was certain and a bit painful to hear, he had said it didn't matter, because Sirius was superior. So she looked him in the eye and with strong voice had said:_

_"Remus. You're no less than any other. You're no different, you're worthy of falling in love with whoever you want to, and be given a chance_"

_"No mom, I'm not. Not in love, I just fancy him a little. But you, you don't get it. You could never get it cause you're a muggle, he's a pure blood. He's from a wealthy supremacist family, he knows about languages, politics, economy, culture, music... He's far too high... for someone like me"_

_She looked rather offended but swallowed hard_

_"I might be a muggle and don't quite understand about magic families and blood status. But in my world for many years black people were considered less, gay people are still struggling to have some rights, the different will always be loud enough for those who want absolute silence. Being different is an amazing opportunity to become strong, brave and powerful. Someday you'll understand you're only smaller because you make yourself small"_

_And he had felt his heart break a little and had hugged her "I didn't mean to offend you mum, I don't care if you're a muggle, I love you, I just, he's... He's... I just don't want to lift my expectations" _

_"If he has a problem with who you are, then he's not worth it, trust me. You'll see it in time_"

He held to that memory all the ride to Hogwarts giving intermittent glances at Sirius who spoke enthusiastically to James.

\-------

Remus was at the common room, he had a book on his lap and a hot cup of tea next to him. He was lost in the book and hadn't realized Sirius was right in front of him staring creepily at him. It took him minutes to realize, and when he did he almost died from a heart attack.

"Jesus Chris Sirius, don't stare to people like that" he said after he jumped from his seat, his hand on his chest, Sirius let out a loud laugh and sat next to him.

"Sorry, you were too fixed on it, I didn't want to interrupt"

"It's fine. You need something?"

"Actually I do. You... your mom is a muggle right?"

Remus felt a turn in his stomach and just nodded.

"I'd like to know if maybe I could borrow some muggle books"

Remus looked at him rather impressed. Sirius kept going.

"Once when I was a kid, I stole one from a London library , it was written by Oscar Wilde, and I just fell in love with him, I still keep it, of course it's a bit old but I was wondering if maybe, you could introduce me to muggle literature "

Remus felt his heart warm and smiled fondly.

"Of course, I just brought 3 books but when I get back for Christmas I can get you more. Oscar Wilde is rather good, you started with the good ones, you were lucky"

Sirius laughed and nodded. Remus swallowed hard but opened a little

"My mum, she's a literature professor"

"Merlin, really!?"

"Yes. She'll know what to send you"

"Oh, that's brilliant! It can be English, French, Latin and Dutch"

Remus felt a bit intimidated and swallowed loudly, biting his lip.

"You speak 4 languages?"

Sirius face gave away terror and a slight sign of embarrassment, he just nodded.

Of course it wasn't common for a fourteen year old boy to speak so many languages and master an instrument, and be bright at economy. That was just the living proof of how little time he had as a kid to play or be cuddled. It was a strict regime of studying, well behaving, attend to social meetings and get some sleep. No wonder why Sirius was now a messy rebel.

"I mean, is amazing. I love Latin. It's really hard, but I've always liked to learn" Remus said shyly and Sirius smiled

"I can teach you"

Remus looked so touched and amazed by it, that Sirius felt for the first time in his life, proud of all those classes Walburga forced him to take.

"I also play the piano"

"Oh , that's so awesome" *_and intimidating_* Remus thought.

Sirius smiled confident and looked at him expectant.

Remus felt completely useless and inferior. What did he know that could impress Sirius? Impress? What did he know that could make him look less boring?

"I know how to play chess" he offered shyly.

"Chess? I love it"

"We could play "

Sirius smiled and nodded. Remus unconsciously took a look at the big abandoned piano in the common room. Sirius caught it.

"You want me to play something?"

Remus blushed so hard he was the color of his scarf. Sirius smiled.

"Don't be shy, come" he said and took him by the hand, he sat at the piano and Remus sat next to him

Sirius held his hand. And his heart raced.

That's when it hit him.

His mother was right.

He was falling hard and deep for one of his best friends.

For the elder son and heir of the most ancient and pure blooded house in the magic world.

He was stupid as that.

\------

"I know your secret Remus Lupin" James said in an overly dramatic voice and locked the door behind him, leaving Remus and himself trapped in the Potions classroom.

"You... You do?" he didn't know how to react at all. He knew the day would come, he was just not ready to embrace the rejection and be heartbroken and missing them the next four years. He shivered while cold sweat started running through his neck, he felt his hands trembling and was unable to exhale.

"I don't know why it took me so long, is now so fucking obvious"

James was amused. Not mad, not disappointed, just terribly amused.

"You're scaring me James"

"Why you didn't come to me? We were supposed to be friends"

The past term on the "we were friends" left Remus gasping for air, he was naive enough to think that maybe, just maybe, James and Sirius wouldn't care about his... Nature. By the way, where was Sirius? Oh, maybe he didn't even want to see him one last time, he felt heartbroken already.

"I don't know..."

"Stop it. Don't play it fool. I know" James security was admirable, his broad shoulders and steady gaze. Remus felt more than intimidated by him.  
  
He tried to say something but his voice was betraying him, stuttering and shaking, his eyes watery and his heart pounding so hard it made him feel nauseous.

"Say it" Remus took a bit of courage and demanded James to be clear, his broken glare and sudden adrenaline, he knew he wasn't a bad person, he was just not at James's or Sirius height, so if James wanted to confront him about this, then he had to be fucking brave too.

"You're in love with Sirius"

And suddenly being known a werewolf wasn't as bad as this.

He tried hard to find the right words, to fight against this unexpected but abrasive heat within him, but he was speechless, cold sweat running through his spine, a tight knot against his throat, breathing was unbearable. James could hear even at the distance he kept with his friend, his arrhythmia.  
  
"I... Would never" He stuttered and fell out of breath.

"Stop it Remus. We're supposed to be friends. Friends don't lie. I understand if you're not ready to tell me all about it, but don't lie to me."

Again Remus tried to say something brilliant or at least not so pathetic, but he just couldn't. James knew. He had discovered his deepest most guarded secret, he had no idea how, he tried hard to find some disapproval, hurt, anger, but he just saw the same hazel expectant eyes. The same warmth he always had when he looked at him.

"How?"

"I'm a keen observer" He said with a proud smirk.

Remus felt the urge to kill himself. Was he being that obvious? He tried hard to inhale and exhale, until one terrible thought stroke his mind.

"Does he know?" He managed to ask in a whisper.

"No, of course not. You git. You better tell him soon before he makes a move with someone else"

His stomach turned wildly at his words.

"He must never know" Suddenly his voice was fierce, shaken and lethal.

"What do you mean? He loves you"

"Not the same kind of love James"

"But I know he could fall for you just as hard, damn Rem he's halfway there, he-s just oblivious, you'd be the best couple..."

"Shut it. Don't want to hear it" Remus was broken, insecure and exposed, he tried to organize his books into a pile and run away from this awkward situation.

"Remus, he'll love you just as much, maybe even more"

"Stop it James"

"Why? Does it make you feel embarrassed to want some love? We all want some love Remus"

"It ain't that"

"Then, help me get you Lupin"

Remus could notice in those eyes the truth of desperation and confusion. He exhaled a bit too loudly and with his eyes still dug on his books, he spoke almost in a whisper.

"You don't understand. Cause you're James Potter, you're brave, talented, pure blood, heir of a fortune, handsome, popular... No one would ever say no to you"

James was a bit slow to get the idea, when he finally did his eyes lit up in amusement.

"Remus, you're telling me Sirius would reject you cause you're a half-blood? Cause your folks don't have any money?"

He remained silent.

"Then you know nothing about Sirius"

Those words were all it took for Remus to explode. If James already knew what he feared the most, then he had to paint the landscape clear enough for him to understand.

"And because I'm a fucking werewolf. He's a Black James. He's the elder Black. He's a pure blood, he's brilliant, reckless, far too rich for his own good, ridiculously good looking and has such a warmth in his heart..." he didn't know when tears started falling through his cheeks "Is like asking an auror to marry a house elf. Is like, asking Dumbledore to mate with a dark wizard, is asking a pure blood to mate with a werewolf. Impossible"

James listened carefully, he would've never expect Remus to be so insecure, and of course he and Sirius were suspicious about the werewolf matter, it was good to finally get a confirmation. He understood that obviously Remus would never make the first move to catch Sirius. He knew Sirius loved Remus in a different special way, but he was too oblivious to notice. He decided his job from now on was to make Sirius realize his feelings for Remus, he was damn sure Sirius would make a move without hesitation. He exhaled and took his friend in a strong big hug. At first Remus was tense, as the seconds ran, he hugged James back.

"You're not a house elf. And you'd be surprised by Dumbledore's background"

Remus didn't say anything, he cried low and calm in his best friends shoulder and after a while he gave him a soft smile.

"I swear I won't say anything to Sirius. But you should"

Remus shook his head.

"He's my friend. Don't want to lose him"

"You won't"

"Too risky"

"We only live once."

Remus smiled but still shook his head, James let out a frustrated breath.

He needed to get to Sirius.


	3. Vulnerable

**Fourth year**

Sirius was trying his best not to fall asleep again in Potions, his head was heavy on his shoulders, his eyelids closing against his will. James was sitting next to him completely asleep. He knew it wasn't a good idea to partner in every class with James. Both were a disaster together.

It wasn't until Slughorn coughed loudly behind them that both woke up with a startled look on their face.

"Professor" James said stupidly, Sirius tried hard to hide his yawn.

"As interested as you look in the class you may find hard to believe that everyone brew today's potion. Except you two"

Sirius cursed under his breath and fixed his eyes on the book, he had been checking the list of steps in the book, he saw he had only checked the first two steps. Two out of ten. Brilliant.

"Oh I'm sorry, Quiditch has me exhausted" James lied and Sirius couldn't do anything but force a smile.

"I just suck at Potions" he said honestly and heard a chuckle next to him. Fucking James. Slughorn let out an exhausted sigh.

"Very well. Evans, come help Mr. Black. Mr. Lupin you can take Potter"

He said and Lily's face was instant anger.

She didn't like the marauders. They were snobby irresponsible immature gits. She only liked and respected Remus, although she couldn't understand at all why was Remus friend of such arrogant idiots. She didn't like but she didn't mind neither about Peter. But she couldn't stand James or Sirius.

She hated to always try so hard to win points for her house so that this two idiots could blew it on a single night. She hated they were well known pricks and she hated the most that everyone loved them, the popular kids of the school. She couldn't stand it.

Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically as soon as Lily sat next to him. He didn't like her at all. That boring know it all who used to be close to Snivellus and was always stuck in the library.

James on the other side noticed for the first time in years how beautiful Lily was. Red hair, green eyes, pale skin. She had slight red freckles on her nose, slim thin body and a shy beautiful smile.

He thought that maybe, he could make this unexpected chance, an opportunity. For the four of them.

"Switch with Lily" James said demanding as soon as Remus sat on his table.

"What for? I'm as good as she is" he said a bit hurt and James rolled his eyes.

"I know, just switch. I want to be with her"

"Lily? But you've never talked"

"Then let's give it a try"

"But she hates your gut James"

James rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Don't tell me you're not even considering to be partner with Sirius at least in one class"

"Shuuush!"

"Come on , do it, before I accidentally say it too loudly"

"Merlin! Fuck you James" he said mad but stood up and walked shyly to the desk where Sirius and Lily were trying too hard to ignore each other.

"Hey Lily, I just thought that maybe you could help James, he seems far worse than Sirius"

Lily let out a sigh. She didn't like James. But she had to admit she'd rather to share her knowledge with the son of the Potters than be anywhere close from a Black.

So she just nodded and walked to the table were James was.

"Thank goodness" Sirius said as soon as she left.

"She's all right. She's kind"

"Kind of a pain in the ass" Sirius said with mocking eyes and Remus couldn't help but smile. He hated himself for blushing too hard at any expression Sirius made.

"Okay now, let's give it a try to this potion, shall we?"

Sirius just shrugged and fixed his eyes on the black cauldron.

"So, you're on the dandelion seed step, perfect" he said and Sirius took the flower "Just be sure to clean it well because if yo-WHAT THE FUCK SIRIUS!? "

Sirius wasn't listening, he threw the flower to the cauldron and in less tan a couple of seconds the cauldron explode and a thick black burning substance was sticking on both of them.

"Merlin! Go get a shower immediately" Slughorn said and Remus walked out of the classroom closely followed by Sirius.

"Damn Rem, I'm sorry, didn't know it would happen"

"But you didn't fucking listen"

Sirius swallowed hard, both of them kept walking silently to the third floor bathrooms. Remus started undressing trying his best not to look at Sirius. Sirius took the shower next to him and started undressing too. Remus felt slight burns through his body, he knew, EVERYONE knew dandelions had to be cleaned. They just needed the fucking seed after all.

"Remus" Sirius said right behind him and Remus felt a fucking heart attack.

"What on earth are you doing in my shower!?"

"Why you've got so many scars?" He asked with broken eyes and Remus took a step back instinctively.

"Sirius, go back to your shower now." he said trying his best to keep his voice steady.

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable" he said extremely ashamed and took two steps back, Merlin! No bloke liked to be so close to another naked bloke. No straight bloke. And sadly, Remus seemed to be straight.

But he wasn't.

He looked at Sirius making a great effort to focus on his face.

He was completely naked, wet black curls, pale skin, a beautifully trimmed cock, too thick for someone his age Remus thought. Shit Remus, turn around before he notices!

He turned violently to the wall.

The mere thought about Sirius cock sent a shiver through his spine, he tried his best to hide his own cock with his leg.

"It's, it's fine. Just... Try to listen" Remus said with his unsteady voice and Sirius just nodded.

"I'm sorry. I know you're great at school, wouldn't want to lower your grades" he said a bit ashamed and Remus felt his heart warm. He loved this idiot.

"You're good too Sirius. You're brilliant" he said in a soft whisper and Sirius let out an empathetic grin.

"I don't really care about it, you don't need to lie"

"But I'm not lying. You're good. I've seen you in Defense against the dark arts, you're good. And you're even better in transfiguration, even McGonagall recognizes it."

"Still I barely pass each semester"

"Well , that's because you're a mess. Doesn't mean you lack talent or intelligence"

Sirius blushed lightly and Remus thought that maybe no one in the fucking world had ever said that to him before.

"Mrs. Black thinks otherwise"

"Sirius, don't listen to your mother. She's not worth it. You can become Head Auror if you just give it a try."

"But I am trying"

"No, you're not."

Sirius smiled brightly at Remus who instantly felt weak at the knees. This was his fucking chance.

"We could make a deal. I help you out with Potions, and you help me out with transfiguration. I've been struggling a bit lately"

"Really!?" Sirius sounded almost excited, Remus just nodded with a shy honest smile.

"I'd love to" Sirius smiled and hugged him. The mere contact of skin against skin made his heart race uncontrollably. So loudly that Sirius looked at him a bit concerned. 

"I... I've got a condition. A heart condition. Since birth. It happens unexpectedly" he lied and Sirius gray eyes looked a bit broken.

"I didn't know that, are you okay?"

"Fine. It's fine. Go to your shower" he said and turned his back at Sirius doing his best to hide his swallowed cock. Thank God, Sirius understood he needed privacy and walked away.

.....

Halloween was coming, it was a huge deal for the marauders - James and Sirius- they were extremely excited about it and about the fact that they were able to sneak butterbeer to the castle. Sirius was talking excited with James, Remus wasn't really listening, but he liked being close to them and to the fire. Peter was next to James making a list of everything they'd need for this year's prank.

Suddenly a voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"So you are Sirius, right?" A light brunette tall boy wearing a yellow scarf asked with a shy smile and vivid blue eyes.

"Yes" Sirius said a bit unsure but his eyes were sparkling in adrenaline. 

"Heard you're the best at transfiguration in fourth grade."

"I am"

The stranger blushed and smiled at Sirius. Remus could swear he was flirting with Sirius. With HIS Sirius.

"Heard you were trying to look for a book" he said and showed him a small old black book, Sirius stood from his side immediately.

"Fuck! How did you...?"

"Fancy a walk?" he said and raised an eyebrow. Sirius felt his hormones running wild, this bloke was handsome and bright too. It made him feel high.

"Fancy a beer?" he said and took a beer from James's bag, he didn't hear his complaints or even noticed Remus murderous stare. He transfigured the bottle into a small dice. The boy next to him smiled satisfied.

"Impressive"

"I know" Sirius said and dragged him out of the common room. He didn't care about James whines or Peter reminding him they had plans. He didn't even look back to take one more stab from Remus's eyes.

That night he came back at 2 am. Remus tried hard to cry himself to sleep, but couldn't shed a tear. He was angry. Raging mad. Who the fuck was this bloke? How the hell did he enter their common room? Did Sirius give him his password? It was fucking forbidden! And why was Sirius looking for a book? Why he didn't ask him? He fucking lived in the library.

He heard the door open and tiptoes walking softly. He sat on his bed and walked to Sirius bed, facing him, messy hair, vivid eyes and a deep stink of booze.

"Are you drunk?"

"M fine" he said lazily and tried his best to uncover his bed, he couldn't stand straight.

"Sirius you're fucking drunk! How did that bloke got into here?" he asked not even caring how lunatic he might have sounded.

"Gave him the password" he said naturally and finally tucked himself in the bed.

"That's fucking forbidden. You'll lose so many points if someone knows"

"Then don't tell" he said lazily trying his hard not to fall asleep in the middle of the conversation.

"Who is he?"

"who?"

"the bloke who came. He's a hufflepuff. Who is he!?" he asked a bit too demanding and Sirius frowned. The booze starting to drop.

"Why do you care?"

"The name Sirius, why were you with him?"

"He's a friend."

"He didn't seem like a friend. Not at all" he let it slip naturally and Sirius understood exactly the opposite that he was supposed to.

"I beg your pardon?"

Those high class manners. Remus rolled his eyes, way too angry, too jealous, too out of his senses.

"Fuck you Sirius" he simply said and Sirius let out a mad chuckle.

"Oh, so it hurts your moral standards? Me messing around with a bloke? It offends you?"

"You were messing around... You're dating him!?" Remus asked with broken eyes and a loud arrhythmia.

"What if I were? Is it because it's a bloke?"

"Fuck... But... no... shit "

"Then what is it? Cause it looks like it"

Remus felt heartbroken, he knew he needed to stop the fight right here otherwise he could feel himself inches from crying pathetically and confessing it all to Sirius.

" I don't fucking care. Just don't mess with our house points" he said with shaking voice and turned around already crying. He heard in the back Sirius mumble an angry and frustrated "fuck off Evans"

But he didn't turn around.

....

Next morning they didn't speak. Sirius didn't remember quite well what had happened, he just remember he was drunk and that Remus was pissed cause he gave Gryffindors password to another house. Which was - let's face it- irresponsible and stupid.

He didn't know what had happened, but he knew maybe he had been an asshole. Cause there's no way Remus would be mean, and Remus looked at him with broken eyes, so he must've fucked it up somehow.

After three days he decided to lock Remus on the transfiguration classroom.

"We need to talk"

"No, we don't"

"Remus, I can't remember what happened but I must've fucked it up somehow, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have given Theo the password. He was helping me with a task, he wanted to know if he could trust me"

Remus stood quietly, his hands shaking. He just nodded.

Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it again. A cold heavy silence between them. He then let out a long sigh.

"I'm gay" he said in a low whisper and Remus felt his heart beating so fast he thought it was going to beat his way out of his body.

"I... Well. It's kind of obvious. But maybe not to you, yo..."

"I've noticed" he said sharply and Sirius swallowed loudly.

"I... I hope you don't mind, at least not enough to push me away"

Remus let out a mad chuckle. His broken heart and trembling hands.

"Of course I don't care Sirius, you're..." beautiful he thought but stopped himself from talking. Sirius was dating the Hufflepuff bloke. He had been too fucking slow. "my best friend" he said pathetically with a broken heart and Sirius gave him a weak smile.

"Thanks Rem " he said and unlocked the door, he was almost out of the classroom when he turned. "And I'm not officially dating, so don't tell James. We're just messing around" he said with an intense stare and a far too sexy grin and left.

Remus was left speechless.

\-----

"Remus, I was wondering if maybe this year you come with us to camp at the forbidden forest"

"In Halloween? Not a chance Sirius"

"Oh come on, last year James and I did it, it was great! We had some beer and practiced some spells, I know it sounds scary but I promise nothing will happen, nothing bad at least"

"I don't get why would you rather be cold in the woods than warm in your bed"

"It's the adventure Remus! Come on, you need to come. If you're too afraid of the forest we could switch to Hogsmade"

And it did sound more reasonable.

"Sounds better"

"So, that's a yes?"

Remus gave him a shy smile and nodded.

"Yeahy!" Sirius let out a tiny happiness yell and Remus smiled feeling warm and fuzzy on his chest.

"Okay, it's four days from now and we must prepare ev...."

Remus stopped listening right there. Four days. The same that was missing for the full moon. He swallowed hard and started panicking.

"I can't"

"But you just said yes!" Sirius was stubborn and was used to get what he wanted, so tantrums were completely normal for him, even at 15.

"I forgot I have something already for that day"

"You've got plans?" Sirius asked a bit astonished.

"I do"

"With who?" Sirius was demanding, his arms folded on his chest, his gray eyes completely focused at him. He lost his nerves.

"I can't it's, a date" he lied and caught in a glimpse Sirius hurt eyes.

"What? Why?"

Remus didn't know what to say, he stood quiet.

Sirius felt completely broken, his heart pounding loud on his chest. He forced a smile.

"I mean, it's fine. I just, thought..."

Sirius was for the first time in four years, looking insecure and speechless, shy voice and nervous stares. Remus felt the possibility that maybe just maybe, James was right, and maybe just maybe... Sirius liked him back.

"Who is it?" he suddenly asked on a low possessive tone.

And Remus didn't think of that.

"I, no one. Not important"

"You don't want to tell me" Sirius said a bit angry and Remus felt his heart racing.

"I..."

"I thought we were close" Sirius said almost in a whisper and Remus felt nervous.

"We are"

"No, I thought it was different" Sirius said in a low voice and tried to walk out of the room, dramatic as always. Remus felt his heart racing, maybe this stupid lie would make him lose the glimpse of opportunity he naively thought he had.

"it's a lie. I'm not dating anyone" he said desperate and shivering, his eyes lost in the floor. Sirius turned to see him a bit shaken up by all the emotions.

He stood quietly looking at him.

"I understand if you don't want to talk with me any longer... I'm, I'm a werewolf, and it's full moon"

He lifted his eyes just to find Sirius broken gray eyes.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, I was... Am so afraid. Is not well accepted, and I really hate that about myself, I under...."

"Did it hurt?" Sirius asked interrupting his speech.

"What?"

"Being bitten and then turning every month"

He felt a turn in his stomach, no one but his mom had asked that before.

"It always does. That's where all the scars come from"

Sirius walked next to him, he took his hand and gave him a soft smile.

"So you're not dating? You're just a werewolf?"

Remus laughed.

"I think everyone would rather for me to be dating than being a werewolf. Especially me"

"I wouldn't." he said and smiled fondly, Remus felt his heart loudly. Sirius hugged him.

"So, you're all right with it?" Remus asked a bit afraid and heard the man who was holding him tight chuckling.

"Of course I'm not, I don't like you to be in pain. But it is what it is and I'm grateful you told me. You don't have to go through it on your own anymore"

"Oh no. Is too risky, not even my mum..."

"I actually kinda noticed it since last year. And, remember the night you went mad when the Hufflepuff bloke came to the common room? "

Remus wanted to say he didn't go mad. But there was no use in lying to Sirius. So he just nodded a bit blushed.

"He got me a book. A werewolves book..."

"Why would you?..."

Sirius smiled wide.

"I wanted to learn how dangerous it really is, I don't think is that serious"

"Sirius no. Stop, it is dangerous, it is serious"

"Not as serious as I am"

Remus chuckled nervously

"Idiot"

......

"Butterbeer darling?" Sirius voice behind his ear and his hand holding his waist was a dream come true, until he nodded and saw how Sirius did exactly the same with James. He let out a sigh and took a long big sip to his beer.

"Firewhiskey for me" Sirius said and James handed him one glass. Peter was far too busy trying to gain some short Slytherins girl attention.

"You think he'll finally make it?"

"6 galleons he won't"

"10 he will" James said and took from his pocket his golden coins. Remus swallowed hard, 10 galleons was the amount of money his dad used to make on a good week. And this guys -his friends- were betting on it as if it were candy.

"Your deal Moony?" and Remus loved the nickname Sirius had given him after their first full moon "together". He had also loved that nothing had changed since he had openly talked about his nature.

"Like one knut he won't" He said a bit ashamed, he looked for money on his pocket and just found one sickle and 8 knuts. That's all he had left for the month.  
  
Sirius gave him a warm smile.

"I pay Remus's bet"

"No, it's fine. I don't even like bets"

"Come on Moony, it makes it fun"

Remus felt a bit ashamed of his poverty and dug his eyes on his beer. Far too miserable.

"I pay Moonys', 10 galleons."

Remus wanted to insist but as he was about to speak they all saw how Peter tried to kiss the girl, and instead received a loud slap on his cheek.

"Blimey!" The three of them said a bit shocked.

"We won" Sirius said with such a satisfying smile and took the 10 golden coins James had left on the table.

"Fuck Peter! You just owe me 10 galleons"

"Are you fucking kidding me? I just got hit on the face!"

"He's got a point you know" Sirius said while handing the money to Remus.

"It's yours. I didn't place my bet"

"No, but I placed yours. And you won"

"Sirius give it back to James"

"A bet is a bet" James said and stood from his chair, starting to feel a bit dizzy.

"One more round?"

"I don't think..." Remus started speaking but Sirius interrupted him.

"I'd love to. Make it a double" Sirius said starting to sound goofy and Remus tried to push the money to his side of the table, Sirius didn't let him.

"Moony. You won, accept the prize."

"But I didn't have money to bet"

"You've got me" he said in such a soft flirty voice that made him tremble, he then winked at him.

Remus felt his heart jumping way too much at his words.

"Sirius"

"Send it to your mom, she'll know what to do with it"

And without warning Remus's pride was hurt badly.

"I don't need your pity" he said a bit too mad and stood up. Sirius stood blankly and followed him cursing under his breath. Maybe he shouldn't have had that last firewhiskey after all.

"Moony blimey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I just wanted..."

"To help? Well no help asked for"

Sirius felt a sting on his chest.

"It's just a fucking game. You know damn well 10 galleons mean nothing to me or James"

Maybe, just maybe that wasn't the right thing to say.

Remus felt extremely insecure about it. He was being stupid making a huge deal about what Sirius considered nothing at all. That just showed how poor he really was, he felt the urgent need to cry.

His mommas words on his mind - You're not less worthy- His teeth deep into his lip.

"I'm, I'm... Sorry" Remus said on a whisper, Sirius eyes were lit up in anger and frustration.

"You really need to stop this shit Moony, we're friends. And friends help and support each other, it doesn't mean you're any less or whatever demon haunts your little head"

"I'm sorry, is just hard, you're... Like a complete universe away from mine"

Sirius was angry, his gray eyes seemed darker.

"Stop it Moony. You're amazing, brilliant, talented and so worthy, you know what really sucks about you? And is not the fact you're a werewolf, or poor or ill looking, what sucks about you is you don't love yourself enough. "

Remus felt how his eyes were staring to fill in tears, his heart racing, his heart starting to crumble. **Ill looking.**

"If such superficial stuff matters to you more than friendship, or loyalty or love, then I was fucking mistaken about you"

Sirius was mean, harsh words and cold eyes, Remus stood frozen at the middle of the bar, crying silently.

"Sirius stop" James grabbed his best friend by the arm a bit angry with Sirius who was deliberately hurting Remus.

Remus just shook his head mumbling a weird "it's fine" while crying against his will, and when he thought he couldn't resist any longer without letting out a loud sob, he ran away from the bar.

James first impulse was to run behind him but Sirius took him by the arm.

"Leave him"

"You were cruel Sirius. He didn't deserve that"

"Doesn't it bother you? He's always so shy and insecure, so quiet and it's like he makes himself less than us"

"It bothers me. But you need to be empathetic, he comes from a world very different from ours, he's vulnerable and he's afraid that maybe someday we'll decide he doesn't belong in here"

"But that's stupid"

"Yeah, we know that, but he doesn't. Weren't you shy and afraid and insecure before Hogwarts? Didn't you always feel left out from your pure blood Slytherin family? Toujours pur "

"It's different. I was left out, Remus is not"

"Of course he is! Don't you read nothing about werewolves? They are considered creatures, not humans, they aren't allowed to work, they've suffered so much... And poverty, damn you know well what happened to the people that worked for your parents"

"It's different"

"No! It's not Sirius. You're trying to make everyone accept that we're equals but we're not. We're different"

"What the fuck James!? How can you say that!?"

"Different isn't bad. But as long as you don't understand his background, you'll keep hurting him and pushing him, and he's extremely vulnerable, even more to you"

James shut his lips as soon as he let that last thing slipped, he cursed under his breath, Sirius was brilliant and got it fast.

"Why? Why especially me?"

"Cause you're his friend"

"Don't lie to me James."

James stood trembling infested with the adrenaline of the fight.

"I can't, I promised I wouldn't"

"What is it about me that makes him more vulnerable?"

James let out a long sigh.

"What could be worse than be friends of someone you consider superior?"

Sirius took a while to answer, the booze finally dropping when he reached a sharp conclusion.

"Being in love"

James just nodded.

Sirius felt his heart racing.

It wasn't disgust, it wasn't fear, it wasn't anger.

It was the most intoxicating warmth.


	4. Padfoot

"Moony, you awake?" he whispered almost on his ear, Remus didn't move. 

"Moony. I know you're awake" 

He didn't notice but he even held his breath. He stood lying quietly on the bed. 

Until he felt a heavy warm body next to him.

"What the fuck!?" 

Sirius covered his mouth with his hand. His hips rubbing his own, long black curls an inch from his cheeks. 

"I'm sorry. I was an asshole, you're right. We're different, we come from different backgrounds. I'm sorry I pushed you too hard. I like who you are, just... I get a bit frustrated, I'd like you to see yourself as I see you" 

And after such a planned apology he moved his hand and let Remus the chance to speak. 

Remus voice was broken but somehow steady. 

"You were right, I've never loved myself enough. I've always had a hard time accepting who I am" 

"I know" 

"I don't know if I'd be able to... But I'll try" 

"You're beautiful Moony, you know that, right ?" 

And Remus heart felt almost exploding, Sirius could swear he heard a soft sob, Remus had never been so close in his life to kiss him, but then again his brain said - that's just Sirius, he tells everyone they're beautiful. You're nothing special to him just a close friend-

"Stop it" He said pretending to be annoyed and trying to move the body over him.

"I want to know you more, deeply. I want you to trust me and I want to understand you. I want you to look at yourself and see what I see" Sirius said and Remus could swear he could see his eyes sparkling in the dark. His heart loudly, his lungs suddenly felt full of air, so full that he was afraid to suffocate from happiness.

"We can work it out" Remus said already gasping for air and Sirius smiled, for an instant they both stared at each other, Sirius could listen to Remus loud tachycardia and saw even in the dark how he was blushing fiercely. His bright green eyes silently imploring what he was so afraid to accept, even to himself. Sirius smiled confident.

He leant closer to Remus and Remus heart wen even louder, his breaths starting to be way too audible. 

"Shhh, it's fine Moony" he whispered and closed the distance between them, his hand on his cheek and with parted lips he kissed him shyly, it was merely a soft touch but was enough for taking all of Remus's breath away, the corner of his eyes shedding a tear. 

Sirius smiled evern brighter when he noticed all the mess Remus was into, he kissed tenderly his nose. 

"You all right? Your heart,'s a bit loud" he said with a tender smile throwing his arm around Remus's waist. 

"Oh Lord, it's so embarrassing" 

Sirius laughed against his skin and kissed him slowly again, now going a bit forward, his thumb rubbing gently his cheek. He smiled at the end and hugged him, lying next to him. His heart pounding his way out through his veins. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I hope my heart stops soon" Remus said ashamed and Sirius laughed. 

"I hope it doesn't. I think it's adorable"

...... 

First thought that hit him when he woke up was what a fantastic dream he had had. Second thought was, who the fuck was breathing down his neck? 

He tried to move carefully and heard Sirius rough voice mumbling "too early" on his neck. It sent a shiver through his spine, he then realized Sirius was like an octopus and had both arms around his waist and his legs tangled around his body. 

It hadn't been a dream 

"Sirius. What are you doing here?" he asked with shy unsteady voice. 

"Came to apologize, and you let me stay. You want me to leave?" 

Sirius asked with fear on his voice. Maybe Remus had been way too drunk to remember it at all. 

"No. Stay" he whispered still incredibly tense. 

"Allright" he mumbled and soon was fast asleep. Remus didn't know what time it was, but he couldn't close an eye after that. It was too much happiness, too much joy. Too fucking good to be true. 

After an hour he heard James moving on his bed. He was so close to a panic attack, so tense that Sirius could sense it. He smiled against his skin and kissed his neck. 

"It's fine. You don't have to come out just yet" he said and slowly climbed out of his bed and into his own. 

No one noticed. 

And after days started flowing by, he even doubted himself. 

Did Sirius really kiss him? Because he used to act as if nothing had happened at all, he was still incredibly close to James, still teaching him transfiguration tips in exchange of Potions tutoring, and what he hated the most: still talking in the corridors with the Hufflepuff bloke. He used to lose his shit every time Sirius flirted with that bloke who he had hated for not knowing him, but that now hated for knowing. Theodore Fawley, from an ancient pure-blood house of remarkable Hufflepuffs. He really hated Sirius for it, why did he always had this stupid talent for attracting and befriend powerful pure-blood, wealthy people? Why did he even care for a poor werewolf then? He hated it.

Remus thought that maybe he was just fucking insane and that that kiss had been a stupid dream and that all his stupid emotions were pointless anyway. He had to clear his mind before summer, it was their last week of fourth year and the final Quidditch match. James was already with the team and Remus could swear Sirius was sneaking in the dressing rooms just to be close to James, he pressed the books to his chest madly, What about Peter? Oh right, Peter had invited the same girl who once hit him, he chuckled to himself and heard a "shee" on his back, he knew who that was. Severus Snape. Lily and Snape were at the library too. He felt a bit uncomfortable being so close to them but the books he was looking for were in that area so he couldn't really avoid it.

He heard quick steps on the floor, he turned to find Sirius running to where he was. A punch in his gut. 

"The game will start soon, come on Moones" Sirius said demanding, almost scolding him for not being at the match.

Remus bit his lip. Maybe this was the moment to clear his mind, maybe this was a sign. Everyone was at the game, the castle was practically empty. His braveness started to make him feel warm and fuzzy. 

"We need to talk" he said with the best most secure voice he could make. Sirius gave him and intrigued look but followed him anyway. 

What they didn't notice was that someone else was following them; Regulus Black. 

He had been at the library by chance and had been terribly suspicious about that Remus bloke, the scars, the missing classes, the shyness... Something was off about him. He followed them trying to learn if Sirius was perhaps helping him in some way. He wasn't ready to witness what he would see. 

Remus suddenly stopped. Sirius stood in front of him looking anxious. Remus was trembling but didn't say a think, he kept walking in circles. 

"Was it real?" he asked on a low shy voice out of thin air.

"What?" 

"You know... Last month, was it...? Fuck, cause I don't know Sirius, you keep acting as if nothing happened and then you keep getting lost in the Hufflepuff common room, and he keeps appearing and I don't know..." He said broken and Sirius's eyes open wide. 

"Oh" He said with a strange confident smile that made Remus's stomach flip.

"Yes" he said unable to look him in the eye and bit his lip till it bled. 

"It was real. I... I'm sorry, I thought you needed time to figure it out... Just thought you needed time" 

"Do you?" Remus asked with his heart bumping so hard on his chest he could feel his ribs aching.

"Do I need time?" Sirius asked a bit surprised.

Remus just nodded. He wanted to tell him he loved him since fucking second grade, but his knees were too weak, his voice too low. Sirius smiled fondly.

"No, I kinda figured it out since a kid. That I fancy blokes." He said confident.

Fancy blokes. So Sirius thought he needed time to reassure his sexuality, Sirius thought he wasn't sure about it. He chuckled a bit madly. He didn't fucking care about gender, he loved him. His puzzled look made Sirius rush to talk.

" I mean, it's fine. Experimenting it's all right " he said and Remus felt a bit hurt. 

Was Sirius just experimenting ? 

"I..." 

Stupid Remus, tell him what you have to say. SPEAK YOUR MIND. TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM. 

Suddenly Sirius leant closer and kissed him again. A soft chaste kiss on the lips. 

"Maybe it'll help you sort it out through the summer" he said with an adorable grin and turned around. "You'll be late for the game, come on" he urged him and Remus stood speechless. 

He wasn't experimenting. 

He didn't need time. 

He fucking loved him. 

Was Sirius experimenting? Or was he just another - messing around-bloke for him? 

Regulus on the other side of the corridor had a loud arrhythmia and a disgusting dryness in his mouth. 

\-----

"Hey, you finally took those down" Regulus said entering for the first time in years to his bedroom. Sirius looked rather surprised.

"Yeah, not in the mood for Marilyn Monroe this year" he said while folding his posters. They were far too many around all the room

"I know they're all here just to turn her mad" he said and Sirius chuckled.

"What brings you here? You've never talked with me at Hogwarts"

"Well I've got no friends here"

"Thanks" he said with cold voice and Regulus rolled his eyes.

"You're my brother Sirius"

"Am I?"

"Oh, guess not anymore. Now James Potter is your brother, right? "

Sirius let out a chuckle.

"What do you want?"

"I've been looking closely to your friends. I find the shy tall one a bit odd"

"Remus?"

"Yes. All the scars, the missing classes, Dumbledore's closeness... Odd isn't it?"

"Not at all. He's weak. Clumsy, falls a lot. He rescues creatures and gets attacked on a daily basis. And he's bright so I guess Dumbledore likes him for it"

Regulus gave him a smirk.

"You speak highly of him"

Sirius looked a bit nervous but tried to maintain his steady gaze.

"Anything constructive you wanted to tell me?"

"No. Not yet" he said an walked out of his room.

\----

"Mother, I'd like to go to James place and stay there for a week"

"No. Stop bothering the Potters" she said without even looking at him her gaze fixed on the newspaper. His father next to her reading the International Quidditch chronicles.

"I... They don't think I bother them"

"They're polite. They don't tell you but of course you bother them" she said coldly and kept on reading. He sighed and fixed his eyes on his plate. He wasn't hungry at all.

"I really want to go"

She rolled her eyes and dropped the newspaper. Gave him a cold heartless look.

"What for?"

"Just... I just like to be there" he said shyly and Walburga sighed tiredly.

As a matter of fact she didn't like having him home.

"Oh Sirius, what a burden. Fine, go. " she said and looked back at her newspaper. He smiled brightly and started packing.

\-----

"Look! James looook!!!!" he screamed excited and James looked at him.

His friend was standing in the middle of the huge forest behind the huge house his parents used to own. Then suddenly his image started to disparate and a  
Black big dog appeared. It was gigantic.

" Sirius?" he asked a bit afraid and the dog ran to him and jumped to his arms licking his face and giving playful bites to his clothes.

"Motherfucker you did it!!!!"

The dog gave him a soft grin and then came back to his human form.

"It's so amazing!"

"I bet it is! The most successful I've been is to make antlers appear on my head"

Sirius laughed

"First try outs I just got furry"

They laughed.

"Oh Sirius, I'm so proud of you"

"I'm so excited. Full moon will be in a few days, I'll go to Remus"

"He won't allow it"

"He won't know it's me"

"Fuck that's risky mate"

"No, it'll be fine."

"He'll be so mad when he finds out"

"Maybe, but I think is for the greater good. He'll accept it sooner or later"

"I hope he does"

\-----

The first lights of dawn lit the small room, he felt shivers through his body he was fucking freezing. High fever and violent convulsions. Remus tried hard to catch his breath. The few hours after the transformation were tough. Going back to his human form was painful. Suddenly the broken bones and open wounds were noticeable, and the fever always refused to leave him the first couple of hours. He was breathing loudly and trying to cover his naked body with his arms.

So cold

He heard a noise and his still amber eyes opened in alarm. A black huge dog was standing in front of him, he had thick paws and long black messy hair. Gray eyes.

Remus felt terror.

"Please don't kill me" he whispered between shivers and the dog kept walking closer to him. Remus closed his eyes in fear. He hid his face and trembled. Then he felt warm fur behind him, the dog was lying next to him, covering more than half his skinny body. Suddenly the coldness started to be replaced by warmth.

He tried shyly to pet him, the dog let him. He smiled more confident.

"Good boy" he said with tender smile, his eyes beginning to become green once more.

The dog licked his face.

Remus hugged the dog and between diffuse hallucinations and complete exhaustion fell asleep.

After a couple of hours, the dog woke him up. It was almost night and the cold was beginning to be unbearable, he could freeze to death.

He smiled and took the blanket the dog had brought him. He smiled fondly and wrapped the blanket around him, walking next to the dog until he reached his house. A small house on a small town.

"Remus!" his mother was always scared and worried on full moons. Remus didn't allow her to come with him, and that made her lose her mind every month.

"Sorry mum, fell asleep"

"It's fine. Go take a bath, we'll clean the wounds after it" she said and tried to close the door not even noticing the black dog next to her son.

"Oh mum, look. He helped me out" he said and pointed the black dog.

She looked at him suspiciously

"It's too big"

"He's friendly, can we keep him?" "he asked shyly and she let out a sigh

" I don't know Rem, he seems expensive"

The dog let out a low growl.

"I'll give him half of my food" he said sweetly and she smiled.

"No, there's no need. We'll see what we can do, keep him" she said feeling so touched by his son's pure heart.

Sirius also felt a warm fuzzy feeling realizing right at that moment that he was falling deep and hard for Remus.

\----

Remus kept the dog for the summer. Sirius used to haunt in the small forest next to the town and took small baths on the lake. Flies were turning him mad, but he had to admit, he adored Remus inhibitions. Remus was sweet and bright. He had a close relationship with his parents, a good solid bond. Sirius discovered Remus liked cooking, writing and practicing spells, (even if it wasn't allowed, fucker rule breaker he was)

He loved the name he was given: Padfoot. And he truly loved to watch Remus walk naked around his room soon after he showered. Padfoot used to observe every single detail about him. He hated not to have it in color though.

"Come on Pads" Remus said and left the usual space for the dog in his bed, the dog jumped and laid next to him, Remus started scratching his ears.

"Last night at home. Tomorrow I'll go back to school. Be good while I'm gone. My parents like you already, but don't play with your luck"

The dog licked his hand, he giggled and kissed his head.

"Your hair reminds me of someone. Someone I fancy"

The dog looked him in the eye, almost demanding. Remus chuckled.

"oh, so you want gossip don't you?"

The dog gave him what it looked like a nod, Remus smiled.

"It's a secret. You can't tell Pads" Remus said jokingly, of course a dog would never tell, and he needed to get it out of his chest anyway. 

"I have this... Crush? Fuck no, I fell for my best friend. One of them"

The dog kept listening his heart beating way too loud for a dog. Remus didn't notice.

"His name is Sirius, he has black hair like you do. He's... There are no words Pads. He kissed me, twice. And I was so afraid and couldn't even tell him I've been dreaming about it for years"

He was blushed but with a huge grin on his face.

"Why did he kiss me? Was he just messing around? What if I tell him the truth and he tells me he doesn't want me like that? Well, of course he doesn't Pads. He's a pure blood. He's... Out of my league."

The dog laid his big head on his chest, Remus kissed his nose.

" He's great, he'd love you. And I bet you'd love him too. He's magnetic "

After long silence, he sighed.

" Why did he kiss me Pads? I'm so nervous to see him again tomorrow"

Those were the last words that he said before falling asleep. Sirius smiled wider and slept closer to him that night, a part of him was delighted. The other part was fucking terrified, Remus would be so mad when he found out he was Padfoot.

\------

**Fifth Year**

Realizing Remus was in love with him made him extremely conscious of every single thing Remus did, for example how is it even possible he had never noticed the way Remus always looked at him? His eyes were sparkling and extremely soft, he couldn't hide his smile and always at the end of the look was a broken glare. He didn't have that kind of look with anyone at all, just for him.

He also noticed the way Remus was extremely aware of all the people Sirius never noticed, like the girl from Ravenclaw who told him she loved him last winter, or the boy from Slytherin he once messed with (and he was fucking certain he had been discreet about it), and of course the boy from Hufflepuff-Theo- he never admitted publicly but had had sex with. He thought it was hilarious and -terrifying- how jealous could Remus be.

He had been so determined to talk with Remus the first day of school, but didn't really know how. He had never felt something like this for anyone, he had realized why he had this ache in his chest when he saw his full moon scars, he understood why he hated to watch him so close to Lily Evans, he finally understood why he was so protective with Remus. He had been an oblivious idiot all this time, Remus had always been special, and he finally -thankfully- understood those disturbing wet dreams he used to have about him. He fancied Remus, he had always fancied him. Who was he kidding? He loved Remus, his shy smile, his snarky comments, his irony, he loved his bright green eyes and his light brown hair. He wanted Remus for himself, for as long as he lived. First days were realization and shock, soon followed by braveness and determination to tell him the truth, and then Regulus spoke to him. 

_"Sirius don't be stupid, you need to cut this crap before she finds out"_

He knew who was he talking about.

Then he realized his position.

He was falling for a half blood.

For a bloke

For a werewolf

His mother would kill him.

If she ever found out, that'd be Remus end, she'd look a way to destroy him and his vulnerable small warm family.

So Sirius froze our of fear and began being a bit distant, he tried his best to avoid alone encounters with Remus and acted exactly as flirty and sweet as he always did with him when all the four of them where together. Remus looked broken and confused, he even was more insecure about them than before the kisses, on the other hand Sirius was silently torturing himself between what he wanted and what he had to do.

For the sake of Remus.

.....

"So, Lily?" He asked lifting an eyebrow and falling to James's bed with a huge grin.

"Don't even" James was sitting on his bed too with folded legs and a heavy book on his legs.

"Heard she was going with Snivellus. That must be low"

"They're going out as friends. Nothing more"

"You sure?"

"Shut it Sirius" James was not in the mood, he had failed Herbology again, he didn't need a reason to get grounded and be forced to stay during winter vacations.

"Must be hard to live knowing someone picked him before you"

"Expelliarmus!" James was quick with his wand but Sirius was quicker and blocked it with his bare arm.

"How on earth did you do that!?"

"Been working on it. Also, I've been borrowing your invisibility cloak at night to go to the restricted section"

"You git"

"I think it's pretty elegant wandless and nonverbal magic "

"But is also extremely dangerous"

"I know, but it looked classy right? "

James let out an honest laugh and nodded.

"Speaking of which, who are you taking to the ball?"

"No one in mind. You know, is just not snogging or anything sexual, is kinda important. Wouldn't want to share it with anyone unimportant"

James nodded.

"Remus is important"

Sirius swallowed loudly. That came out of nowhere.

"Isn't it weird to ask another bloke to a ball?"

"Am I sensing a bit of homophobia?"

Sirius let out a loud honest laugh.

"Of course not, you know I'm gay"

And James did not know that. His shocked face gave it away almost immediately. 

"You didn't know?! "

"How on earth was I supposed to know!?"

"We practically live together mate! it's so bloody obvious! And you saw me at the three broomsticks with the other bloke last year. The thin blonde one, remember? "

"That guy!? I thought he was your fucking cousin!"

"I really hope he's not"

James let out an honest hysterical laugh, it was soon contagious and both friends were out of breath.

"You idiot." Sirius said between laughs.

"You should really ask Moony"

James knew. He didn't know why, or how, but he knew Sirius had fallen for Remus too. Sirius didn't deny it, nor fought it.

"It's far too complicated Prongs. Even more because I fucked up and kissed him some months ago"

"Oh my God! You kissed Moony !? Why you didn't tell me? You traitor" James offended voice was hilarious.

"Yeah I know, it was a moment of weakness, I couldn't stop myself"

"So you regret it? You don't fancy him?"

"No, of course I fancy him idiot, he's amazing and beautiful, and so brave and bright... but soon after I did it I realized I can't."

"Why? You afraid of falling in love?"

Sirius smiled a bit hopelessly.

"I think I'm already in love mate, keep on please." He chuckled but then his glare broke "My mother... My family, they'll find out sooner or later, my brother knows. But my parents... Fuck, they'll do everything to destroy him. He doesn't deserve it"

"Oh, so you told him that? You'll wait?"

"Told who? Moony? No, we never talked about it"

"So let me get this straight, you kissed him, gave him no explanation, and then you start avoiding him, cause yes, I've noticed. You're avoiding him."

"It sounds awful when you put it that way"

"Merlin Sirius, you jerk. No wonder why he's been isolated and even more quiet"

"But it's obvious isn't it? , that it's for his own sake, that I love him"

"Of course NOT!"

James was laughing madly and Sirius felt his heart racing. Maybe James was right and Remus thought he had regretted it, which of course he would've never...

"Oh shit" he said feeling his arrhythmic heart. He was an idiot.

"Ask him to the dance you idiot, before someone else does and he ends up showing up with a bloke, AND KISSING HIM IN FRONT OF YOU"

Sirius felt a ferocious turn on his stomach, his eyes turned dark, his mouth on a straight thin line.

"I thought so"

Sirius rolled his eyes annoyed.

"it's fine. You have my blessing"

Sirius remained tense, he let out an angsty breath.

" James...damn, I think I might love him, like really love him, like to the bottom of the sea love him... and fuck, he confessed it too, to Padfoot and he'll know I'm Padfoot and then he'll hate me for it"

"Relax Pads. Go slow, you already fucked it up a bit, so ask him as friends. Then let's see where it goes, he's insecure, and you're intimidating, you need to meet halfway"

Sirius kept quiet. He had no prejudice at all, he was born on a strict, moral and prejudiced family. He had sworn to himself since he was kid, he was going to be the most opposite he could to his mother. So he just nodded, extremely nervous.

Of course he loved Remus, who wouldn't? He was beautiful, a bit scrawny and ill looking, but gorgeous. Deep green eyes and light brown hair, he was extremely bright and had such a sense of fairness that was remarkable, all that seasoned with a dark creative humor.

Now they were suddenly at fifth grade. And he could notice couples were starting to emerge from his generation, he knew maybe James didn't stand a chance with Lily, but he knew as soon as they graduated, James would find someone and marry. Even Peter was starting to date a fourth year old in Slytherin. It was just a matter of time before someone asked Remus, or worse, Remus gave up on him and asked someone out.

It hit him like lighting. He wanted Remus to himself. He had been sunken on the intense and maddening fear of thinking about his mother hurting Remus, on what people would say or talk about them. About a Black dating a werewolf.

Fuck.

He loved Remus. He never even had considered the fact of loving someone else, or that Remus was able to fall for another one, but he could.

He could.

OH FUCK.

Fuck his family. Fuck his mother. He would make it work, he was going to protect Remus from them. He wasn't going to loose him over fear.

He made a decision, he needed to be brave.

.......

"Moony, Moony" Sirius ran until he reached his friend, he was welcomed by a shocked look next to a nice warm smile and broken eyes.

"I haven't finished yet the essay for history of magic, as soon as I'm done I'll hand it on to you"

"Wait, what? No, I'm not here asking for your homework"

"Oh, so you already wrote it?"

"Erm, no. But I wanted to talk with you about something else"

Remus lifted an eyebrow interested, and a bit afraid. Was he going to talk about the kiss? No way, that was months ago, maybe he didn't even remember about it. He was drunk, of course he didn't remember.

"Are you taking someone to the ball? "

Remus face fell almost immediately. What could be worse than kissing him and then act as if it never happened and avoid him? Sirius talking about his date to the ball.

Perfect.

"No. And I'm not interested in it" he said sharply hoping the conversation to be over.

The fuck!?

"Wait, what!?" he swallowed hard. He didn't let Remus answer. "I want you to come with me"

"Where?"

"To the ball you idiot"

And that was a shock. He suddenly felt his heart racing, his breath coming uneasy, he tried to say Yes, but just a low stutter came out.

"Moony?"

"I... Why, would you?"

"Oh, is it too weird to ask you out? Blimey, I thought..."

"No! It ain't weird, we're... friends, I'd love to. Just, you're Sirius Black... Why would you ever want to come with... me? And not some hot bloke, or Theodore" he asked shyly a bit of jealousy and claim in his voice, Sirius looked rather lost, what did Remus meant? He damn well knew there was no one else but him, emotionally speaking of course. And he had explained so many times Theo and Sirius had a friends with benefits arrangement. He thought it was crystal clear.

"Why wouldn't I?"

And Remus felt he could melt at any second. He just smiled hopelessly, he couldn't stop himself from it.

"Thanks Sirius, I'd love to"

Sirius flashed him his most eccentric and flirty smile and with glowing gray eyes said, "And about the essay..."

Remus chuckled.

"I'll hand it to you in the morning"

"Thanks!"


	5. Jealous

  
Sirius was trying his best to tie the bow at his neck, his reflection looking rather lame.

"That's your gown?"

"Shut it Prongs"

"I mean, for real? Tuxedo and a black leather jacket? Where are your wizard dressing robes?"

"It's cold, and I like muggle clothes"

"So carry a coat... really mate is weird"

"Boooring, don't be boring James" Sirius said and took his wand and pointed straight to his neck.

"No suicides tonight"

"Shut up. *_Accio knot_*" a perfect knot was made in his black bow.

"Perfect"

James rolled his eyes. He took a long look at his friend, black tuxedo, white dressing shirt, black leather jacket, messy dark hair, and those untamed gray eyes. He knew Remus was going to lose his virginity soon enough. And he was damn grateful for it. He needed it urgently.

"Come on grandpa on a coat"

James rolled his eyes and both went to the common room, where they met Peter on his dark gray robes and Remus on a simple but nice dark green set of robes. Sirius smiled brightly at him, Remus felt a tight knot at his throat. Sirius was extremely good looking and had this sexual atmosphere around him, it made him tremble.

He felt far too tiny around him.

\- Stop it Remus, he kissed you twice, he asked you out. you're good enough -

Sirius didn't notice when did James and Peter dissipated, but he was grateful for it.

"You look amazingly gorgeous Moony"

An inevitable blush

"Thanks, you too" 

"Shall we?"

Remus laughed but took his arm, and both men walked out of the common room and into the ball. It was extremely well decorated, ice sculptures, blinding lights, an orchestra, everyone looked so beautiful it was astonishing.

"Is terrifying" Remus said when he noticed all eyes were looking directly at Sirius. Of course they were, he looked like a fucking rock star. Remus felt how all the girls (and quite a few men) were trying to jump at him, his insecurities started to increase, Sirius could feel it by his tense body and his concerned look.

"Hey Moony, dance with me"

"What? But we're men, we can't"

"Come on, just give it a try"

Sirius said with a warm smile and carefully placed his hand on his waist, he took his other hand and tangled their fingers.

Remus hand was sweaty and he couldn't stop to notice everyone looking at them.

"Close your eyes if it makes it easier"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just...not used to the attention"

"You want us to stop?"

Stop dancing with Sirius just because everyone was staring? Not in the fucking world.

"Never" he said with a shy smile and Sirius smiled even more brightly. They kept the slow rhythm until everyone started to mind their own business and they were just another couple on the dance floor.

"Why are you doing this?" Remus asked still a bit tense.

Sirius lifted an eyebrow a bit confused.

"Dancing?"

"With me, why choose me? "

"I don't know, I've never considered anyone but you"

Remus stood quietly. His face gave away anxiety and doubt but his eyes were infested with joy. Sirius exhaled dramatically. 

"I think I owe you an explanation"

"Oh, don't worry it's fine, we're friends. Not important" Remus said ashamed and tried to keep moving along the song.

"I believe it's important, and I'm kinda certain it's far more complicated than that"

"Are you?" he asked teasingly.

"I think you might love me as something else... stronger than a friend" he said shyly with his gray eyes fixed on bright green eyes.

Remus suddenly stopped dancing and took a step back from Sirius, his heart racing, his hands sweaty.

"It's fine, I'm completely grateful for it Moony, I... "

"Careful there. Stop." Remus voice was threatening and Sirius started to tremble between fear and adrenaline. Both stood two feet apart with hooked gazes. 

"Moony, am I mistaken?"

Remus felt the urgent need to disappear, to run away and never come back.

He knew Sirius deserved the truth. He owed that to him. But he also knew the truth would change everything about their friendship, about the marauders. He couldn't afford losing them.

Remus felt his eyes watery and his lips trembling, what could he say!? Sorry? Don't stop talking to me please?

" It doesn't matter" He said sharp.

"Of course it does. It matters to me, blimey Moony, how can you say that?"

"It doesn't matter how I feel about you. You're a pure blood, I'm a half blood. You'll end up being an Auror or headmaster or minister of magic, and I'll end up being an unemployable burden . We're friends. And I'm grateful for that, I know damn well my position, I know that I can't ask for more, the kiss was just a drunken impulse, the other one was a cute consolation prize, it's okay Sirius, you don't have to apologize for it"

Sirius was left speechless.

"So that's your bloody reason for not even TRYING?! " He said suddenly lit up in anger.

"Oh you need more? I'm a fucking werewolf Sirius. I can kill you on a bad night and not even recognize you"

Sirius stood quietly, trying to pick the right words. His brain feeling fuzzy, he felt his gut tied at his throat.

He saw how everyone was now looking at them again, entertained by their unexpected fight, he took Remus by the arm and grabbed him out of the dance floor, pushed him to the garden.

"If things were exactly opposite, would you still have this crush for me?"

Remus laughed bitterly, grateful for being finally out of sight.

"Fuck you Sirius, I don't have a crush on you. I bloody love you. Deep, heavy, insane love. And yes idiot, I wouldn't fucking care if you were a fucking centaur, it's you who I love, your fucking brightness, your braveness, your recklessness..."

Sirius felt a tight knot at his throat, Remus was braver than he was. Had always been.

"Then why would I have a bloody problem with who you are?"

"Because it's not the same kind of love we have for each other, you don't need to dig deeper on a drunken kiss, you were so ashamed about it that you ignored me for weeks. I get it."

"Damn Remus it wasn't that, you're so bloody thick."

"It's fine, I don't need you to let me down nicely, I know my place in this world"

"Damnit, shut it"

"And I'm sorry if this conversation makes you uncomfortable, I really was expecting for you to never know about this feeling"

"Remus, shush, let me think" 

"You don't have to prepare a speech, I'm fine, I'll come around, is just a...."

Remus couldn't stop himself from talking and Sirius couldn't think fast enough of a speech that could cover up all the new thing Remus kept saying. So as James had said once. He was dramatic and impulsive, so right in the middle of Remus cold reasoning, he kissed him.

It was sudden, unexpected, and a bit wild. First Remus fell frozen, the man he loved was holding him by the waist and the neck and with parted lips had kissed him deeply , he opened his mouth and felt a small hot bite on his lower lip. He gasped for air.

Sirius broke the kiss almost as sudden as he had given it.

"You kissed me, sober... and after you knew" Remus said blushed and genuinely shocked.

"Yes. I suck at words"

"But I'm a werewolf"

"And I'm a terrible sleeper, so we'll have to keep up with each other's defects"

Sirius saw how Remus eyes fell watery, he smiled wide and held him in a tight hug, Remus buried his face in his neck. Sirius could feel his tears.

"Also, I need to tell you something" Sirius said with nervous voice and Remus looked at him suspiciously "Promise you won't hate me or stop talking to me"

Remus felt nervous. It was such an emotions roller coaster. Fear, hopelessness, surprise, happiness, nervousness.

"What is it?"

"Promise me Moony" his gray eyes full of terror. Remus just nodded anxiously.

Sirius stood apart of him and started dissapearing, then a black big dog apparated. It was Padfoot.

Sirius was Padfoot.

Sirius was an _animagi_.

Sirius had been living on his house all summer and had helped him out through two full moons.

Sirius had SEEN HIM NAKED.

**OH SHIT.**

SIRIUS HAD HEARD HOW HE FELT ABOUT HIM! HE HAD HEARD ALL THOSE PATHETIC NIGHT MONOLOGUES TALKING ABOUT HIS NAIVE DREAMS ABOUT HIM .

**OH MY GOD. SIRIUS HAD SEEN HIM AS A WEREWOLF.**

He turned white as a sheet and felt he could pass out at any moment, the landscape before him started to blur. The dog dissapparated and strong arms were holding him by the waist. He was half conscious half into a panic attack.

"You motherfucker" he said madly and Sirius chuckled, holding him and burying his face on his neck, a sweet kiss on his neck, then a confident kiss on his lips.

"I fell in love too Remus. I fell for you, deep and hard, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It was the best summer of my life"

Remus felt his heart was way too big for his body, way too warm, he smiled brightly, his eyes full of tears, wet cheeks and fuzzy head.

"You've seen me, right? As a wild monster?"

"As a werewolf Moones. Not a monster"

Remus felt sick. Wild turns on his stomach.

"And even after... that you're telling me this?"

"It doesn't change anything, you're my Moony, shy with cardigans or wild with fangs"

Remus blushed so hard he had to hide his face on Sirius's neck.

"For real?"

"Never been more serious in my life"

Remus laughed at the clever use of words, he smiled wide and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek.

"And just so you know I wasn't ashamed of kissing you, I'll never regret it. I was terrified of my mother and what could do to you"

"Oh.. So that was it?"

"Yes. But honestly, I don't fucking care about her anymore. I won't lose you over fear. We'll sort it out, together"

"Together" Remus repeated and gave him a shy kiss on the lips.

......

"I'm sure I was able to find my way, but thanks anyway" Lily said a bit exalted by her recent fight with Severus.

"Well, it's been a pleasure" James said and bowed, she just smiled a bit surprised when she saw he was walking away.

"Thought you'd take advantage of the situation"

James was left speechless.

"No, of course not Lily. I like you, a lot. But I would never push my way into your life. There's boundaries, and I respect that"

"Never took you as a gentleman"

"I'm flawed, but I try to be good, I fail sometimes, but I truly try"

She gave him a shy smile and nodded.

James smiled at her, feeling his heart melting at her feet.

Then the common room door was open and Sirius walked inside with his hand holding Remus's hand. James couldn't help but notice it and let out a big "FUCK", Lily laughed out loud.

"I know"

"About bloody time"

"I know, I know" Sirius said and placed a kiss on Remus knuckles. He smiled shyly.

"We were actually planning on opening a firewhiskey bottle and chat until midnight, a bit more private quiet night"

"Yes, of course" James said sarcastically and Sirius understood right away.

"You idiot. Of course we were"

Remus understood and blushed fiercely.

"Maybe you could join us" He offered.

"You sure?" Lily asked impressed and both nodded.

"There's enough whiskey for all of us"

And that was the first of many nights that the four of them spent together, it was amazing how good and familiar it felt, James at Lily's side, Remus and Sirius joking and sharing small shy kisses on the cheek. James wished to stay like this forever.

And he got his wish. For a while.

.....

"Pads" Remus whispered on his ear and Sirius held his blanket tighter, Remus smiled and placed a soft kiss on his forehead, he was so grateful to finally being able to have Sirius like this.  
  
"Pads" He insisted and felt how his friend? Boyfriend? He didn't really know what to call him, Sirius, yes, Sirius resisted his attempts to wake him.

"Padfoot, we've got our final potions test"

"Don't want to" He mumbled half asleep and half conscious he had to have good OWLs in order to become an auror.

"Come on Pads" Remus shook Sirius and after some seconds Sirius let out a sigh and discovered himself, he was just wearing a tight black boxer, and of course it wasn't the first time Remus saw him like that, but it was the first time he realized he now was allowed to touch. That sudden thought made his heart race.

He waited with his eyes fixed on the window until Sirius got out of the bathroom.

" You're avoiding visual contact" Sirius said and Remus automatically turned to see him, his hair was not as messy and his face and teeth clean, but he was still wearing the black tight boxer, his arms folded just made his muscles a lot more harder to ignore.

"Of course not"

"No? you look anxious. Is it because I'm half naked?"

"I've seen you like that a thousand times"

"Really?" he asked with a teasing smile and walked where Remus was sitting, he slid his body through his legs and sat on his lap, a warm kiss on the lips that started slow but became hungry. He grabbed Remus tightly by the neck and started leaving a road of kisses and bites through his neck, Remus let out a gasp, Sirius could feel how Remus was already incredibly hard.

Sirius was lustful by nature. He was an extremely sexual person, and he liked Remus above everyone else, so it was just obvious that he was going to try to devour him as soon as possible.

He started unbuttoning his shirt, one curious hand slid through his trousers and Remus suddenly froze, one picture on his mind: his naked skinny scrawny body full of scars.

"Stop, Pads stop"

And if it had been anyone else Sirius would've rolled his eyes and never come back, but it was Moony, his Moony. So he stopped and gave him a worried look instead.

"I'm sorry, was I going too fast?"

"No, fuck... I" he was extremely aroused and annoyed with himself.

"It's okay Moony, we'll wait"

"I, I'm sorry"

"Don't be"

"I'm full of scars and totally un-sexy"

Sirius frowned at his words.

"We'll wait if you're not totally sure about giving this step, we'll wait if you're afraid, that's completely fine, but never, ever say that to me again Moony. You're amazingly beautiful and you make me crazy" Sirius said and took Remus hand and placed it on his own swallowed cock.

Remus felt a knot in his throat. He couldn't believe that his body could provoke Sirius.

"You're the sexiest to me"

Remus felt his heart pounding way too hard and hid his blushed face on Sirius neck.

"I love you Pads" it was the first time Remus said it out loud.

Sirius smiled at him

"I know" he joked arrogant.

Remus laughed against his skin and Sirius couldn't help but chuckle.

"je t'aime beaucoup"

Remus shivered at his words, he knew Sirius was fluent in English and French, he knew most pure bloods were fluent in many languages, but listening to it was a a whole different thing.

.....

Remus would never admit it out loud but he had a thing with James closeness to Sirius. He knew it was stupid, and he knew they would mock him for the rest of his life if he said something. But he really felt a turn in his stomach when he looked at them. They had always been so close to each other, no personal boundaries, a constant privacy invasion and Sirius used to smile at him in such a flirty way, it made him mad. Because Sirius was gay, he fancied men, it wasn't as Remus's pansexual attraction to any person, no, Sirius fancied men, he liked cock. And James was a man, a handsome and bright one too. He took a glance at them, they were both at James's bed, studying for divination. James used to be extremely tactile with Sirius, always touching his hair, his cheeks, his hands. And Sirius used to be so flirty, always laughing and smiling and biting his lip when he met James's hazel eyes.

He hated it.

He tried to forget about them and pay attention to his own book, but he couldn't. Next night was full moon and he usually was wild, jealous and dominant one night before it. So he couldn't quite stand to see his boyfriend tangled in such an indecent way with his best friend.

He was going to fucking jump at James if he didn't let go of Sirius.

James laughed at something Sirius said and pushed him playfully, Sirius pushed him back but James was stronger, he took him by the wrists and pulled him closer. Sirius body falling on top of James's, his noses almost touching. Remus could swear James could feel Sirius cock rubbing his own.

He stood up and walked out of the room shutting the door wildly behind him.

Sirius and James sat on the bed startled by the noise.

"Was it Moony?" James asked confused, Sirius just nodded.

"Maybe he couldn't concentrate with all the noise we make" Sirius offered.

"Or maybe he's madly jealous by the way you too behave" Peter said on a low murmur, he thought no one would notice. But they did.

"What do you mean wormtail?"

Peter rolled his eyes.

"Let's face it. You too behave as a couple" he said simply and James chuckled madly.

"Of course we don't!"

"We've never...."

"I know. You don't notice. But you do. And you don't notice neither, but it turns Remus mad"

James blushed lightly.

"Merlin, he'll hate me"

Sirius turned to see him and without thinking it, he touched his shoulder, resting his forehead on his.

"Hey, don't say that"

"See!!" Peter said and then Sirius noticed. He noticed he was two inches from James's lips. He separated wildly, James noticed it too for the first time and cursed under his breath.

"I gotta talk to him" he said and James nodded.

Sirius found him next to the lake, a silver wolf was playing over the water. It was Remus's patronus . Sirius mumbled under his breath and from his wand a silver dog ran to the wolf.

Remus smiled when he saw it. He turned and found Sirius looking at him.

"You were too loud. I had to study" he said simply and Sirius thought to himself, how many times had Remus used that excused before? Why he didn't say anything about it? Sirius used to be extremely possessive and he always used to let him know when someone's closeness with his Moony was maddening him.

"You're jealous" Sirius simply said and Remus rolled his eyes, though he blushed.

"Of your patrnous? Mine's a wolf. It's technically bigger than yours" he said and Sirius smiled.

"I've noticed mine is changing, can you notice it too?"

Remus payed attention closely. It was true, Sirius patronus used to be a messy haired dog. Now his fur was changing a bit, it looked more... As a wolf.

"How...?"

"I don't know. It just changed. Maybe a decade from now it'll be a wolf" he said with a shy smile and Remus smiled wide. Sirius sat next to him.

"I know James's your best friend. I know you love him as a brother. That's why I've never told you about it, it's stupid"

"But it hurts you, right? The way we behave with each other"

"It does. I... It drives me insane to see him touching you "

Sirius held his hand.

"I'm sorry Moony, I didn't realize it bothered you" he said sweetly and watching him so soft and submissive made a part of the wolf to wake. He was still missing 26 hours for the full moon, but his green eyes already had slight lights of amber.

"It doesn't just bother me. It drives me fucking insane"

Sirius looked him in the eye and understood, he quickly counted the days nervous but realized full moon wasn't until next day. They were alone at the lake, cold wind and the sun was setting. He felt his heart pounding on his chest.

Fear.

Remus could sniff fear.

"It won't happen again" he said shyly. And Remus closed his eyes feeling extremely aroused by Sirius innocent submissive answer.

"Pads, tomorrow's full moon. Get back to the castle, I'm not feeling well"

And Sirius knew. He damn well knew Remus was more wild and possessive one day before it. He knew he was always sexually aroused soon before and after the full moon and he tried his best to hide it from him, failing miserably. . He smiled confident. With fake shy voice he asked:

"You're sending me back to James?" he asked with soft voice but wild eyes, and it was all it took to do the trick.

Remus growled and took him by the wrists.

"Don't you fucking dare"

"What will you do about it huh?" He said defiant and raised an eyebrow.

"You fucker. Don't mess with me Sirius. I can't always control it"

"Fine. Then don't."

Remus kissed him wildly, he was stronger than Sirius, as close as the full moon was getting his strength grew considerably. He could keep him steady with one bare hand, hungry desperate kisses and a swallowed cock on his trousers.

"You're mine Sirius Black" he growled and pulled him closer, his touch leaving small bruises in his pale skin, Sirius was so aroused by it he felt he could come in a minute.

"Am I?" he asked between gasps and Remus stood up, he took his cock out of his robes, it was swollen, long and thick. His green eyes were gone. Amber eyes and a heavy heart. He pulled Sirius hair and made him swallow his cock. Sirius chocked when he felt the cock on his throat.

"Don't fucking forget it" he said and Sirius was already leaking in his own robes, he sucked Remus fervently. Swollen red lips and far too dirty tongue. He was touching himself too and just when Remus began to tremble and pushed his cock further into his mouth, he held his own cock tighter and came into his own orgasm. He was shaking, blushed and gasping for air. He pressed his forehead on Remus leg and felt him scratch his hair softly.

"You're far too lustful for your own good" Remus said still with his cock hard and thick, watching the smaller body before him kneeling, shaking. Gray eyes and blushed face with plumped lips.

"I love your cock" he said honestly and Remus chuckled.

"You have no idea how close I am to rape you"

"It wouldn't be rape you know? I want it so badly"

He considered it.

Then a loud voice in his head shook him -Don't you fucking dare hurt him-

He recognized it, it was himself trying to stop the wolf.

Remus came back to his senses.

He couldn't fuck Sirius. He was a dark creature. And they were myths about werewolves raping women and leaving them pregnant with cursed werewolves. He'd heard about werewolves losing themselves in sex close to a full moon and turning their partners with a bite. Even killing their partners. He couldn't allow that.

His eyes began to become green again. Sirius looked a bit disappointed when he noticed. Remus gave him a broken smile.

"Finish me" he ordered and Sirius smiled too. He took Remus cock again into his mouth and sucked it deep and wet, it was a matter of minutes, Remus moaned and came into his mouth. Sirius coughed, such a beautiful face with a thick drop of cum dripping from his lips. Remus let out a growl.

"Don't you ever, ever do that again one night before the full moon"

Sirius smiled wide.

"It's fine Moones"

"One day it won't, and I'll lose myself and rape you, and I... I could never forgive myself if I turn you or hurt you badly"

Sirius gave him a broken smile.

"I wouldn't mind, you know that, right?"

"But I would. I fucking would."

Sirius sighed.

"I'm sorry about the James issue. I didn't notice until Wormy told us"

Remus chuckled.

"It's fine on a daily basis. Just don't make me jealous one night before the full moon, cause I know the wolf would spot the doe again"

"So the night you almost attacked Prongs... You were jealous?"

Remus just nodded.

"Damn, you have to talk to me Moony. Every time you feel this way, let me know. I don't want to give you unnecessary tough full moons."

"I don't want to scare you away with my insecurities"

Sirius smiled and kissed his lips.

"There's no way you'll scare me away. No fucking way" he said and Remus smiled against his lips.

"Come on, it's freezing. You're cold"

.....

Sirius hated this place. He hated the pure scent of rustic decoration and expensive lotion. He hated that Regulus had been sent with Bella and Narcissa, he damn well knew those two were deep into dark magic. He could fucking swear Bella was almost a death eater.

He didn't like Regulus being close to them. He didn't like being alone at this house. He hated being with Walburga.

He entered the house walking distracted behind Kreacher. He was used to not being picked up by his parents at the Hogwarts express anymore. Just old Kreacher.

He didn't notice the slim black figure sitting on the dining table. Looking at him with mad eyes. He jumped when he spotted her.

"Mom" he said scared and she shook her head slowly.

"I'm not your mother you filthy blood traitor"

Sirius felt his heart pounding loud

"What do-?"

She didn't let him finish, she took her wand and pulled a silver string out of her head. She threw it into the air and a scene started playing before them.

It was Sirius, fourth year old Sirius talking with Remus, then he saw himself kissing Remus shyly on the lips. He understood. It was Regulus memory. And she had it. She knew.

"How dare you?" she said with cold eyes.

Sirius felt his heart loud and his breath unsteady.

"I'm sorry. I... I've always fancied blokes" he said crying. He didn't know when he had started or how his voice was suddenly so weak and broken.

She took her wand and with no hesitation pointed it at him.

"_Crucio_" she said and Sirius fell to his knees, he screamed in pain. She stood stoic.

"I knew there was something odd with you. But how fucking dare you mate with a half blood!? With a werewolf!!?"

Sirius eyes gave away terror. It was all she needed to confirm her theory. She waved her wand and Sirius felt a tachycardia and dizziness, starting to hallucinate in pain. He screamed again.

"I forbid you to see him again. You're a pure blood. You're the heir of this house and family, I won't allow you to embarrass our family with your stupidity" she said and mumbled again under her breath, he screamed and started convulsing. His mind starting to slip away.

"_Imperio_" it was his father, and he was trying to manipulate his mother to make her stop.

Sirius was left in the floor shaking and unable to move, his terrified eyes and broken heart. Whining loudly.

"Sirius, are you still here?" his dad asked while holding his wand at Walburga, shaking arm and divided glare. His son just nodded, pale as a ghost.

"You need to get out of here. Now. And never come back" he started crying while trying to pick himself from the ground. His dad was stone cold, but at least wasn't hurting him.

"Dad...?" he asked broken and Orion shook his head.

"You betrayed us. But you're my son, you don't deserve to die like this. Go" was all he said.

Sirius wanted to tell him, he loved him, he was sorry, he couldn't control his feelings for Remus, and loving a half blood or a werewolf wasn't betraying anyone. His heart was infested by madness, anger and pain. So much pain.

"Go!" he screamed unable to hold Walburga any longer and Sirius ran from his house. He thought that might be the last time he'd see his parents.

And he was right.

He walked still crying madly to James's front door. Shaking, wounded, sobbing. He didn't have to say a word, James mom knew. Just by the look of it. She took him in a hug, kissed his forehead and walked him inside the house.

"You're my son Sirius. Not by birth, but by love. You'll always be my son."

"I'm a Black" he said full of disgust still in shock and crying.

"Yes you are. And you have two choices. Take our last name and wipe away your past. Or take your last name and turn it around. Make the world know Black's aren't pure blood supremacists, but fantastic aurors. Warm hearted men. Your choice. Doesn't matter what your last name is. You're my son"

Sirius broke out crying in her arms. James was silently tearing next to his father who witnessed the scene. His mother was crying while holding him strongly into her arms.

James walked closer and hugged him too.

"You're part of us" he said with a huge smile and Sirius smiled for the first time that day.

.....

Remus received a letter that night, it was James's and he was telling him all about Sirius. How he had taken a crucio from his own mother, how he had been disinherited and thrown to the street. Remus was crying at every single word.

The letter didn't say why, but he knew. He damn well knew why.

His parents must have found out about him and had taken it on Sirius. He ran from his house that night, leaving a letter to his parents. By the morning he was already nervously knocking the Potters front door.

When James opened the door Remus looked for Sirius, he spotted him at the kitchen, a huge modern all white minimalist kitchen, Sirius sipping tea on a chair talking with James father about the Ministry and aurors. He walked almost running to the man he loved.

"Pads" he said on a broken whisper and Sirius turned with a shy smile.

Remus thought that maybe Sirius would hate him after what he had suffered, he thought he deserved it. He had made Sirius loose it all, his money, his parents, his social position, ALL because of him. But Sirius eyes were warm and his smile was welcoming.

"I'm so sorry" he said at the edge of crying. And Sirius stood up, Remus could see the wounds still open on his flesh. His heart broke. He had never seen Sirius so broken and afraid before, he was lost in pain. His gray eyes were dull.

"It's fine Moony. They never really loved me" he said weakly and Remus hugged him.

"But I do. I love you Sirius. I know it's not the same, but you're worthy. You're amazing. Don't let her words get to you. You're kind and brave and perfect."

Sirius held him tighter, he was crying softly and trembling but somehow those thin arms and tall body covering his own made him feel secure, made him feel worthy.

"I'm sorry" Sirius said shyly and Remus shook his head.

"You did nothing wrong Sirius. Nothing" he said bravely and not caring about James or James's parents looking at them, he kissed him shyly on the lips.

Eupheumenia Potter understood why Walburga had kicked his own boy from her house. She felt heart broken and smiled brightly at them. She was so freaking happy Sirius had found love. So relieved it was Remus. Her heart warm and fuzzy.

"Oh boys, you're making me cry" she said mockingly and her husband let out a chuckle.

"Stay a couple of days Remus, I'll owl your father"

James smiled at their parents. He had never been so proud of them as he was in this moment.

.......

**Sixth Grade**

  
"It clearly says squeeze with knife blend" James said and pointed at the book.

"Severus wrote squeeze with blend, the book says cut" Peter replied and pointed back.

"Haven't you seen him you idiot? Severus has a fucking gift for Potions"

"Never in my life thought you'd compliment Snivellus about something"

"I know, I'm desperate" James said and exhaled, he had reached an agreement with Slughorn to be able to produce Amortentia in exchange for not failing Potions AGAIN.

"Fine, we didn't steal this damn book for nothing, we'll squeeze"

"One more step and it'll be ready"

"I can't believe we'll make it"

"Severus will"

James added the last ingredient.

"How do we know its ready?"

Sirius walked into the room, his messy hair and his transfiguration and defense against dark arts book both open.

"Hey, have you seen my.... What the bloody hell!?"

"What?" both James and Peter asked a bit startled.

Remus walked just behind him into the bedroom with a pile of books from the library.

"Fuck Sirius, told you to stop smoking, I can smell nothing but cigarettes and firewhiskey"

"How can you pick up all those scents when the bloody room smells like books and fucking moisture!? We're infested on your stuff"

"So you're telling me books smell more than a cigarette you prick ?"

"Can't decide because EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE LAVANDA"

"That's my lotion, thought you liked it. Besides I just brought these books, don't be a drama queen"

Peter was biting his tongue doing his best not to let a hysterical laugh slid, James on the other side was chuckling half asphyxiated by the laughter he tried hard not to let out.

Remus leaned on Sirius and sniffed, rugging his nose almost immediately.  
  
"Damn Sirius, go get a damn shower, you smell like wet dog "

"You git" Sirius said and James couldn't resist anymore and broke out laughing, Peter burst out laughing even louder. Sirius and Remus turned a bit annoyed at them, what was so funny about it? They clearly needed to help cleaning this room.

"What's so fucking hilarious?"

"You dumb idiots. Amortentia" James said and pointed to the little black cauldron he had.

Sirius quickly burst out laughing.

"Oh lord!"

Remus covered his face with both hands unable to contain his wide smile and blush.

"Oh fuck, we're idiots" Remus swore and Sirius hugged him tight, he stood on his toes and placed a soft kiss on his jaw, Remus quickly pressed his lips on his boyfriends.

"Oh Merlin, even if Slughorn fails me, this has been totally worth it" James said already out of breath because of all the laughter.

.......

"So everything smells like wet dog huh?" Sirius thick voice behind his ear sent a shaking shiver through his whole body, he felt strong arms around his waist and shy but intense kisses on his neck.

"It did smell like Pads"

Sirius chuckled.

"You looked extremely hot today at DADA"

Remus chuckled and turned in his small bed, he was far too used to Sirius night crawling into his bed, when Sirius had said he was a terrible sleeper, he wasn't shitting around. He was.

"Did I?" he asked tiredly and rested his forehead in his boyfriends, gray vivid eyes before him.

"Extremely. And when you defeated Severus on the duel, fuck I could hardly keep my hands to myself after it"

Remus blushed lightly but gave him a devilish tempting smile.

"So you were turned on by my clever use of spells?"

"It was something else, I can't put it into words, but fuck Moony, I'd love to duel with you one day. Suddenly you become dangerous and wild"

Remus laughed against his will.

"I'm always dangerous and wild idiot. I'm a werewolf"

Sirius shivered. He used to forget about it, he then chuckled.

"I forget about that, I keep seeing the shy sweet boy in a cardigan"

Remus smiled.

"And yet the wild me turns you on"

"I can't explain it. When you're shy and sweet I want to keep you away from the world and have you on a big bed drinking tea and hold you forever. When you're devilish and wild I want to rip your clothes off and fuck you through the night"

Remus blushed lightly but let out a heavy lustful grin.

"So you'd be the one fucking me, huh?" Sirius blushed lightly but nodded.

Remus kissed his lips shyly at first, desperate soon after it, a sharp bite at his bottom lip, Sirius gasped for air.

"Tell me what you'd like to do to me"

"Fuck... Remus"

"Today after the duel, we were at the classroom, I could've sneaked to the small cupboard where Dumbledore keeps the extra books, would you have noticed it?"

Sirius felt his cock tingling, his heart began beating a bit faster than usual.

"Of course I would've"

"I would've let the door unlocked, wait for you to come in..."

Sirius let out a low growl and pressed his lips on his neck.

"I would've pushed you against the wall, let the door slightly open, set your legs apart and start rubbing myself against that beautiful incredible arse you've got"

He said with trembling voice while sliding his hand through his PJS, Remus skin was soft and rough at the same time, every rough spot was a scar from a bad full moon, while those large inches of thin soft skin was just Remus. He reached for his cock and pressed its head lightly. Remus let out a moan and closed his eyes in embarrassment. He could feel Sirius thick cock on his hips.

"Maybe I would've let slide one finger inside you, curl it inside you till you started shaking" so he did, Remus didn't know why but he was thankful Sirius finger was wet and warm.

Remus breath started to become unsteady. Sirius heart was beating so loud you could feel the heartbeat through all his skin.

"Then another couple of fingers till you couldn't stand it any longer"

He said and curled his finger inside him, hitting a small spot, Remus started trembling. It was the first time in his life someone found and touched his prostate. As a matter of fact it was his first sexual encounter, besides all those messy wet kisses with Sirius and that blowjob he had received before the full moon.

"I would've been begging for your cock already" Remus said between sharp breaths and Sirius let out a moan, Remus wasn't even touching him and Sirius was incredibly hard, Remus smiled and soon after he moaned, two fingers curling inside him, one hand around his cock, wanking him masterfully.

"Sirius" he moaned and Sirius kissed his neck, a third finger inside him thrusting him faster.

"I would've pushed my cock inside you, hitting just this place" he said while pressing against Remus's prostate, rubbing it in circles. Remus couldn't help himself, he came with a loud moan and shaking limbs.

"Oh Merlin" his heart way too loud on his chest. He felt wild pleasure convulsions through his whole body. He could still feel Sirius thick cock on his hips demanding attention."I would love that thick cock inside me"

Sirius eyes were closed and he was trembling lightly, Remus grin was so wide you could see it even in the dark.

"And my body would be so tight around you, so fucking wet for you" he said the most dirty he could between his inconsistent breaths and licked his own hand pressing it to Sirius cock. One loud moan ending on a growl.

"Moony" he said between gasps and Remus smiled wide.

"I would've pushed myself into you trying to feel you deeper" he said and began wanking his cock, it didn't take long, just one more dirty sentence on his low rough voice "Come for me Sirius"

A way too loud - for a shared room- moan and he held into Remus waist harder, leaving his fingerprints in his soft skin, a thick warm liquid on Remus's hand. Shaking breaths and a loud heartbeat. Remus was smiling so much, he couldn't hide his joy - HE Remus Lupin had made Sirius Black come just by touching him, he felt proud and for the first time in his life, beautiful- Sirius rolled his eyes when he saw him

"Stop it" he said between chuckles and Remus kissed his lips.

"So you really like the other side of me huh? Dirty talk and Amber eyes?" Remus asked and Sirius blushed lightly. He just nodded.

"It makes me crazy" he said and looked him in the eye. Gray bright eyes.

"I can see "

"And yet I haven't found the side of me that makes you crazy" Sirius said an Remus let out a laugh.

"Don't be stupid. All of you makes me crazy Sirius. You're beautiful and sexy, sweet, wild, possessive, reckless. I'm a whore for all of it"

Sirius laughed, he loved Remus cursed most of all of them. Bad words on Remus sounded gracious and hot, it suited him.

"I'm not possessive"

"You're not? Then why did you jinxed Lily right after she said I'd make an amazing husband?"

"I didn't jinx her! She fell!"

"U-huh"

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Fine, I did. She's not allowed to think about you that way. She knows you're mine" Sirius said on a low dark voice and Remus smiled.

"I knew it was you"

Sirius let out a chuckle and mumbled some cleaning spell, both of them dry again. Remus buried his face on his neck, he loved the scent of those wild black curls.

"Goodnight Moony" he said and Remus just kissed his chest. Both of them falling asleep soon after it.

......


	6. Growing up

**Seventh year**

"I'm proposing to Lily tonight" 

"What the fuck!?" 

"I know, seems a bit unexpected" 

"It is bloody unexpected" Sirius yelled losing his cool so quick he even was impressed by it. James stood calmly before him.

"I know, but a war is coming, we graduate in less than a month, I'm certain about her, I love her deeply" He said certain and Sirius felt a sudden need of air, it was as if his lungs refused to cooperate.

He tried to inhale and exhale, after a few seconds he closed his eyes and was able to speak again.

"I know that mate, since fourth grade I've known that, but you've been dating for a year, isn't it too soon? I think it might be rushed" 

"Why wait Pads? So that - you know who- gets a chance to kill me before I even know what it's like to wake up next to Lily?" 

Sirius felt a wild shiver through his body, he had never imagined a world without James. He didn't even want to consider it.

"No one is going to kill you James. You'll be all right" He said darkly and James slid his fingers through his already messy black hair, trying to make it wilder.

"I just don't see a reason for waiting. We love each other and if we want it to work, we'll make it work, a decade from now or tomorrow."

Sirius stood quietly listening to his best friend, his words made so much sense, so why was he resisting so much? It wasn't even his decision, he couldn't do anything about it. Why he couldn't stand listening to this? Maybe cause it was too sudden and that kinda meant losing James, he bit his lips and shook his head. His best friends glare suddenly broken. Hazel teary eyes. Sirius shook his head and started breathing again.

" Blimey, I'm sorry Prongs, I was being selfish" he walked next to him and embraced him on a tight hug "of course it'll work, you guys love each other and are brave and far too bright. You'll be fine. I was just shaken up a bit, we grew up too damn fast right?" He tried to hide his pain with an empathetic smile.

James let out a chuckle. 

"We did Pads." 

A sour silence around the empty classroom they were at. Sirius tried to make his awkward reaction a bit understandable.

"I want to keep on seeing you, you prick, don't want to lose you" he said on a low insecure whisper. 

James laughed and hugged him, Sirius's black curls resting on James neck. Sirius could feel he was so close to crying, having him so close and still was about to watch him grow, to watch him go.

"Of course you will you drama queen. We're a family. All of us. We'll grow up together Pads, don't even doubt it" 

Sirius nodded with a warm smile. And held him a bit tighter. 

"I'm happy for you Prongs." He said on a suffocated voice, trying to swallow the tight knot that rested in his throat.

James just nodded, he knew Sirius wasn't taking it way too well, but he always knew it could be this way, or worse. As a matter of fact James knew if Sirius had been the first to make this decision he'd be devastated and -he didn't want to admit it- jealous. 

"What about you?" He said trying to lighten the atmosphere in the room.

"Me?" Sirius asked a bit confused, still holding him tightly, he raised his bright gray eyes and James felt a turn in his stomach when he met his gaze, Sirius was beyond average handsome... where the hell did that thought came from James?! James pushed him softly and broke the hug, taking two steps back and clearing his throat.

"Yes, you got in, you'll soon be an auror! What's next? " He said wandering around the room pretending to see through the windows. He heard a soft chuckle.

"I got accepted on training, there's still 3 more years to go, anything can happen, you're applying next year right? Don't give up on me" Sirius pleaded and James felt his stomach turn even more wildly. What the hell was happening?

"I will apply, I have to get in too, we'll be partners remember?" He said trying to pretend his mind wasn't rushing a thousand miles a second, Sirius didn't seem to notice it though. 

Sirius nodded but didn't say anything, he looked nervous. 

"You'll make it Pads. You're damn good at transfiguration and spells, and of course wandless magic is irresistible" James joked and Sirius let out an honest laugh. 

"I don't wanna leave Hogwarts, I like it here. London gives me far too many unwanted memories" 

James bit his lip. 

"I know. You'll have to make new ones, better ones" 

"Always so positive Prongs" 

They both stood quietly, James was taking intermittent glances between gray eyes and the forbidden forest through the window. 

"What about Remus?" He dared to ask trying not to look at him.

"What about him?" Sirius asked a bit surprised about the question.

"You've talked about it?" 

"Oh no, he's been a bit off since I got accepted, I think he's just worried" 

"You should talk to him" James suggested trying not to sound awkward.

"I know. I think he tried to apply for something at the Ministry but got rejected, he's been even more blue since that" 

"It's hard for a werewolf" 

"I hate that, it's only one night a month. Fucking stupid ministry rules" 

"I know" he said and sighed.

A long heavy silence between them. 

"Maybe I should do the same" Sirius said out of nowhere without looking at him, his eyes lost too in the Forbidden forest, James wondered for a bit if he was using the view as an excuse yo avoid his gaze too.

"Be unemployed?" James joked and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"No idiot. Propose to Remus" 

James almost chocked with his own saliva, Sirius chuckled.

"Exactly my reaction when you told me" Sirius said and James blushed, why the mere thought about Sirius committing to Remus made his stomach turn? He loved Remus, he loved Sirius and Remus together as a couple, they were perfect for each other -_but Sirius is yours. Yours only_\- Fuck. James shook his head trying to wipe away that voice in his head. 

"What? No, of course not, you guys have been together for how long? 3 years?" 

Sirius just nodded. 

"I think is the best you can do for both of you" James insisted and Sirius just sighed.

"I know" 

"...But?" He asked feeling both interested and awful for wanting to find Sirius wasn't certain about Remus.

"My mother, she resents me. She hated him. She's kinda hoping is just a school fling, Regulus told me she's looking for pure blood gay wizards" 

James didn't know what to say.

"Oh fuck" 

"Yes. It's not the gay matter what hurts her, it's the Remus matter. So if I move with him and eventually marry him, she'll find a way to destroy him." He said hopelessly and James couldn't hold his tongue.

"So if you were with a pure-blood wealthy wizard, she'd be all right with it?"

"It seems like it" Sirius said not realizing his words. James was a pure-blood wealthy wizard... who was about to propose to his girlfriend. Hold your shit James.

"She has defined your life for so long mate. Doesn't deserve to keep doing it" He said trying to give the best advise he could.

Sirius smiled at James. 

"I know. I'll figure it out, don't worry. You already got a ring?" 

James laughed. A kind of a bittersweet laugh.

"Two actually" He said with glowing hazel eyes.

"You're proposing twice?" 

"No idiot, one's for you" he said and started looking in his pockets. Sirius felt his heart racing, 'cause he was so fucking sure that if for any magical reason James had been gay or bisexual, Sirius would have fallen, deep and hard and he knew James was so careless he would've proposed like this. A glimpse of the life that he never thought he had so perfectly clear in mind.

"Oh lord, are you proposing to me!? Remus will not like this" He said trying to joke and James let out a loud laugh. 

"Bloody idiot, I went looking at so many places and countries for the right ring for Lily and found this at an old Irish market" He said and gave him a black ring with a beautiful dog crafted in. 

"It's black steel and white gold" He said with a soft smile.

"Fuck James, it's beautiful" 

It was minimalist, simple and heavy. 

"I bought Lily this one. Cause it reminds me of her eyes" he then showed him a simple ring with a heavy visible green diamond. 

"That seems pretty expensive" Sirius said looking at him interested.

"It is. You can propose with that one, it reminds me of both of you" He half-lied, when he saw the ring first thought that came to his mind was Sirius, but Remus was an unavoidable extension of Sirius, so yeah, he guessed, it was for both of them.

Sirius just nodded. His eyes watery and his heart warm. 

"You knew I was going to propose" He said with raised eyebrows and James smiled honestly.

"I knew someday you would" 

Sirius smiled and nodded, he bit his lip and the only thought of kneeling before Remus made his heart jump and his stomach turn wildly. 

"I'm fucking nervous already" 

"Only if you're sure about it Pads" 

"Why wouldn't I be?" Sirius asked as i it was the silliest of the questions. 

James felt -yes again- a twitch in his stomach.

...... 

It was past midnight, deep dark sky and ice cold wind. Remus felt someone trying to get into his bed. He didn't want to wake up. He loved sleeping, and he was exhausted, the full moon had been just two nights ago, he needed rest. Sirius knew that. 

He knew that and even though was climbing to his bed so this must be important. He moved tiredly and Sirius wrapped himself with his blankets. As soon as he was close enough a deep heavy scent of alcohol hit him. He opened his eyes immediately, 

"Sorry Moony, go to sleep" he said clumsily and Remus really wanted to do that, but the shy broken tone on his boyfriends voice and the evident drunkenness set an alarm on his mind. 

"You're drunk. What's the matter pads?" he asked and buried his face on his long black curls, a sweet kiss on his head. 

Sirius sighed dramatically. 

"I'm a bit drunk, just the usual... I think I don't want James to marry Lily... I don't want him to marry anyone" he said on a low weak voice and Remus felt a bizarre pain on his heart, a bit of jealousy and hurt. 

"Why?" 

Sirius bit his lip and before he could answer, Remus's demons spoke

"Is it because you realized that maybe you feel something deeper for him?" he asked because honestly he had always thought that, but his broken voice made Sirius chuckled and shake his head. 

"No, I like Lily. She's helped Prongs so much. And he adores her. I just... Fuck. I don't want to him you know? Since we're 11 we've been together every day, I don't want that to change. But of course it would, because he'll live with Lily, and I can't move there "

Remus smiled against his will, Sirius had considered moving with his newly wed best friend and his wife. How dependant was that?

" But you knew someday both of you would have different paths"

"Kind of, but we always used to say we had a plan. We will become aurors. Be partners, so we'll meet everyday at work, then we were going to buy houses next to each other. And we would be neighbors too. But now everything's too soon, he didn't get in, and instead he's thinking on taking some time just to be with Lily you know? I know we're getting into a war, but suddenly he changed the plans and put Lily first, and don't get me wrong, it's... fine. I just.... I don't want anything to change. I don't want him to forget me" he said shyly and Remus heart felt half broken. Half broken because Sirius really loved James a way beyond a friendship, maybe he didn't have sexual desire for him, or never had actually thought about it, but it wasn't so common to feel that possessive with a best friend. He sighed.

"Nothing will change Pads. He loves you. You'll always be his best friend. Try to empathize. He was so in love with Lily since fourth grade, and now he finally got her and he proposed and she said yes! Imagine how he feels right now... I know, I know you've never had the same desire or anxiety with anyone, well not yet, maybe after this... " His insecurities started to stumble his words

" Stop right there Moones. I was fucking losing my mind when you confessed that night to Padfoot you were in love with me. I felt as if I had just won the godamn lottery. I get how Prongs feels. And I'm happy for him, I just thought we would take it slower"

"Well , he has the economic stability to do it now. So why wait?" 

Sirius swallowed hard. 

"I just... I'm being a jerk. Sorry" he said and tried to run away, Remus held him by the waist, holding him close to his own body. 

"Its fine. I'm kind of in shock too. I think we're too young for marriage, a job, bills and full responsibility. But I guess that's life. At 17 you're too young to have a beer, at 19 you're expected to be an adult. It's like a bitter joke" he said softly and Sirius chuckled. 

"It is. I think that's what gets me the most. We grew up in a blink. And he looks so fucking certain about his life, it scares the shit out of me" 

Remus felt his heart cracking a bit. 

"Well, he's always been certain about her" He said a bit jealous, trying to make Sirius understand James loved Lily. -In case he had forgotten he loved Remus-

Sirius turned wildly and looked for his eyes sobering up in a blink. 

"Remus. I'm certain about you. What I'm not certain is if I'd be able to give you what you need, what you deserve. Health insurance, a nice flat, food on the table, a safe solid future" 

Remus frowned. 

"What do you mean Pads? We're a team, we're supposed to do that together. It's not your responsibility" 

Sirius gave him a smile and kissed his forehead, he didn't say anything, but Remus understood. 

"Sirius, I don't want to be a burden. I... I know I'm not... fuck, I know no one would hire me, but I could try muggle jobs, I could try online jobs, I..." he didn't notice when tears started filling his eyes "I'm not your responsibility to take" he said a bit broken and Sirius kissed his lips. 

"I know that, I know you'll get a fine job, I've never doubted it love, I know you're bright and capable, I didn't mean that, I... Fuck, I love you Remus. I just, I'd like to be able to do what James will do for Lily. But my mother disinterested me and I just have my uncles Gringotts vault, and I'm afraid is not much, can't afford a large house with a backyard"

"Sirius, I love you. Not your family's money, not a house with a backyard. I love you." 

"I know, I... I'm sorry. I'm just a bit emotional and drunk. Go to sleep, you're tired" 

He said and kissed his lips, then he turned and crawled into Remus's arms and after heavy breathing, fell to sleep. Remus couldn't sleep that night. 

......

"Is everything all right?" James found him sitting at the lake, his eyes lost in the landscape his hands turning the black ring from one hand to another nervously. 

"Hey Prongs. Yeah, just the usual me trying to skip Potions" 

James chuckled and sat next to him. 

"Me too. But you used to sneak to the Quiditch stadium before, that's where we usually met" 

Sirius smiled. 

"I'm feeling more nostalgic I guess" 

"Remus is worried about you mate." 

"He shouldn't be, it's not like if first year aurors face Voldemort" 

James chuckled. 

"I meant about how you told him you didn't want me to marry" He said with an entertained grin.

Sirius blushed. 

"I was drunk" 

"He mentioned it" But James was still smiling way too wide for the topic, Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You're enjoying this prick. I was emotional, drunk, the black ring burning in my coat... It was way too much, don't feel too special" He said and pretended to ignore him, James smiled widely. 

"I'm sure is not about me" He lied and then chuckled "You don't have to propose if you don't want to Pads" He said turning his voice serious.

Sirius eyes broke. 

"I want to Prongs. Is not that... " Sirius couldn't put into words all the messy feelings he had experienced the last week, from anger, to joy, to bitter jealousy, to acceptance, to excitement... it was way too much, he couldn't tell James about that hidden crush he had for him in second grade. He just couldn't, so he tried to make an excuse "But... I don't want him to live poorly, and I don't want him to go back to his folks and feel like a miserable failure, but I can't offer him the life I want for him, for us... So I have no idea what to do, and I thought maybe we could move together the four of us, share our expenses. But you're getting married, which is amazing, and exciting and terrifying. And Peter's taking a year, still don't know why, but he'll be traveling. And well ... You and I know Remus can't land a job easily"

James understood, he nodded and hugged him tightly. 

"Practically half of my heritage it's yours Pads" 

Sirius shook his head violently. 

"It's not. Don't start on it again or I'll turn you into a dog again" 

James chuckled but didn't push it. Every time he started this conversation he usually ended up in the hospital wing trying to stop his skin from itching from all the flies. 

"What about me lending you money? So you can buy a place, and then just worry about the food, services and health issues, you can work that out" 

Sirius sighed. 

"I don't know mate. You're starting a family, you'll need that money" 

"I have way too many Pads. Trust me" 

"More than the Malfoys?" he said teasingly and James seriously nodded. 

"Shut up!" 

"Yup. I think I'm the wealthiest wizard right now" 

"How...?" 

"Well, my whole family money lies with me, from generations... I, I had no idea until my folks died and they showed me to Gringotts. It's fucking mad" 

Sirius laughed. 

James chuckled but insisted. 

"Accept it Pads, buy a small cute flat. And you can pay me back whenever you want to, I really think it's the best you can do, for both of you" 

And James was right. So fucking right. Sirius knew it, and it was an amazing offer to be honest, and he wasn't lying, he really had a bit of a Peter Pan issue, he didn't want to grow up. James understood, but for the first time he wasn't going to join Sirius on this tantrum. Sirius closed his eyes and took deep breaths. 

"Merlin, we're adults" 

"It's not the end of the world Pads. It's just the beginning" he said with a huge grin and offered his hand, Sirius grinned but took it, James helped him off to his feet. Sirius threw his arm around his shoulders. 

"I accept the offer, thank you Prongs. Whenever you see I'm losing my shit over growing up again, you're officially allowed to hit me in the face" 

James laughed. 

"I'll keep it in mind" 

....... 

It was their last week at Hogwarts, Remus had just gotten out of his last full moon at the shrieking shack, Sirius knew damn well where he could find him, he knew Dumbledore used to lend him the Defense against dark arts classroom whenever he felt low or wanted to be away from everyone else. 

Sirius opened the locked door and walked inside, he found Remus looking so much better than two nights ago, just one scar at his cheek and one red bruise on his eyebrow. 

"Pads" Remus sounded surprised, he was deciding which books he was going to give back and which ones he was going to steal. 

"Moony, what are you going to do after this?" 

"Don't know yet, I was going to ask you to Hogsmade, a nice walk and a hot tea" 

Sirius smiled wide. 

"No, I mean after Friday" Friday was their graduation. Their last day of Hogwarts. 

"Oh, I, I've sent applications almost everywhere, but I, seems I don't quite qualify" He said the last words almost on a whisper. 

"I start two weeks from now " 

"I know, and you'll be great, you'll be the best, I know that" 

Sirius smiled wide feeling his heart pounding it's way out of his body. The words too messy inside his brain. 

"I'm moving to London, Moony" 

Remus bit his lips and swallowed hard, oh God, here it comes, Sirius was dumping him, maybe he had realized his own feelings for James, Sirius was oblivious, maybe it had taken a bit longer... Sirius was leaving him. Of course he was. He was going to be an auror, the best one, he was going to break his family legacy and stand up for something good. He was going to be a fucking legend and he couldn't live dragging such a burden. An unemployable half blood werewolf. He understood perfectly, it was the best for Sirius. 

"Remus, are you listening?" 

He used his name. Damn it was cold. He sat a bit lost in words, his heart already breaking. Of course he was just a school fling. His eyes fighting the tears inside them.

"Yes, I am. I understand" 

"You understand what precisely?" 

"You're becoming an auror, you'll be fantastic. You'll move to London. It'll be fine, we can still meet up monthly at James or Peter's . We can keep being friends, if you want to of course" 

"What the bloody hell are you talking about Remus!?" 

"I understand you'll need someone better by your side" _James_

"You didn't fucking listen! " 

Sirius sounded as if he was dancing between the line of anger and madness or hysterical laughter. So Remus just closed his mouth and tried to clear his head. 

"Sorry" Sirius rolled his eyes at his apology and exhaled louder. He looked nervous biting his lip and trembling lightly. Remus was extremely intrigued by it. 

"As I was saying, Remus Lupin I love you. With all your demons, insecurities and flaws, you make me stronger, you make me good. You're the bravest, sweetest, brightest man I've met. And I would be the luckiest happiest man if you accept to spend the rest of your life by my side."

He knelt

" Moony, I know it's not legal for us to marry, but if it were, would you marry me? "

Remus stood quietly, his heart completely untamed. His hands trembling, he couldn't find the right words, he threw himself at Sirius and held him on a hug, he was crying and trembling and mumbling so many unintelligibles " yes" 

Sirius thought this had been so far the most adorable moment of Remus. Having him on his lap hugging him and crying, smiling and completely euphoric. 

After uncountable kisses and a long warm hug, Remus seemed a bit more relaxed, he seeked Sirius gaze and mouthed a sweet "I do" 

"Here" Sirius said and took Remus left hand, he slid the ring through his finger and felt how Remus breathing became unsteady. He kissed his hand. 

"Come live with me Moones" 

"To London?" 

"Yes" 

"But the full moon, I can't be around of so many people" 

"I know, I actually kinda bought a cabin" 

Remus stood quiet sitting at his boyfriends lap. 

"A cabin? " 

"It's in the middle of the forest, next to the sea, I bet Moony and Pads can run there for hours" 

"You didn't" 

"Just two hours drive from London, though I bet I could make one on my bike" 

Remus felt his cheeks watery. 

"But how?" 

"The Birling Gap cabin with my uncle's heritage. The London flat... James lent me some money" 

"Oh Sirius, fuck and I... I didn't do nothing to help you" he said worried and Sirius smiled. 

"Take it easy, there's still plenty of time to help" 

Remus kissed him shyly 

"So that's a yes, you'll move on with me next week?" 

Remus let out a chuckle, his face wet from all the tears. 

"I don't know, am I allowed a cat? " 

"No cats. You know Padfoot and cats are not to be combined" 

"Then I'll have to think about it" 

"REALLY? FOR A BLOODY CAT?" 

Remus let out a loud laugh, he was sitting at Sirius lap, the black ring proudly on his finger, he kissed him deeply, biting his lips and sucking his tongue. 

"Yes, I'll move with you next week, and yes I want to spend my life by your side" 

Sirius was half aroused by the kiss and so intoxicated in happiness, adrenaline boiling his blood, he stood up and carried Remus to the desk, still kissing him deeply, he laid him down at Dumbledores desk and started biting his neck, unbottoning his shirt and kissing him fiercely, Remus was half lost in desire already.

"Not in Dumbledores desk" he said between messy breathing. 

"Is the right way of saying goodbye to Hogwarts" Sirius said with a raised eyebrow and unzipped his trousers. 

"Oh God, I can't say no to that" Remus said and kissed him fiercely, a drop of blood and his nails already digging in his back. 

.....

Sirius walked to the party wearing ripped black jeans, a black shirt, a black leather jacket, his nails were black polished, his gray eyes were brighter than usual, his curly long black hair was held high in a bun, he was smoking and trying to find his friends in the crowd

The marauders were popular, all the generation used to know them, even Slytherins had respect for them. So it was expected that they were the heart and soul of their graduation part.

Remus was wearing his Gryffindor robes, cause he couldn't afford a nice outfit apart from his school uniform. James was dancing with Lily who was wearing a red short dress, James was wearing a white long sleeved shirt and a blue tie. Peter was somewhere lost with his girlfriend. Remus stood alone watching one of his best friends be completely lost in love.

He smiled and took a sip to his beer. He spotted Sirius right at the moment he entered the room, he was always sexy and reckless, but tonight, he was perfect.

He knew the man, he knew him pretty well, even if they hadn't had sex yet - cause he was so fucking afraid- he had seen him naked countless times. He had seen him naked in a bun, and he had thought it was the sexiest he could get. But he was wrong.

This was the sexiest. He looked like a fucking rock star, he saw how he encountered James first and hugged him tight , he received a beer from Lily and started talking with them.

Remus was debating whether to go there or wait for his boyfriend right at where he was.

Until he heard two girls just behind him.

_"Oh fuck, that's Sirius Black right?" it was a girl's voice, he turned to see but he didn't know her._

_"Oh Lord, he's fucking hot"_

_"I know, and I've heard he's good too"_

_"like in bed?"_

_"Yes, and I've seen him doing wandless magic, beautifully"_

_"And he's a pure blood right?"_

_"Yes, and wealthy enough. It's the perfect man"_

_"He's got a girl already?"_

_"No, heard he's gay. Actually I heard he used to be messing around with one Hufflepuff bloke, the one with blue eyes, freckles and brunette, don't know if they're actually dating.. at first I thought he and James werte a thing, but then Evans came into the picture..."_

_"Oh, I thought that too, the Hufflepuff bloke, I've seen him, he's cute too. I wouldn't mind polyjuice potion to spend a night with Sirius"_

Remus felt sick and walked away, he started to walk between the crowd trying to exit the party.

It was like putting dry wood to this raging fire of insecurities. He knew Sirius was too fucking handsome and charismatic and everything. He knew any girl and guy will devour him if they had the chance. He knew -even when Sirius had sworn he never had- Sirius had fucked Theodore, he knew he had had and it turned him mad. And he also damn well knew that bloke -and bloody James- were way more handsome than he ever could be.

"Hey, Moony, where are you going?" Sirius held him by his shirt interrupting his thoughts, gray eyes and soft lips, oh fuck, he was sexy

He saw how many girls and blokes were looking at him.

Oh God, so many people desiring the man that he had. It made him feel weak, insecure, what did Sirius see on him? but he also felt extremely lucky to look at the black ring proudly wore at his finger.

He now loved himself enough to allow himself to be happy. Yes Remus, you won the fucking lottery with this man. Now show the world you did.

He didn't know if it was the beers or the fact that one of his favorite songs was playing, he kissed Sirius on the lips.

They had never been this public about their relationship before.

Sirius kissed him back holding him by the waist. Remus could listen many "ohs!" and "merlin" behind them.

Sirius chuckled.

"You all right babe? Seems you're a bit exalted" He asked still holding him, both noses touching.

"Of course I am losing my mind, you look stupidly good. So fucking hot" and Sirius laughed again at his words.

"How many beers have you had?"

"Just a couple"

Sirius smiled and kissed his nose.

"Come on Moony, let's go where James and Lily are"

"no"

"No?"

"I want you"

Sirius frowned a bit, he couldn't quite understand.

"You've got me. I'm your boyfriend"

Remus blushed fiercely but remained brave.

"I want you to take me out of here"

Sirius looked at him still doubting and Remus rolled his eyes annoyed, he reached for Sirius ear and whispered loudly.

"I want you to fuck me"

Which was more than enough to light Sirius on fire. 'Cause yes, they've had a wide variety of sexual encounters, but they had never actually done it. Remus was always too shy or afraid, and Sirius didn't even suggested it or pushed it. So Remus asking for it was all it took for Sirius blood to boil.

"Oh Moony"

"If you still want to, of course"

Sirius kissed him deep and held him tight on a hug, in a second they dissapareated and apparated on a small cabin in front of the sea. Remus felt dizzy and nauseous.

"First time?" he said chuckling

"You git"

He then opened again his eyes feeling better, he saw the cabin and the stars in the sky, the ocean beneath the cliff.

"Oh my God, It's so beautiful"

"You like it? It's the cabin I told you about."

"Oh God, you bought this place? "

"Yeah, actually I started off renting it since we started dating, hoping to bring you here before and... " he didn't finish the sentence, but winked at him and Remus understood, he blushed but laughed hard.

"Turns out I'm not as easy as I look like"

"Well, it's not like if Hogwarts's not full of your cum, you practically came in every classroom"

Remus let out a loud laugh, his cheeks a slight permanent tone of pink.

"We came"

Sirius smiled. They both walked into the small cabin, far too warm for being in such a cold weather.

"I love it" Remus kept saying while walking around it. His heart was too damn loud on his chest, he was going to live with Sirius, he could picture him every morning on a bun trying to make some tea, he could picture a Christmas tree on the living room and h e would never admit it, but he could picture a toddler learning to walk just inside the small studio.

He had never felt happier in his life.

"Beer??" Sirius asked and Remus nodded, he took the beer and took a long sip. Remus was feeling extremely nervous when he realized why they were here, he knew if he thought too much about it he was going to back up, be a coward and run, as he always did. So he tried to distract himself from it.

"Ocean or Mountains?" Remus asked sitting on the bed, a complete glass wall, it let the light from the stars to light up the room, the ocean reflecting silver strings, the dense forest behind it all.

"Ocean. I've always loved the strength and wild freedom it has. You? " Sirius said naturally and took off his boots, walking in black socks to the bed. Remus started sweating.

"Forest. Makes me feel warm" he said stuttering.

"Moon or stars?" Sirius asked softly sitting next to him.

"Stars" Remus said right away and smiled warmly. He had a stupid resentment with the moon.

"Just because my name is Sirius right?"

"Of course"

They both chuckled.

"Hogwarts professor or Minister employee? " Sirius asked.

"Hogwarts of course"

"Really? You'd be the hottest professor ever"

"Not as hot as Dumbledore though"

Sirius completely blushed at Remus's words. They both laughed, Sirius unable to stop blushing.

"Fuck, stop reminding me that"

"It was priceless."

"But he was so bloody hot"

Remus laughed and nodded.

"He was"

Sirius took his leather jacket off, his muscles, his pale skin, his perfect body with no sign of time or scars . Remus let out a miserable sigh.

"Fuck you Pads. You're so perfect, I feel so repulsive every time I see you"

Sirius gave him a broken smile

"Will you still love me when I don't look like this?"

Remus smiled and hugged him tight.

"You'll always be fucking perfect to me" Remus said honestly and Sirius kissed him softly.

"That's what I feel about you" he said and the kiss quickly turned to a more heated one, anxious desperate fingers on his clothes.  
  
Remus laid on the bed with Sirius on top, he felt hungry kisses dancing through his neck, he let Sirius unbutton his shirt, he saw how Sirius noticed all the scars on his chest and started kissing them devoted. He felt the urgent need to cry. Too many emotions.

"Moony, you're gorgeous"

Remus smiled and kissed him back, removing his t shirt just to let his perfect body visible. He bit his lip way too hungrily.

He felt how Sirius kept kissing his chest until he reached his trousers line, he slowly started unbuttoning and removing them, Remus usually stopped it all at this point.

This time he didn't.

Sirius took off his boxers leaving him completely naked.

He was full of scars, old ones, new ones. Bite marks, bruises, he looked as if he had been recently attacked by way too many people. He closed his eyes embarrassed.

He held him feeling a wild turn at his stomach, if only he could stop all those wounds.

"Moony, I truly, deeply, love you"

Remus for the first time felt Sirius vulnerable, as if he was afraid of saying those words, for the first time he understood Sirius was also afraid of feeling so much, he sat in the bed, opened his eyes and kissed him softly

"And I love you too Pads. Always. "

Sirius smiled resting his forehead on Remus's, he continued pressing soft and hungry kisses and bites on his body, leaving red and purple marks in his neck and legs, he started sucking his cock, deep and warm, until Remus was lost in moans, his closed eyes, his arched back and loud heartbeats. Light trembling limbs.

Then Sirius led one finger into Remus body, so tight and warm.

Remus gasped for air, he felt close to his own orgasm. He covered his face trying to hide his blush.

"We can stop if you're not ready"

"No, I am ready " *_I just want to last_* he thought miserably.

"You sure?"

"I want it to be you, I want it to be right here"

Sirius smiled and kissed his forehead, another finger inside him, he let out a growl when he felt Remus's tight body adjusting so fast to him, it was as if his body was extremely desperate for him. It made him feel so close to his own orgasm.

"Just so you know. I've never had sex with anyone I've loved. So I'm extremely nervous and if this is disappointing I swear I can keep trying until it's not"

Remus laughed and bit his neck gently.

"Keep on, before I turn you into a werewolf."

And Sirius had never thought about it.

"Oh fuck" he turned wild at his words.

Remus chuckled against his skin until a third finger slid and they began to open inside him, he was so desperate he started moving his body against Sirius hand, fucking himself into the fingers. That small unplanned action made Sirius lose his shit.

He took his fingers out and took his swallowed thick cock, he pressed the head in his hole and Remus dug his nails in his back. It was painful.

"Shhhhh, we'll take it slow" Sirius said with his heart wild because he was so fucking close already, but he couldn't just push himself inside Remus who was incredibly tense and with bright green terrified eyes.

"It hurts" he said in a whisper and Sirius kissed him softly.

"You want me to stop?" Sirius asked begging the answer was no.

"No"

_Thank God._

He kissed him again, trying to make him even more horny, and it worked, his muscles started to relax and Sirius pushed himself deeper, he felt a burning scratch in his back and Remus body was shaking already.

"Oh Pads " he mumbled with heavy heart and his cock already leaking.

"Hold it a little longer" he said softly and began thrusting him, every time hitting the small spot inside him, it was driving him mad, he needed his cock to rub it, to push inside him even further.

"Deeper" he asked lustful and Sirius smiled between his own moans.

"It's your first time. You'll be sore in the morning"

"I don't fucking care"

Sirius smiled, his green eyes losing every shade of fear.

He pushed himself further and Remus let out a growl. He lifted his hips so that Sirius cock could be even deeper, but he was desperate, he wanted more. And Sirius could notice.

"Moony, I'm about to suggest something irresponsible" he said exalted with his pale skin already way too scratched and bruised.

"Whats that?" he asked.

Sirius turned in the bed carrying Remus without taking his cock out, Remus was now sitting in Sirius's cock, he understood the difference right away. He could feel him deeper, a sharp ache but a way too wild pleasure wave.

"OH fuck!" he gasped and Sirius moved his hips to fuck him deeper.

Remus let out his first scream. Sirius smiled wide.

"We need to take it slow" he said but Remus didn't listen to him, he didn't care. He moved his hips up and down and then began to catch a rhythm. He lost it. He fucked himself to Sirius cock so wildly Sirius didn't realize he was digging his nails on Remus's hips, thrusting him faster.

It had been two long years of waiting and so much desire, they both lost it. Remus threw his head back thrusting himself into Sirius, his own hand on his swallowed cock trying to stop himself from coming so many times, until one big wave of pleasure and dizziness hit him and he let go of his own cock and came into a loud intense orgasm. Thick warm cum, a complete blur, heavy heart and full pleasure. Sirius came right after pushing his cock deeper into Remus body, filling him with cum, by the time Sirius started to regain his senses he noticed Remus was still shaking, still extremely sensible. Sirius smiled wide. It had been the longest orgasm he had seen on a man, and he wondered if maybe being a werewolf would have something to do with it.

After longer than two minutes, Remus stopped and rested his forehead on Sirius chest, sweating and still trembling.

"You all right Moony?"

Remus just nodded unable to say a word, he tried to free Sirius cock from his body. But he couldn't. It was so tight, and it was painful to move, suddenly his eyes were full of terror.

Sirius kissed him and hugged him, trying to stop him from moving.

"It's fine Moony, it's fine. Don't be afraid"

"Wh... What's happening?" he asked terrified and Sirius kissed his nose.

"I think it might be a werewolf matter. You know some... Species get knotted for a while"

Remus blushed so much, he was so embarrassed his skin began to burn. Sirius smiled sweetly.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know it could happen, Oh my God, I'm sorry, this is so..."

"Sweet. It's sweet" Sirius said softly and turned around without pulling himself out of Remus.

"It's not sweet Sirius. Oh my God, it's like having sex with an animal, so fucking sick" he said suddenly too close to tears.

"No, it's not. Calm down Moony, I did some research. It's perfectly normal the first times, or some specific nights of the cycle, and it's just a couple of minutes. It's fine"

"How can you not be bothered or disgusted by this?" he asked unable to look him in the eye.

"There's nothing to be disgusted about it. And it's incredibly convenient to still be close to you" he said and held him tighter, he felt a soft chuckle and few tears in his chest.

"You're amazing, you know that right?"

"Not as amazing as you are. Was that really your first time? You're a sex god "

Remus laughed, his body starting to lose a little.

"It was my first time. I lost it, it's far too good... Far too perfect. Why did I wait so long? It's fucking glorious"

Sirius laughed and kissed him in a tender innocent way.

"I'm always here for you to fuck me" Sirius said and he slowly tried to slid his cock out of his body, this time Remus's body freed his cock, both men moaned. "See? Nothing to worry about"

Remus smiled, Sirius had always been a gentleman with his fury little problem. He kissed his hair.

"I think I'll be addicted to sex Pads"

Sirius chuckled

"Oh Moony, how can you be so perfect?"

Remus smiled and tried to turn to grab his beer, his back aching so much he let out a gasp.

"What the fuck!?"

Sirius laughed and took Remus's beer from the night desk, he gave it to him.

"I told you it was irresponsible. Rough sex in your first time was irresponsible, but I couldn't stop myself. You're too damn beautiful"

Remus looked at him confused.

"What does that mean?"

Sirius smiled.

"It means you won't be able to walk normally, it'll take your body a couple of days. I'm sorry"

Remus let out a loud hysterical laugh.

"You git" he simply said and Sirius smiled, he hugged him tightly pressing his chest to Remus's back, he mumbled a soft - I love you- and with the thick forest and the deep ocean at the back of his body, he fell asleep.

....


	7. Harry

"What about dark gray?" Sirius stood in front of their living room wall, a bucket of paint in front of him, Remus was writing on his typewriter at the kitchen table, he looked up from his work and bit his lip.

"I think that might be just what we we're missing to make this look like a rock bar" Remus said and sipped down his coffee.

They had a black kitchen, concrete floor, black minimalistic furniture, and Sirius wanted another wall to be dark.

"We had a deal Moony, I design public spaces, you design private ones"

Remus smiled, he hadn't noticed but his smile had changed a lot since they graduated Hogwarts.

He had never been happier in his life. Sirius was hitting his third year as an auror in the Ministry, he used to make around 50 thousand galleons a year, which had been more than enough for their lifestyle. Remus had managed to get a job as a proofreading and style editor writer, he used to make like 20 thousand a year, and loved to buy the groceries, he had never felt more capable and happy in his life.

Sirius had contacted him with the department of law enforcement at the Ministry, and they considered hiring him as a freelancer. He didn't mind. He knew no one will ever give him medical insurance. Well, no one except Sirius.

"Then dark gray works just fine" he said and started typing. Sirius had his hair held tight on a ponytail and was painting the wall. A soft blues playing on the background.

As soon as Remus finished he closed the machine, poured himself a glass of wine and walked to the living room. He sat with his eyes fixed on Sirius.

"I found your draft for James wedding"

"My best man speech? It sucks, right?"

"No, I think is quite good, just needed some structure"

"So you gave it some?"

"Hope you don't mind"

"No, of course not. Can I read it?"

"Later, I'm admiring the view" Remus said with a wide smile and Sirius bit his lip.

"Oh, are you? What about painting the other half huh?"

"I'd like to, but I can't. The view is far too good."

Sirius rolled his eyes and started undressing. First his shirt, then he unzipped his trousers and gave Remus a dense hot look.

"Is it better?"

"Lord Pads" Remus said a bit aroused by it. His cock started to swell in his trousers.

"What about this?" and he let his hair free, Remus bit his lip. Gorgeous long black hair in such messy curls.

He couldn't resist any longer and he jumped at him.

Sirius had a fascination for Remus, Remus had always been afraid that maybe with the passing years, Sirius would lose interest. But he hadn't. His gray eyes fixed on his naked back, his hand softly drawing invisible lines on his skin.

"You know, you never actually let me try" he said unexpectedly and Remus looked at him intrigued. His messy straight light brown hair and his soft green eyes.

"Try what?"

"You, fucking me" he said still vibrant and Remus blushed but shook his head inmediatly.

"I can't control myself. And I don't want to hurt you Pads. We've talked about this, countless of times"

"I know but, I did the research, many werewolves were able to"

"Yes, and many more ripped their partners, killed them, or worse, turned them"

Sirius chuckled.

"You need to sort out those priorities"

"They are sorted out. There's nothing worse than this" he said pointing to himself and Sirius let out an angry sigh.

"Thought we had moved on from that"

Remus gave him a soft smile. And kissed his pale naked leg.

"Do you remember that time at the lake, one night before the full moon?"

"When you were mad about James?"

"Yes"

"I do"

"I was not nice to you. I was... Different. I don't like it"

"But I love different Moony, I feel as if you could push me to a table and fuck the sake out of me"

"That's exactly what I hate Sirius"

"But we've had rough sex, and you like it"

Remus chuckled bitterly.

"You're human Pads, you bruise me for a couple of days. I'm a werewolf, I can break your neck in a blink of an eye"

"Just one try"

"No Pads. I won't do it"

Sirius rolled his eyes and took a cigarrate from his night desk, he walked to the window and sat at the corner, naked, wild and beautiful. He lit the cigarrate, his gray eyes lost on London.

"You mad?" Remus asked shyly and Sirius chuckled.

"Even if I tried. I can't be mad at you" he simply said and Remus smiled wide.

Their bathroom and bedroom was a contrast. White, clear, well illuminated, tidy, with a lot of light wood and thick white blankets.

"I was wondering, maybe James and Lily could stay with us on the cabin, for Christmas"

Sirius turned to see him and nodded.

"That'll be lovely Moony. Thought you wanted us to spend it with your parents"

Cause yes, of course Remus parents were good people. They had accepted Sirius and kind of adopted him since the beginning. They were truly grateful their son had found someone with such a pure heart, able to see beyond his defects or flaws.

"I know, I did. Is just, you guys just lost your parents, and Lily's sister... You know how she is"

"I know" he said still broken, he missed his adoptive parents. He missed them badly.

"I understand they'd be newly weds and maybe they want to spend the day just the two of them, but we could... Ask?"

"We could, I think it's a fantastic idea babe" he said and lit up another cigarrate, his eyes fixed on the city, Remus smiled to himself and in less that five minutes fell in deep sleep.

.....

Remus was carrying a wine bottle and a chocolate box, Sirius knocked at the door still talking cheerfully about Moody and his not so ethical tactics.

James opened with a huge smile, Sirius hugged him inmediatly, Remus hugged him shyly. They walked inside. It was their house ignaguration and they were the only guests, because they were in the middle of a war and you just can't tell everyone where to find you.

James was excited talking about the big backyard, the room he'd like to turn into a nursery someday, Sirius following him around with vivid joy and excitement on his eyes. Remus was at the kitchen helping Lily set the table.

"Hey Moony, I think you're going to enjoy something" she said with a big smile and Remus curved his lips on a thin smile. Lily was beautiful, great big green eyes and long red hair. She was smiling devilishly and Remus bit his lip genuily intrigued.

She simply pointed at the wall were a muggle phone was resting peacefully. It took him a while but when he understood his eyes lit on fire.

"Oh my God"

"I know right!"

He chuckled and nodded.

"You're truly a marauder yourself"

"I had to learn something from you guys, and it definitely wasn't Potions"

He chuckled.

When they heard Sirius and James voice close, they walked to the living room hiding behind the big sofa.

"Where's Moony?"

"Maybe Lily's showing him around"

"Yeah, fancy some wine?" Sirius asked and took a glass.

"Yup"

He was pouring two glasses when Lily dialed behind the sofa.

The phone began to ring loud and clear.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?" Sirius yelled terrified and Remus couldn't resist his laughter, he had to cover his own mouth and suffocate himself to keep silence.

"How am I supposed to know!?" James said scared pointing the phone with his wand.

"It's in your bloody house!!"

"Well , it's not just my house. This must be Lily's"

The phone kept ringing.

"And what is it telling? What does this means? Is it bad? How do we make it stop!?" Sirius was beyond scared, he was close to a panic attack.

"We could use a silencing charm"

"That doesn't mean it's over you idiot"

"Then bring an idea to the table you wanker!"

Sirius sighed frustrated.

"It's driving me nuts, where's Moony?!"

"He won't save you from this"

"He's been raised by a muggle, he knows this shit"

Remus was laughing his ass off next to Lily who was at the edge of tears, he smiled at her "I know what to do" he whispered between chuckles and stood up, walked shyly to both of them.

"What did you do?!" Remus asked pretending to be scared, he could never forget James terrified eyes and Sirius pale cheeks.

"NOTHING!"

"You must have done something. This is a lie detector. Won't stop until one of you finally says the truth"

"Which truth?" James asked starting to lose his patience with the loud beeping sound behind him.

"I don't know, which lies have you guys said recently?" Remus asked extremely entertained.

"Well, I told Lily I liked the red dress she bought for New Years Eve, but I actually don't like it"

Lily felt offended and dialed again. The phone ringing loudly.

"No. Wasn't that, you pads?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and saw him incredibly nervous, his gray eyes full of terror.

"I.... I, I'm sorry, it was me, I scared the neighbor and pushed him to move out of the building. I couldn't stand him being so close to you" he said embarrassed and a bit broken and Remus eyes fell wide open.

"You git . He was a nice bloke!"

"He wanted to fuck you so badly, I couldn't stand it. It... It made me lose it"

Remus was half mad, half touched by Sirius jealousness.

"Oh I know, I lied to you Pads when I told you I never caught you two having sex, I actually did, twice, and we kept staring. I'm so, so sorry!"

Remus was completely red, Sirius had such an entrateined grin on his face.

"oh fuck Prongs! When? Where?... Hold on, We?"

"Lily and me... I'm sorry. One was just a blowjob at Hogwarts and the last one was a few weeks ago"

"What the hell!? Lily!?" Remus said completely red and she laughed so hard the three of them turned to see her sitting next to the couch.

"Oh my God Remus! I'M SORRY, It was just an accident, and you guys were so... Oh my God, it was refreshing"

"Oh my God!" Remus covered his face with both hands and James suddenly clapped in excitement.

"The lie detector! It stopped."

"Thank Merlin. I didn't know muggle had those! It's so cool"

Lily laughed again, Remus chuckled still unable to look at James or Lily with one heavy though in his head: They both had seen his scrawny scared naked body being fucked by Sirius. It was surreal.

"It's a godamn phone, we were pranking you guys" Remus said and both of them turned completely lost in confusion. Lily sighed still laughing.

"Look honey, I take this with me, and come over here" She said showing him a black phone, she dragged him to the living room "And I dial" she said and pressed some numbers and the phone started ringing again.

"And come here Pads, we take the phone and press it to your ear" he said and moved it closely to Sirius ear.

He heard Lily's voice.

"Oh MERLIN!"

James jumped when he heard Sirius voice through the phone at the living room.

"This is amazing"

"James is that you?"

"Yes! I'm at the living room with Lily"

"OH wow... I'm at the kitchen with Remus"

"This is wicked"

"We need one!" Sirius said enthusiastically to Remus and he just nodded completely touched by it.

"Pure bloods" he said between chuckles and hung the phone.

....

Sirius was sitting at their bed on their London flat, Remus had been out with his mother and Sirius usually wasn't home this early in the afternoon, but he was there. Remus walked slowly into their bedroom. Sirius had a dense smoke cloud around him, a lit thin cigarette on his shaking fingers.

This didn't look good.

Remus walked to the side he was sitting until he faced him, Sirius eyes were red and puffy, he had smoked half the box and was silently sobbing. Lost in thought.

"What happened?" Remus asked with broken voice and knelt before him.

"Walburga is dead"

He didn't say mother, he tried his best not to show any emotion, but Remus knew it must've hurt badly. Even though his mother was who she was.

He placed a soft kiss on his hand.

"I'm so sorry my love." he said sweetly and Sirius gave him a soft smile, he lent and kissed his lips shyly.

"Oh, I'm sorry I must taste pretty bad" he said right after and Remus shook his head kissing him back.

"smoke, wood and wet dog. The usual" he joked and succeeded on making him chuckle, he then sat next to him, Sirius immediately took him on a hug.

"I don't even know why it got me. She hated me."

"But you're better than she was. That's why it hurts. She was your mother after all" Remus said softly and Sirius sobbed loudly.

"Is just, after Regulus... I thought maybe, she would you know, give it a try. And I thought maybe, I'd go and visit her, someday. But I was too fucking afraid and disgusted to be back at that place. And I never went. And now she's gone. Forever gone."

Remus held him tighter, soft kisses on his messy hair.

" I'm sorry Pads. You were a good son, you don't have nothing to regret darling"

"I was never good enough for her. I tried to torture myself and think of all the times I had with her. But is just... Empty. No goodnight kiss, no kind word, no hugs. Nothing. Just hate, spite, and that cold crucio was our farewell"

Remus kissed his lips.

"She taught you transfiguration first, and she used to admit you were brilliant at it"

Sirius chuckled nostalgic. He didn't remember that.

"Yes, she did. Once."

"It'll hurt less darling. Give it time"

"I know. I just, fuck. I wish she'd met me. I wish she'd understood people are worth for their actions and heart, not their blood status or file. She died without knowing real love, it hurts me"

Remus stood quietly, still holding him close to his chest.

"And Regulus... He wanted to be good, he wanted to be... Like me. But didn't want her to hate him, so he didn't. He became a death eater, and Voldemort murdered him. For no fucking reason... I just, fuck! I didn't find out about her death because of Kreacher or anyone in the Black family. I found out because they owled me from the Ministry. Regulus had a will, but had forbidden everyone to open it, it shouldn't be opened until my mother died. And now they've opened it and Regulus left everything to me. That awful house, all her stuff, their Gringotts vault which I bet is full of dark magic artifacts... And why would he leave everything to me!? Why the fuck did he have a will at 20 years old!? It doesn't make any sense"

Remus swallowed hard finally understanding why Sirius was so fucking nervous. He had to go back to Grimauld, he had to go back to the painful memory of his childhood, he had to go back to Regulus stuff and he had to discover what secrets were they keeping at Gringotts. And he was fucking terrified and disgusted by it.

"Hey, Pads, you don't have to do it now. You can wait. Until you're ready"

"It could be years"

Remus smiled and kissed him soft and sweet.

"So be it."

Sirius gray eyes softened and he rested his forehead on Remus's. A shy broken smile.

"Thanks Moony"

"I love you Sirius"

\------

It was late in the night and Sirius wasn't back. Remus kept walking in circles with his tea cup on his trembling hands. His black ring on his finger, he picked up the phone and dialed James and Lily's house again, he heard Lily's voice.

"Hello?"

"Lily, it's me, again. Haven't you heard anything about him? Isn't he there?"

"No, he's isn't here. But actually James's on the other phone he's trying to investigate if something happened, he's extremely anxious... I've never seen him like this before"

"Yeah, imagine how am I" He said a bit rude 

Lily swallowed and nodded

"I know. But he's fine, maybe just some extra work, he'll be back to you Rem"

Remus bit his lip.

"He has to" _we are still missing like 50 more years together_

"James darling, you know anything about Sirius yet?" he heard Lily's voice and waited in silence.

"The ministry's under attack. He's taken it" he heard in a low whisper James voice, it was low and cold, and by -_He_\- Remus knew he was talking about Voldemort.

He felt how his vision got blurry, and his blood fell to his feet. He suddenly felt extremely cold and heartbroken.

"Remus on the phone" she whispered and James let out a sigh.

"Moones?" he heard James voice.

"Tell me it ain't as bad as it sounds" Remus said in a cold dead voice.

"I don't know yet Moones. The Ministry's under attack, Voldemort took it. Alice says the aurors were the first defense line"

Remus couldn't stop himself and let out a loud sob, he fell to the floor holding the phone tightly.

"He's far too good. He has to be alive" James said shaken up. Remus bit his lip until he tasted blood.

He has to.

"Then why isn't he home?" Remus asked already crying and James felt heartbroken.

"We'll be there in a few minutes Moones"

"Don't. It's dangerous"

"It doesn't matter Remus. You're our friend, and we're family" he heard Lily's voice and couldn't do anything but nod.

They were at his living room in a couple of minutes. James hugged him tight. He was also crying.

Lily forced them to sit at the living room and made some tea while making phone calls.

No one knew anything.

No one that knew picked up.

They spent the next half hour between sons, coldness and a murderous silence. Remus was crying but did his best to remain calm, his hands holding tightly to the black ring he always wore.

Then they heard the door open, and both stood hurriedly, Lily who was far more clever took out her wand.

But It was Sirius.

And he was bleeding. Way too much.

Remus ran to him and hugged him tightly, kissed his lips and then started analyzing him.

"I'm sorry Moony, couldn't get here before" he said when he noticed Remus eyes red and his puffy face from crying.

"It's fine. You're here now " he said and saw a deep wide open wound on his left arm, he saw his burnt coat and a part of his chest had a burning mark, he saw his eyes full of terror but still lit with braveness and he started healing him. Took out his wand, some vials and started undressing him.

The only look of the wounds made him ache.

"You were far too brave Pads" James said doing his best effort not to push Remus aside and hug his best friend, Sirius smiled, far too weak but grateful to see him once again.

"Thanks for coming with Moony"

"We would never leave him Pads"

Sirius just smiled and nodded. He closed his eyes at the sudden burning of his arm.

"It's going to hurt love" Remus said and Sirius just nodded.

And hell it did.

After one full hour of committed cleaning of wounds and curing what could be cured, Sirius was holding a white blanket wearing his blue pj's on the living room couch, laying on Remus's chest. He was covered in bandages, eating a piece of chocolate after that disgusting healing potion Lily had forced him to take.

Lily and James sitting next to them.

"He's taken the Ministry. He separated pure bloods from everyone else. He talked to me, personally " Sirius said, his voice firm but sounded a bit shaken in fear. Remus held his hand and kissed his cheek trying to give him strength.

It worked.

"He told me he's seen me dueling told me Reg was as good as me. Said he wanted to collect me. He said it's for a good cause, and that it'll be easier to catch muggleborns and half bloods, instead of dark wizards. He offered me my life, my job, and Remus security if I said yes"

"Bastard" James cursed and Sirius nodded.

"I said I'd rather die than become someone like him"

Remus breath was uneasy.

"And?" Lily was expectant.

"He didn't want to kill me. If he had wanted that he would have. Easily. He's far too good for any of us"

Remus felt like dying at his words.

"So why didn't he?"

"He says he wants me. They're a few pure blood families left. My brother used to be with him, so I guess my last name saved me"

"You don't look quite safe" James said looking at all his bandages, bruises and blood.

"Oh, we dueled. He disarmed me. I took a _crucio_ with my arm"

"Fuck Pads, never EVER do that! Disparate if you must, but never take a fucking curse without a wand!" Remus shouting at Sirius wasn't new at all, but the desperation and anxiety on his voice, was.

So Sirius had been wandless in front of the darkest most powerful wizard of all times.

And he hadn't run.

"Easy there, I'm sure you didn't think it through" James tried to excuse him.

"I wanted to know if I could, thought I'd be dead anyway"

"Oh bloody idiot!" Remus half died of a heart attack at his answer. James couldn't stop his grin.

"And you could? Did it hit you completely?"

"Blimey James, don't encourage him it was the stupidest decision ever. Taking an unforgivable curse is the most painful thing you can do, even through wands its said to be unbearable. Havent you read anything at all!?" Lily said pissed

Remus face palmed himself in frustration. Way too angry at Sirius, you could notice his green eyes starting to turn amber.

" It was weird. Of course my body took it, but my mind was safe. I don't know how it happened. When Walburga hit me I lost my mind, it was different this time. He looked rather impressed too"

"So you just showed him you're talented and at his eyes, worthy. He'll never leave you until he gets you" Remus said coldly and Sirius bit his lip, he hadn't even thought about it that way.

"Oh, damn. I'm sorry" he said and let out a sob.

Remus was raving mad but also extremely grateful he was back, so he just hugged him careful of not hurting him and kissed him in such a dominant way it made James to take a step back from Sirius.

"It's okay, we'll figure it out. I love you" he said possessive and held him tight. After some minutes Sirius was fast asleep on his chest. James and Lily were talking at the kitchen.

Remus stood carrying Sirius on his arms.

"Stay the night, we don't have a guest room like you do, but we have a nice living room."

" It's fine Moony, go get some sleep we know our way around. "

And they knew.

They knew their London Apartment and their Birling Gap cabin way too well.

Just as well as Remus and Sirius knew their Godrics Hollow house.

....

After the attack Remus had been extremely more clingy to Sirius. They had taken all the precautions they could, they only traveled by apparition, no more bikes rides or walks around London. They casted a hundred protection spells, and every time Remus went to the market, or even to the street to pick the newspaper, Padfoot came with him.

It had worked so far.

Soon their fear and paranoia had been replaced by a warm intoxicating feeling.

James was going to be a dad.

When Sirius had decided at 18 years old to marry Remus, he knew it didn't include kids and pregnancies, and he was fine by it, he liked kids of course, but he liked Remus better.

Remus on the other side loved babies, they were so pure and beautiful, he loved the illusion of meeting a part of himself and Sirius. But he never said anything about it to anyone.

"We'll be late Moony, come on"

They were at James and Lily's place, it was raining and Lily's water had broken a few hours ago.

"If we don't bring what Lily asked for, she'll murder us"

"Why didn't it Prongs prepare the bag before?"

"Don't you dare ask that in front of Lily. He forgot"

Sirius let out a laugh and kept on folding baby's clothes.

"I think that'll be all" he said and closed the bag, he caught a glimpse of Sirius looking at the empty crib.

"You all right?"

"Oh yes, I just. Excited. There's a new marauder."

"Speaking of which, Peter will be here until tomorrow, he called. He says he's busy."

"He's been rather busy lately"

"Maybe it's uncomfortable for him. Two couples and himself" Remus offered and Sirius smiled and nodded.

"Maybe he is" he said and grabbed the bag, Remus took his hand and they both dissaparated and aparatted in front of the St. Mungos Hospital.

They walked in. They reached for the room and knocked at the door, the door opened and just when Sirius was about to say - yell- a loud "Hey!" James silenced him.

He was holding a beautiful baby covered in a blue blanket, he was pinkish and still swallowed, fast asleep on his daddy's arms. Sirius felt his heart racing.

"He's gorgeous" he whispered and laid closer to see him, Remus gave James a warm smile.

"Congratulations Daddy. You'll be amazing"

James smiled with his glassy eyes and all his emotions risen. He couldn't stop looking at this tiny human being, so little, so small, so fragile. He had just met him and he could die for him. Such a powerful bond. Love was stronger than anything in the world.

Remus walked to the bed where Lily was asleep. He smiled to her and placed the bag next to the night desk.

"She looks tired"

"Oh, she is. It was painful and longer than expected" James said and Remus smiled.

"Always so brave"

James nodded.

"May I?" Sirius said a bit too excited and James smiled, his friend was wearing a black coat, an Aerosmith shirt and his black nails, all his hair was up in a bun. James smiled.

He carefully handed the tiny baby to his best friend, the man he considered his brother. Sirius had never felt such an innocent warmth in his soul before. He kissed little baby's forehead and smiled to his sleeping face.

"You're amazing Harry" Sirius whispered and Remus felt his heart skip a beat.

The only picture of Sirius, wearing black, his long hair and rock star look, holding a little baby and being so soft about it. It made something in his soul want that.

"So Harry it is?" Remus asked James and he nodded.

"We think is strong but soft, and short, and of course simple. Less is more."

Remus smiled wide.

"Look at him Moony, it's beautiful" Sirius said and tried to hand him the baby but Remus looked at James a bit scared and took a step back.

"It's fine Moony. Nothing will happen" James said and Remus felt his throat tied, unable to say a word.

"But I'm a werewolf James, I, people don't typically hand babies to werewolves" he said a bit ashamed and broken, and Sirius bit his tongue, cause of course he wanted to tell him there was nothing wrong with it, but it wasn't his baby. He couldn't make that choice.

"Remus Lupin. Harry is what I love the most in my life, he's tiny, fragile and completely vulnerable and dependent"

"I understand, don't worry"

"Let me finish Rem. He's all that, and if something ever happens to me, I wouldn't want anyone to raise him, but you and Padfoot"

Remus looked at him a bit shaken, his heart racing, few tears starting to slide from the corner of his eyes.

Sirius smiled wide. Oh Lord, he loved James.

He handed Harry to Remus, who took it with extreme caution, he smiled brightly at him and felt the same intoxicating warmth Sirius had felt before.

And the only picture of Remus holding a baby made Sirius shiver.

"He looks just like you Prongs" Remus whispered.

"Yes, he's beautiful"

Sirius let out a laugh.

They took turns for rocking little Harry to sleep, the baby slept peacefully and was taken by the nurse after a couple of hours. Then the three of them sat at the couch and started joking about adult life and how they were old now.

"Honey?" Lily's voice was heard and the three of them walked to the bed.

"Oh, you're here"

"They came a few hours ago, but didn't want to wake you"

"Thanks, so you've met him?"

"He's amazing Lily"

"Oh thanks, he's been way too quiet, I hope he's like that and isn't pranking us"

They let out a chuckle.

"They'll bring Harry again in about an hour"

"Oh, that's great, my mum's on her way"

"Yeah, she told me she'll be here in about 15 minutes."

Lily nodded.

"Why don't you guys go for a beer?"

"What? And leave you here? Never" Sirius said and Lily smiled bright.

"As soon as my parents are here you can take James for a beer and dinner. God knows when he'll be able to do that after we take little Harry home"

James shook his head.

"There's no need, we can celebrate in here"

"I insist. Go on, you have to eat, have fun. Cause I swear to you, you won't have any until Harry's about 6 months old"

And James believed her.

"OK, fine. Just a beer."

"It's fine. Celebrate your way, I think, I'll take another nap"

She said and turned and curled in the bed.

"Thanks by the way" she mumbled and fell fast asleep.

"She's really exhausted"

"Oh yes, the delivery was loud and sweaty" James said and they all waited for her mother. As soon as they arrived and had the small talk social standards demanded, they left.

They found a small quiet muggle restaurant down the street. Italian food. Sirius loved it, they ate and kept on chatting about how old they felt at 21 - Sirius was 22 - about the war, about Alice and Frank Longbottom who had just had a baby right at the same hospital, they talked a bit about the Weasleys and all their kids. About how she had just given birth to another boy, just 5 months ago.

They asked for a bottle of wine, because Remus didn't like beer, James and Sirius were drinking beer and the bottle was practically left only for Remus.

Who for the first time in his life, didn't pay any attention to the amount he was drinking. It was only about the end of the bottle that Sirius noticed.

"I've never felt such a responsibility in my life I mean, I can't fuck this up. His life depends on us. It's extremely weird and warm"

"Sounds stressful" Sirius said

"I'd love that kind of stress in our life" Remus said and both James and Sirius looked at him a bit impressed. Remus usually didn't make such straightforward comments.

"You drank it all?" Sirius asked entertained.

"Wasn't I supposed to?"

They both laughed.

"No, it's fine Moones" James said and Remus gave him a cute drunken smile.

"So you planning on more?" he asked and James smiled wide. He had never seen Remus drunk before, and this was far too amazing to miss.

"I'd like Harry to have a sister. But Lily has a thing with siblings"

"If I had her sister as my own I'd be troubled too" Sirius said and James nodded.

"You're so cute" Remus said with his gaze lost in Sirius and tried hard to untangle his tongue. Sirius was trying hard not to laugh. James chuckled.

"So you planning on kids?" James asked Remus and Sirius smiled entertained waiting for Remus's answer.

"Us? No, well we've never talked about it. But I'd love to"

And that was a surprise.

"Really?" Sirius asked even more intrigued by it.

"You guys could adopt, in some years of course" James said with a soft smile.

"No, I want his baby" Remus said really drunk pointing to Sirius, and he just laughed nervously.

"We'll see" Sirius said trying to change the subject, but Remus didn't understand and kept on talking.

"They'd be so cute like rebel daddy, Don't you think Prongs?"

James looked at him a bit confused.

"Yes, they'd be cute and dramatic"

Remus laughed but couldn't help to notice the spark James always had when he looked at Sirius. It used to drive him mad in jealousy when he was younger. Now he was used to it, but the alcohol kind of betrayed him at the moment.

"I kinda always wondered if you guys ever... You know, experimented? " he asked not really caring about his friends concerned but yet too entertained grins.

"What the fuck Moony? " Sirius said a bit alarmed and exalted. Blushing furiously. His crush for James was something he had never talked with anyone, not even James.

"Oh, I just thought it was possible. James's a curious git, and you love him far too much"

"As a brother" Sirius said with a knot in his throat, feeling suffocated and suddenly too fucking hot.

"We kissed once" James - who was also drunk- said and Sirius blushed so hard he had to cover his face with his hands. He had sworn to himself not to bring it up in his life, he had actually thought James didn't have any memories from that night. He felt trapped.

"I knew it wasn't normal the way you look at each other! When?" Remus said not angry, but with an intrigued far too curious look on his face.

"The day he came out to me as gay, fifth grade? Fourth grade? We were in the dormitories, far too drunk. And I didn't believe it at all, so he said - *_what the hell? You want me to kiss you or what?_ *- and I until this day don't understand why I said - *_I dare you_*-, and he did"

"Fourth grade, it was funny, you were so shocked and didn't move at all, you blushed so hard"

"Yeah, and then this fucker was like - *_That wasn't even good_*- so I kissed him back" James said laughing a bit blushed and Remus didn't think it was so funny any longer, but James was drunk and didn't notice it -or didn't care-. Sirius did.

"And that was far better" James said with a huge grin and raised an eyebrow flirting directly at Sirius. Remus's stare wasn't entertained nor joyful anymore.

"But we realized we don't match up..." He said trying to drop the subject, laughing nervously.

"Why's that?" Remus asked him now with light amber eyes and Sirius swallowed nervously.

"Because we grew up as brothers, it'd be weird. Also I don't fancy cocks, women are a whole other thing and I'm mad about it" James said honestly and Sirius couldn't hide a quick hurt glance in his eyes. Remus noticed it.

He remained silent the rest of the night, which was nothing weird at all. Except for the fact that he ordered another bottle of wine.

Sirius didn't stop him, he was sober and could take care of his boyfriend.


	8. This is a war

  
"I want a baby" Remus said with his tied tongue and clumsy steps, Sirius had his arm around his waist, trying to keep him together. His drunk boyfriend with a silly smile on his face.

"I'm sure you do" Sirius said a bit amused by it and opened the front door of their flat, they both walked in, Sirius locked the door and helped Remus into the bed, the taller one curled hugging a pillow, still babbling.

"I want your baby" He said and Sirius laughed. He couldn't deny how cute this scene was, he undressed Remus and himself and tucked him into the bed, throwing the big thick blanket over Remus. He then lied next to him.

He felt a soft kiss on the cheek and a devilish hand on his cock. He smiled.

"Make me a baby"

Sirius laughed and kissed his forehead sweetly.

"You're too drunk to get fucked Moony. Remember, only sober"

"Stupid rules, who made them? "

"We did. Well, you did, no sex in such a drunken state. Now go to sleep darling"

"I hate myself. Don't want to sleep"

"Don't hate yourself, you're lovely"

Sirius said and turned his back to the drunken man who inmediatly trapped him in a hug.

"I want a baby"

Sirius smiled. He was tired, next day they needed to go to the hospital as early as possible. But again, this Moony drunken phase was too good to miss.

"You want us to adopt?" he asked trying to learn more about what Remus truly felt. .

"No, I want your baby, inside me. I want you to look at me the way Prongs looks at Lily"

Sirius felt a cold shiver down his spine, he turned to face him, he knew Remus was going to be way too hangover to remember this, so he tried to get the truth out of his messy mind now that the could.

"But we are men. We can't"

"We're wizards... We could"

Sirius didn't answer, he was trying to find the right words when Remus suddenly said

"I always knew there was something between you and James"

"Moony, there's nothing between me and James"

"You kissed him "

"About 8 years ago in a drunken night. It didn't mean anything"

"But it did. I notice the way you look at him, full of admiration and love, and his eyes spark every time he sees you, he adores you. So picture this, you and him together you'd be the most powerful couple in the magic world. Solid pure blood families, wealth, talent and fame."

"Yeah, but we weren't in love Moony. I love James deeply, as a brother. And he loves me the same way, you know that. We both fell at different moments for completely different persons "

"You chose me, because he was straight" he said sad but firm and Sirius swallowed hard.

Yes, he used to have a guilty hidden crush on James, but it had always been just a crush, and it didn't last longer that a couple of months.

"No. I chose you because I love you" Sirius said calmly and Remus gave him a broken smile, his slightly opened eyes

"If he had been bisexual, he would've been head over heels for you, and you'd been too. And I can bet my life you wouldn't even have considered kissing me, not even drunk" he said sadly and Sirius swallowed loudly. He pressed his forehead to Remus's.

"I don't know what would've happened Moony. But I know I fancied you since you made that snarky comment at Transfiguration in second grade."

"Yeah, but you would've kept it a secret, and now maybe you could've been on Godrics Hollow sharing a warm tea with him, no full moons, no scars, no hiding."

Sirius kissed him on the lips.

"Why is it so hard for you to accept I chose you because I wanted you?"

Remus gave him a broken smile.

"I'm sorry. I know you hate this part of me. Is just, I see him, all handsome, pure blood, wealthy, bright and successful. Has such a chemistry with you, a connection... And I can't help but suffer because I don't stand a chance against him"

"You don't need to stand a chance, I chose you, you're mine, and I'm yours, besides I chose you over Theodore"

"Who?"

"The hufflepuff bloke. He was a pure blood, talented too. He was handsome and bright, we were screwing around, he might have been falling a bit, and right at the moment I understood you might be in love with me, I left him. Left it all. Because I wanted to be yours"

Remus looked a bit ashamed, warm smile and glassy eyes.

"I didn't know you were together"

"We weren't. I was just being a jerk I guess"

"Thanks for not doing that to me. I would've been destroyed. I was so fucking in love with you, since third grade, maybe second grade"

Sirius chuckled and kissed his lips.

"You're not a consolation prize. You're my one and only"

A long moment of silence, Sirius was about to fall unconscious when he heard Remus again.

"Imagine if I could, if I were able to carry our baby, I can knot you inside me"

"Moony...? "

Remus blushed hard but couldn't stop his tongue even if he wanted to.

"But I'd be so cute. You'd be sooo protective and I bet you'd be worried all the time"

Sirius chuckled and turned to face him, gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. It was embarrassing to even talk about it, but his heart felt too warm.

"Of course I would. And I would talk to your belly and hold your hand every time you got to a stair"

Remus gave him such a soft adorable smile.

"Yes, and you'd be so excited when he started kicking and we'd fight over the right name"

"And I'd paint the nursery dark gray too"

Remus let out a messy loud laugh.

"And we'd have to turn on nights, and maybe after it I wouldn't be as thin, or scrawny"

"You'd still be beautiful, and I'd tell you that until the day I die"

Remus hugged him tightly, the subject changing completely.

"Please, don't die. Don't you dare die before me" Remus said suddenly anxious and Sirius kissed him deeply. He placed a hand on Moonys flat stomach.

"I wouldn't take my hand off your belly"

Remus smiled wide.

"You'd be Paddy, like Daddy and Pads together"

Sirius laughed and kissed him again. Soft and tender.

"And you'd be Moomy"

Remus nodded and kissed him.

"I think we'd make excellent parents"

"I've never thought about it. I guess I just pictured both of us growing old on a small cabin next to a big forest. Your eyes fixed on your books, mine on the landscape, maybe in some years we could adopt a kid, add it to the frame"

"Sounds lovely, but just one. And it has to have your eyes" he said, his eyes already beginning to close.

"Or what?" Sirius asked with a chuckle but Lupin didn't answer, he was already sunken in deep sleep.

\-----

It was about 9 in the morning when Remus started to move, what hit him first was a desperate thirst and a massive headache

"Fuck. What happened?" he asked to himself too hangover to open his eyes.

"You got really drunk. Like really. More than James drunk"

"Bloody hell, why did you let me?"

Remus asked annoyed and dug his face on the pillow. Sirius sat by his side, his eyes stroking the golden straight hair, one kiss on his head, he handed him a glass with what he knew was a potion against hangovers. He was grateful and drank it whole.

" You were funny last night"

"Oh God, what did I do?" Remus seemed worried, Sirius smiled wide. He was dying to see Remus's reaction when he told him everything.

"Said"

"What? To James!?"

"Nope. Just me. You told me you wanted to get pregnant with my baby"

And it worked. Remus was so blushed, extremely red and unable to look him in the eye.

"fuck"

"I guess being at Harrys birth made you a little sentimental"

"It did" he said still unable to fix his eyes on Sirius.

"Don't worry, it was cute. I'll never bring it up again IF YOU FORGET WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY TOLD DUMBLEDORE HE WAS HOT" Sirius said trying to make this chance worth, but in a soft tone, still touched by Moonys response. He stood up and saw Remus blushed and extremely uncomfortable look.

"Oh Lord, but that's too damn good"

"Pregnant Remus"

Remus blushed again. Harder.

"Fuck, fine. That's fine. Deal. We never mention it again"

"Deal, but to be fair, I think it was the cutest thing I've ever heard, a conversation about a possible parenthood and your adorable pregnancy"

"Sirius please" Remus said completely red and covered his face with both hands

"Also, you wanted to get fucked... So badly"

"Really?"

"Oh yes"

Remus let out a shy laugh.

"And you didn't do it?"

"We've got a rule about it"

"Such a gentleman" he teased and Sirius smiled wide.

"But you're not drunk anymore aren't you?"

Remus smiled wide.

"Very sober"

"So?"

Remus bit his lip.

"I'm waiting for you to ask nicely"

Sirius felt the spark or arousal lighting up. He smiled and climbed on top of him, holding him by the waist and starting to place small and wet kisses on his neck.

"Please, Moony... Will you let me fuck you?"

Remus felt his cock starting to grow inside his pj's. He bit his lip until it swallowed .

"That's all you've got?"

Sirius let out a chuckle and bit his neck, licking till he reached his earlobe and heard Remus first moan.

"I beg you"

.....

James sent an owl to their flat. It didn't say much but it said enough to set their nerves to the top.  
  
"*_Come Friday, don't tell anyone. Be extremely cautious. Burn this _*"

Sirius kept on reading it all over and over again, why had he sent it on Sunday? Why wait so many days? . It was Monday morning, one day before the full moon and Sirius anxiety was driving him mad.

"Why not sooner?" he asked again while holding the paper, Remus was at the shower, he too was worried but usually was mature enough to contain his anxiety and fear. He tried to scrub every inch of his body, he had this sick need of showering before and after the full moon, maybe because it used to calm him, and wipe away the memory of the monster. He tried his best to reduce his emotions.

Sirius wasn't helping at all.

"They're fine. Bad news travel fast" he said trying to sound calm, failing.

Sirius nodded not looking away from the paper.

"But why burn this? And why be cautious? Are they on his watch? Why would they? There's no reason... Well, James a pure blood, and he's talented, and Lily...she's a muggleborn. But they are not important, not even close enough to Dumbledore "

"Relax Pads. We'll be there in a few days. Come get a shower, it's almost time"

"But..."

"Pads. He's fine. Come on, you know - you know who- is strong and we're all being watched equally, after all, this is a war"

"When will this end?" Sirius said a bit too anxious and Remus sighed, he then saw his naked boyfriend entering the shower, his beautiful gray eyes still lost in thought.

"I don't know love, but all wars end. Nothing lasts forever, nor good times, nor bad times"

"I want you to last me forever"

"Can't. Just a lifetime."

Sirius smiled and stood on his toes to place a soft kiss on Remus lips, he then started seeing him with attention. So many scars, wounds, so many marks of pain and suffering. There was no way to stop this. No way to protect him, he was like an open wound exposed to infection, no way to stitch it to heal.

He swallowed loudly and kissed him again, more needy, more desperate. Remus kissed him back trying to make the kiss slow and chaste, but he couldn't. Sirius desperation was evident, his parted lips and drowning moans, he pressed his erection to Remus tight and moaned loudly, Remus felt a dizzying wave of heat and pleasure, he broke the kiss and turned a step back, green terrified eyes lighting with amber strings.

"Please Moony" Sirius begged and Remus growled.

"No, Sirius, don't do this to me, please stop"

"I need it, please" Sirius begged in such an innocent way that made Remus stomach twitch as he felt how the wolf started waking inside him, his throat suddenly dry and his cock swelling to a size he wasn't used to.

"Don't use sadic sex to get high and forget about this. Don't mess with me now"

Sirius knew it wasn't right, he was betraying Remus's trust. But he was anxious, and desperate, and he was a natural masochist, so he pressed his lips again to Remus's, he felt burning lips and firm hands. Remus was close to losing himself.

"Moony please, I need it, so bad... Please" Sirius was incoherent, his kisses wet and filthy. Remus felt he could lose it at any second and tried his best to fight it, he was so close to the full moon, this was so fucking dangerous.

"Don't do this to me Pads, you know I don't trust myself"

"But I do, please Moony, fuck me" he said and turned pressing his back and ass to Remus erection, he heard a growl and felt his nails sinking on his flesh, burning pain and strong hands.

"Fuck "

Remus lost it, he tried for so many years not to lose it, but his eyes were almost fully amber, the full moon was hours away, his blood was boiling inside him and his mind had just one thing as priority: Fucking Sirius.

He turned him wildly and pushed him to the tiles, hungry kisses and not too gentle bites through his pale skin, one hand pressed to his cock, Sirius was between fear and pleasure. He trusted Remus wouldn't hurt him, he had always thought a part of himself was there even when the wolf was his flesh. Now while he felt hungry kisses and not so gentle touch, he wasn't so sure anymore and he wondered if maybe, he had made a mistake.

Hungry kisses and a sharp bite that made his lip bleed, Remus didn't notice his hands were bruising Sirius, he pressed his cock to his buttcheeks and kissed him wildly, his tongue inside Sirius mouth, Sirius was into a great deal of physical pain -he never thought Remus was this strong-, and yet his cock had never been so sensitive and hard before.

"Moony, you need to prepare me" he said a bit scared and Remus gave him a smirk.

A cold - I don't give a fuck- grin, and pushed himself into Sirius.

A loud scream and a messy breath. Remus pushed himself deeper inside him, rough kisses and sharp bites. He fucked him and wanked him, and Sirius was a hot mess of pain and pleasure, it didn't last long, Sirius body was tight and warm, and Remus was more instincts than reason, he came on a loud orgasm inside him. Sirius - surprisingly- came right after, his whole skin burning. Remus pulled away not caring his cock was too swallowed trying to knot inside Sirius.

He didn't let it, he pulled away growling and ran out of the bathroom, not even looking back . Sirius fell to his knees and looked at the window, it wasn't full moon yet and even though, he saw the familiar werewolf running through the woods.

Remus had turned hours before he was supposed to. Sirius tried to move but a burning pain in his hole and back didn't let him. He felt broken and way too dizzy. He was so fucking tired for a full moon now. He tried to turn into padfoot, but was unsuccessful.

Shit.

Remus would be mad when he turned back.

Fuck.

He had fucked up, big time.

.....

Sunlight through the window was what woke him up, he moved lazily and felt the empty bed. Fuck. He had slept the whole night. Fuck, Remus had spent full moon on his own.

What a fucking jerk of a boyfriend he was, he tried to sit in the bed but a sharp pain made him gasp, he closed his eyes again and tried to roll over his belly, but it hurt too.

"Stop. Pads, stop" Remus said softly, Remus was back? Had this been a dream? He opened his eyes, Remus was sitting on the chair next to their bed, he was shaking lightly, his green eyes were back. He had no visible scars, was wearing a navy cardigan and his face was puffy from crying, what had happened?

"You all right Moony? I'm sorry I couldn't make it..."

Remus let out a bitter chuckle.

"Fuck Sirius, you know why you didn't make it? Because a fucking monster raped you. You were unconscious for a fucking night and half a day" he said at the edge of crying, his broken eyes and his full body trembling.

"You're not a monster. You didn't rape me"

"Stop. Stop it Sirius." Remus said broken and Sirius bit his tongue. He was staring at him, trying to fin the right words.

"I... It's my fault. I don't know why I thought I'd be able to love someone, to share my life with someone. There's a good reason for werewolves to be social outcasts"

"No Moony. It wasn't you, I messed it up. I'm so sorry Moony, I just wanted to know what it felt like, now I get it we shouldn't try it so close to the full moon..."

"We shouldn't try it ever. Sirius I'm too fucking dangerous, too unstable, too bad for you"

"No, you're kind, you're good. It was just a tough experience..."

Remus covered his face with both hands and broke out crying.

"I'm so sorry Pads, I wish I could be the man you deserve" he said between sobs and Sirius did his best to walk out of the bed, he had a sharp pain in his back, a vast quantity of bruises in his body, some bite marks and a complete exhaustion. But it wasn't that bad considering a werewolf had fucked him 15 minutes before turning, maybe in a week he could be back to normal.

He walked shyly and tried to kneel before him, but he couldn't. Remus stood and held him carefully.

"You're more than the man I deserve. You're perfect with your furry little problem and all. I'm sorry I didn't listen. From now on, I swear I won't tease you when you're close"

Remus cried miserably, trying to hold back his sobs.

"You shouldn't be this sweet. You should hate me, you should never want to see me again. I raped you. I hurt you"

"No, it wasn't rape. I was irresponsible. You're not yourself when it's full moon. I pushed the boundaries."

Remus cried silently, Sirius hugged him, Remus stood frozen.

"Come on, hug me back Moony"

But Remus couldn't trust himself, he barely touched him.

"Moony, we're safe, full moons over."

"I turned before full moon. Then we're never safe. I'm not safe for you. What if someday the emotions are way too much and I turn and attack you? "

Sirius sighed and looked him in the eye.

"You could've killed me easily. And you didn't, you didn't even broke me anything, or turned me. I was exposed as a human to you at your most dangerous moment, and nothing happened. I think we're pretty safe"

And that was not the right thing to say. Remus broke again and took a step back.

"You shouldn't be with a man who can easily rip you off, you shouldn't date someone like me"

"No, that's why I'll marry you" he said softly and Remus chuckled and kissed him softly still afraid and trembling.

"You're out of your mind Sirius Black. Go to bed, rest. I.. Made you some soup. I'll bring it" he said and walked out of the bedroom.

.... 

"I'm scared of being so close, and hurting you" he whispered next to him at the middle of the night, Sirius was half asleep and yawned lazily, throwing his arms around his waist and placing soft kisses on his back.

" It was bad timing. That's all"

"Sirius you can barely walk"

"So now you're bragging about your cock"

Remus closed his eyes between anger and a chuckle.

"Sirius. You know what I mean"

"You couldn't walk neither your first time"

Remus let out a shy laugh.

"Please promise me you won't do that to me ever again"

Sirius let out a sigh. He pressed his forehead to Remus's.

"I promise"

Remus closed his eyes and let out a sigh. Full of regret and pain. Sirius placed a soft kiss in his shoulder. Remus shivered.

"How can you mate with a monster? How can you love a beast? Why do you keep being here?" he said completely broken and Sirius pressed his forehead to his shoulders.

"You're my Moony. You're the love of my life Remus."

Remus heart went to an arrhythmia, he pressed his forehead on Sirius forehead and kissed his nose shyly

\----

They arrived to the Potters at 1 pm, they brought a bottle of wine, some turkey and a chocolate cake. James opened the door with a broken smile just to find Sirius sparkling eyes and Remus completely broken glare. He wondered about it but was too anxious on his own thoughts to analyze it any further.

They sat at the dining room, little Harry was seven months old and sitting in his stool. Sirius sat next to him and started giggling at him, Remus helped Lily set the table while James was serving the food. She asked if everything was all right, he just said "tough full moon" and that was code for - no more questions-

But as a matter of fact he didn't remember the full moon, he remembered running through the woods feeling extremely good and free, then he had passed out next to the sea, and woke into a human.

It was the most peaceful full moon of his life. Maybe because he had just fucked Sirius and the wolf was somehow relaxed, he didn't know why, but he was damn sure he'd rather have those messy energized painful nights a thousand times before hurting Sirius again.

He walked to the table were they had the usual small talk about themselves, Harry's achievements this week, the weather and a bit of gossiping about everyone in the order.

James put down his fork and took a long sip to his wine glass. Little Harry had finally fell to a nap, Lily took him to his crib and was back in no time at all.

"We need to tell you something important"

Remus put down his fork too trying to keep all his attention at this very moment, trying to wipe away the last couple of days from his mind. Sirius lifted his hair in a bun completely forgetting why he had it loose in the first place.

"Oh my God Pads, what happened to your neck?"

His pale skin was decorated with a nice purple bruise and purple fingerprints , you could clearly see the shadow of Remus's long fingers on his shoulder and running through his neck.

"Fuck" he said and let his hair loose again, Lily let out a chuckle, James was between shocked and amazed.

"I thought you were the bottom Moony" he said extremely honest and Sirius laughed.

Remus blushed fiercely with broken eyes and ashamed looked into the table, Sirius knew it was a hard subject to touch and immediately let his hair loose again and changed the subject.

"What is it that you wanted to tell us?" he said still extremely nervous and anxious. James understood.

"Fine. Well as you know a prophecy was made some months ago, it referred to a baby boy who was supposed to be born the last day of July, it said, he'll be the one to defeat you know who. He's been called the chosen one."

"We know that, Dumbledore told us, remember?" Sirius said a bit confused by it.

"Voldemort thinks is Harry"

They froze, suddenly the mood was tense and dark. Remus was the first to feel out of breath, he knew what that meant. Their days were counted.

"But, it could be anyone. Alice's kid was born the same day, just a few hours earlier. I bet a hundred magical babies were born that day" Sirius said exalted, deep into denial.

"I know, I know Pads. But he thinks it's Harry. He'll come for him. And I won't let him, and we know what that means"

"I know. Neither will we. We'll protect him with our lives, you don't even have to ask for it" Sirius said exalted thinking James wanted to ask for their help facing Voldemort. Of course he would.

But Remus who was extremely bright and was scarily perceptive understood why they were there. He remained quiet. James gave him a broken smile across the table. He had loved Remus deeply, he was an amazing friend and a beautiful human being. Yes, they've had rough times because both craved Sirius so badly, but he realized, Remus was a big part of his life.

"You already know right?" he asked directly to him, and Sirius noticed Remus eyes were full of tears as he nodded. He was holding back as hard as he could.

"What do you mean Remus? They're our family, we'll protect them"

"I understand Sirius, and we will. But I think James and Lily want to ask you something"

Sirius turned to see them a bit puzzled.

"Is not an easy request Sirius" Lily said with broken dull voice.

"Voldemort will look for us, we'll do our best to protect Harry. Dumbledore has a plan for that already, he'll be here in a while. But if we fail, you need to promise me Sirius, really promise me, if anything happens to us, you and Remus will take Harry, and raise him, and love him as if he were yours" James finished, with shaking voice and broken eyes.

Remus couldn't contain his emotions any longer, his frustration turning his stomach so wild it made him want to throw up, he dug his face on his hands, crying silently, sobbing loudly.

"No, you'll be all right. You both will watch him grow, don't even think otherwise" Sirius was deep in denial, crying and shaking. Lily had a broken glare too, her cheeks wet with tears.

"Please, I know it's a lot to ask for, but promise me Sirius. Be his godfather. And if I'm gone, be his father. He'll need you. He'll need both of you" she said giving Remus a soft but strong look, trying to reassure him he was worthy enough of their trust.

Remus nodded still crying, he understood this was the hardest thing James and Lily had ever asked for in their life.

After some slow agonic seconds Sirius understood the odds were rough and he nodded bitterly.

"Of course I will Prongs. I can't, can't bare to imagine a world without you, but... If, if it ever happens. I promise to you both, I'll take Harry. We, we'll take him" Sirius said while taking Remus hand and tangling their fingers.

"Thanks Pads, that's all I needed to hear"

.....

Dumbledore came that afternoon, he had a plan. He thought old magic was the answer to hide the Potters, the Fidelius charm to be more specific. So they needed a secret keeper. One single soul strong enough to keep them safe.

"Of course that'll be Pads" James said with no hesitation. Dumbledore nodded but looked a bit anguished.

"But wouldn't that be too obvious? Voldemort will know right away you'd trust him the most" Remus said trying to hide the concerned and anxious tone on his voice. Failing miserably.

"But it doesn't matter Moony, I'd rather die a thousand times before letting it slip. They're safe with me, doesn't matter if Voldemort comes for me" Sirius said extremely sweet and naive, so brave and loyal.

Remus felt his heart ache.

I don't want you to die.

But I don't want Prongs and Lily and Harry to die.

But definitely not Sirius. Everyone but Sirius.

He was about to offer himself for it to free Sirius from such a threat, when Dumbledore spoke.

"But you are vulnerable. He'll break you" he said in a calm, soft, but extremely annoying tone.

"No, he won't. I will never betray my best friend and his family"

"Even if he captures Remus and tortures him until death?" Dumbledore asked and Sirius felt out of breath. First because how on earth did Dumbledore know he loved Remus? They were never public, only with James and Lily, he hated hiding but he knew it was the best to avoid unnecessary attacks and attention. His relatives attention. Second, he had never thought about that. About how loving Remus made him vulnerable.

"I'd know we have a secret to keep. We would never say anything" Remus said extremely calmed but Dumbledore eyes were still fixed on Sirius.

"Really? So you'd be able if it comes to that point, to watch Voldemort perform the worst dark magic on Remus and don't even tingle?"

Sirius felt out of breath, his eyes dancing from James to Remus.

He wanted to say he could.

But he wasn't so sure anymore.

"No, enough. You don't have to Pads" James said still hurt by the fear that infested his best friends eyes. He didn't want them to die for him, he didn't want them to suffer, he couldn't bare to imagine Remus bleeding on the floor, twisting painfully at *_crucio_*, losing his mind and Sirius losing everything unable to do something. He wasn't going to allow that.

"We'll pick someone else. I need you guys alive and together" James said trying to make them understand their new gained responsibility to Harry.

"What about Wormtail?" Sirius asked in a whisper and Lily's face brighten up.

"That's a fantastic idea. No one would expect anything from him"

"But he's been quite away from us lately" Remus said in his usual calm shy voice.

"But that's because we're now too boring for him. He's still 21 and single, you two are like an old married couple and Lily and I we're being devoured by parenthood"

"Couldn't say it any better" Lily said an Dumbledore nodded.

"And you can trust him with your life?" Dumbledore asked a bit preoccupied.

"We've been friends for years. We grew up together. He's in the order. You know he's not talented, nor bright, but he has a kind heart" James said.

Little did they all know it had been the moment that decided their lives.


	9. Anxiety

"You were right." James said with firm but unsteady voice and Remus took his eyes off his book. They were both at James and Lily's living room waiting for Lily and Sirius, they had been out with little Harry 'cause he had a cold, and it was easier just to look after two persons rather than three. And James hated it, he could feel his own anxiety and fear eating his guts, maybe as much as Remus himself felt terrified at the idea of Sirius unprotected. But they were supposed to be safe, Dumbledore and Moody and three other trustworthy members of the Order were escorting them. So they had to stay and pretend no one had never left the house. James was smoking next to the window, drinking firewhiskey trying to burn his thoughts. Remus was trying to read quietly on an armchair. 

"About what?" he asked shyly and James tried hard to bite his tongue, but he couldn't. The last months had been tough. He couldn't leave the house. They were trapped in here until the war was over. And Harry was growing bored of being in the same place, so tantrums, fear and imprisonment were driving him mad. 

He could blame it on that. The fact that two weeks ago he had heard Sirius laugh, messy and loud and his heart had skipped a beat was a matter of mental stability. The fact that every time Sirius looked at him made him shiver, was a matter of his own anxiety. It didn't mean anything. 

But it was driving him insane. So fucking mad. He had to tell this to someone, but he definitely couldn't tell Sirius, nor Lily - even though, she might understand - And Peter wasn't around as he used to, which drove him even more anxious, because he had trusted his life and his family's on him, why was he so fucking distant? But maybe that was just his paranoia growing day by day fed up by his anxiety. He needed to talk to someone or he was going to explode soon. And he just had Remus left, maybe the one who should've never known about this. He blushed lightly and shook his head. 

Stop

Don't be a fucking jerk James.

"Prongs, is everything all right?" he asked sweet and genuinely concerned as he always was and James couldn't help but wonder if maybe his sweetness and shyness was what made Sirius so crazy about him. Did he lack of it? Why Sirius hadn't fallen for him? James stop.

"I have a thing for Sirius" he said with broken voice and glassy eyes. Remus felt a tight knot at his throat understanding immediately what he meant, shaking hands and loud heart. He couldn't compete with James. He could never be half as good as James was. He in fact, was everything that James wasn't. Poor, unemployed, werewolf, insecure, not a pure blood. 

"Oh" he simply said with broken green eyes and parted lips. What else could he say? And why was James telling him this? 

James knew he was fucking this so much. But he couldn't quite stop right there. He wanted Remus to know he wouldn't approach Sirius that way, even though he wanted to, but he also wanted Remus to know he was insanely confused and that yes, his jealousy was now justified. 

"I'm so fucking sorry. I love you Remus. And you and Sirius make an amazing couple, and I love Lily so much..." he said at the edge of tears. 

"But you want him" Remus simply said and James covered his face with both hands, trembling lightly.

"I don't know what's happening to me. I'm so sorry Moony. I truly hate myself for it. It was unexpected and it scares the shit out of me"

Remus just swallowed loudly.

"Does he know?" he asked as calm as he could be. 

"No. He must never know, there's no use" he said trembling and Remus closed his eyes starting to feel dizzy.

"It's like going back to third grade but on inverted roles." he said coldly and James chuckled hopelessly. His hazel eyes full of tears, Remus was mad -_he had every right to be to be honest_\- but also felt a deep hole in his heart. James was for the first time in his life, vulnerable. Vulnerable to him. 

He let our an ironic chuckle 

"Oh, I'm sorry Moony... Remus. Just forget about this nonsense. It's pointless anyway. I love Lily. And he loves you in a way you wouldn't imagine. I don't know why do I even feel this way"

"Hold on Prongs. It's, it's fine. Fuck, I'm pissed and sad and insecure, but I'm also concerned about you, you look awful. When did this start? I know what it feels to love him and feel unrequited " James chuckled, his beautiful eyes full of tears, his terrified stare and his trembling lips. James wasn't used to lose his shit. Remus gave him a soft smile, he wasn't used to get his shit together. They were both dancing on unknown waters.

"I... Fuck, I'm sorry. I don't know. I just... I've been terribly anxious, about everything we're going through, and some weeks ago he said something about you, he usually always does that, and it's fine,usually is. But that night, it bothered me. And I tried to push it back and forget about it. But it didn't help"

"What exactly did you feel?"

"I don't know Moony. I'm a mess. Maybe because I feel so fucking paranoid and I don't want to lose him, maybe because I know you'll stay away for a while, until the war's over and we hide our way through it, and he'll be out fighting, he's an auror. And he's been so close already... And fuck, I'm a jerk for telling you this right? "

Remus felt gasping for air but shook his head, it was exactly the same fear that didn't let him sleep, but at least he had Sirius usually sleeping by his side, he just had to hold him tighter... James didn't have that." It's fine " he mumbled in a low breath and kept staring at him. Waiting for his answer. James sighed dramatically. 

"I just sometimes feel so close to death, it feels as if it wasn't real. But it is. I could die any day, and Sirius, fuck, he's on the line. He's exposed. Completely exposed. Flesh in a lion cage, and it drives me insane and I just can't help but realize, there's not enough time." James was crying and trembling, for the first time in his life Remus saw fear on his eyes. He saw him so lost, so afraid. James had always been the most privileged of them. A loving family, a happy childhood, no dramas, no tragedies. Success talent, popularity and money. And now, he looked so broken it hurt. 

"I've always loved him. And I've always been a bit jealous about you in a way. But for the first time I felt... Desire?" 

Remus swallowed hard, his eyes starting to light up in amber. James noticed it but didn't stumble. Didn't lie. 

"He's beautiful" Remus simply said and James nodded, then right after he shook his head. 

"Fuck, I'm so sorry Moones" 

He chuckled. Dry but honest. 

"It's fine, it's true. He is. So, what now?" he asked with his usual broken stare. 

"Nothing, nothing changes. I'll just learn to put this behind. I needed to get it out of my chest, I'm so sorry it was you who took it" 

"I don't think it's that easy to put Sirius behind. I've tried" he said honest. 

James gave him a bitter smirk. 

"I know. But I have a family I love. I'll just avoid Sirius company on our own, and firewhiskey. Definitely avoid firewhiskey." 

Remus gave a soft chuckle and nodded.

"But will that be fine with you?" 

"It's for the best. Trust me" he said and lit another cigarette. 

"Are you mad at me?" he asked after a while. 

Remus sighed. 

"No. I knew this could happen someday. I just thought Sirius would be the one to tell me this. It's just surprising it was you. You've been close all your life. You've got a strange bond. It's a thin line to cross" 

"I don't want to cross it Remus. I'm sure about that" 

"You're afraid. Afraid of not being able to come back after it" Remus said extremely calm but with a possessive tone on his voice. 

"I am" James confessed and Remus closed his eyes. He was an emotional mess, but to be fair, James was worse than that. 

"Prongs!!" Sirius loud voice came from the door and James quickly dried his tears with his blazer. He couldn't help but smile when he saw his best friend holding little Harry on his arms with a wide smile and a messy bun of black locks. He felt his heart pounding way too loud. 

Remus stare was fixed on his every reaction. 

"Honey, you're OK?" Lily asked worried and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. Remus noticed Sirius soft eyes at them. No hurt, no anger, no jealousy. Just a soft grin while holding Harry. 

It was the first time that Remus understood Sirius truly loved him. He had truly buried the crush he used to have for James and the public hate he had proudly felt and expressed for Lily. Sirius had moved on from it. And now was James's turn to do so. 

"I'm fine. Just got emotional with Remus" 

"But you're not crying, which is weird" Sirius said suspiciously looking at Remus, he just smiled at him, warm and grateful. 

"I was about to, but you kind of broke the mood" Remus joked and Sirius gave him a smirk. The kind of look that said, -I'll fuck the sake out of you as soon as we get home-

James gave them a sweet broken smile and kissed Lily's red hair. He loved Lily with all of his heart, but he also loved Sirius, had always loved Sirius. And he had always been certain it was brotherly love. Why was he messing things up? 

..... 

Heavy anxious knocks at his door made him stop washing the dishes, he took his wand terrified and walked to the stairs. They had a code, if for any reason someone came Lily had to hide in Harry's nursery with her wand, James would sort things out. He walked to the door and tried to look from the window. 

"It's me. Sirius" he heard his best friends voice and immediately relaxed, he lowered his wand and opened the door. Sirius gray eyes were full of tears. His usual black outfit seemed messed up, it took some seconds for James to understand what was happening. 

"Bloody hell Pads" he said with broken voice when he saw the deep wound Sirius had below his rib-cage, dry blood and exposed flesh. 

"Yes. I'm about to pass out" he warned smiling and his knees trembled. James took him on his arms and closed the door. 

"James!?" it was Lily's terrified voice. 

"Everything's fine honey." 

"Oh, great. I'll be there in a while" she said and he nodded to himself. 

Then he placed Sirius in his living room couch and started undressing him, shaking fingers and unsteady breathing. 

"I'm okay Prongs. Just a cut" 

"What happened?" 

"The usual. Death eaters. Every passing day he's stronger." he said on a low dead voice and James hazel eyes looked at him completely broken.

"You need to quit. This is a war" 

"That's exactly my job Prongs. Be on the war" 

James bluffed and started cleaning the wound. He took some vodka and looked him in the eye. 

"This will burn" 

"It's fine" 

James threw vodka to the wound and Sirius bit his lip so hard it bled, his eyes full of tears and his arrhythmic heart wild because of the burning pain. 

"Oh fuck" he said and James gave him a broken smile, he then started mumbling spells and the wound started to close itself, Sirius was trying so hard not to scream. He knew Harry was sleeping, or trying to upstairs. 

"The worst is over." James said and looked at his friend, a thick blood drop on his lower lip. James took out his handkerchief and without thinking he cleaned his lip, soft and way too close. 

Sirius felt his heart beating faster. 

James hazel eyes a few inches from him. 

"It's fine" he said softly and James's heart broke. 

He saw Sirius's gray eyes and thought that maybe that would be the last fucking time he'd see him. He saw his messy black locks and his soft full lips. He felt his heart too wild, to tight. He felt too anxious, too fucking afraid, too close to death. His eyes began to tear down and just when Sirius was about to tell him everything was going to be fine, he kissed him. 

It was slow, tender and extremely uncertain. You could taste fear and guilt on James lips. 

It took Sirius by surprise. Not only because he had been James best-man at his wedding, but because he thought James was extremely straight. Not bisexual as Remus, or gay as himself. But straight. Solid line straight. 

It seemed after all, he wasn't. 

Sirius broke the kiss and looked at him with broken concerned eyes, then James realized what he had done. He pushed himself as far away as possible from Sirius, blushing and shaking. 

"I'm so sorry Pads... So sorry, I shouldn't have done that" 

Sirius knelt before him with great difficulty and gave him a soft smile. 

"It's fine. It's okay Prongs." he said softly and kept looking at him. 

"I just, fuck. I don't want to lose you... I don't want to die. I don't want Lily and Harry to be on his watch. I want to watch him grow... I just" 

"It's fine. We'll be fine. He'll grow and he'll be sorted in Gryffindor and we will attend his Quiditch matches. There's future" he said brave and calm and James broke. 

He broke out crying as soon as he felt Sirius's arms around him. Sirius kissed his dark hair and held him tightly. They didn't notice how much time it passed, Sirius understood James couldn't break before Lily. He understood James justified fear and anxiety. 

What he didn't understand was the kiss, but he didn't ask.

......

  
"Sirius, we need to talk" Remus said shyly and saw how his boyfriend who was already tucked in the bed left the book on his night desk and sat expecting. Anxious as always. The painful vivid memory of James lips against his made him tremble. 

Remus walked shyly in circles around the bed trying to gain some strength. The pouring rain making the London view a breathless one.

"There's a community of werewolves in the north. They've been recruited by Voldemort but I think it wasn't as successful as expected. Dumbledore wants me to go on mission and I agreed"

"No fucking way" Sirius said extremely mad.

"I'm just letting you know, I already made my call"

"No fucking way Remus. You're not leaving alone to be with a hundred werewolves on the wild, they're dangerous creatures, it's like offering yourself as bait"

And that was the wrong thing to say. Remus could be sweet, kind and soft, but he was independent and stronger than all four of them, James always knew that it'd be less difficult for Remus to move on from Sirius, than otherwise.

Sirius was passionate, he loved Remus and his entire life went circling around him.

Remus was incredibly intelligent. He loved Sirius, but he was used to tragedy. He knew how to keep fighting after losing it all.

"Oh, so now werewolves are dangerous creatures. Well, didn't you get the memo? , you FUCKING LIVE WITH ONE!"

"I didn't mean all werewolves. You're so different"

"I'm not Sirius. I'm just like them"

"Moony, come to you damn senses. You'll be gone for weeks and you'll spend a full moon night completely by yourself"

"I used to do it all the time! Padfoot wasn't there when I was four!"

"I know, I know! I know you can do it, but why hurt yourself?"

"I'm doing my part to contribute to this war"

"No, you're sacrificing yourself so you can feel worthy"

"Excuse me? Isn't it that what you fucking do all the time? You're an auror! . You understand the anguish I live in every day you leave for work?"

"I know. But it's different. I know what I'm dealing with"

"Oh really? So dueling Voldemort with no wand is fine, but going north to TALK with werewolves offends you?"

" It doesn't fucking offends me. It scares the shit out of me just to picture yourself standing thin and weak in the middle of the woods, wearing a yellow cardigan waiting for them to tear you apart! "

"So you think I can't defend myself? You really think I'm that useless? That weak? "

"Oh bloody hell Moony! I don't want to lose you."

"You won't. Greyback is willing to come to te ..."

"Fenrir Greyback?! Are you for real? The motherfucker who bit you and turned countless kids!?!"

"Yes"

"Oh Remus, please forgive me soon for this"

Remus was about to ask what for when Sirius in a glimpse took his wand from the night desk and said "*_Petrificus Totalus_*"

Remus heavy body fell on the floor. Sirius then carried his weight to the bed and tucked him in as if he were asleep. He then disparated.

He apparated at the Headmaster's office in Hogwarts. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, petting the Phoenix while reading a bunch of papers he had. He looked as if he was expecting him.

"Good night Mr. Black"

"I don't even know why you don't protect your office against apparitions, also I thought you couldn't apparate in Hogwarts... this is so unsafe, it's the dumbest thing to do" Dumbledore smiled kindly.

"But it is protected, and no, you can't, only the Headmaster and the ones he decides to can. I knew I'd have some unexpected visitors"

Sirius frowned. He was wearing his black pj's, his hair in a bun. He didn't think it through, just went raging mad and decided.

"I want you to keep your missions as far as possible from Remus "

"Oh, so he did tell you the truth?"

"Of course he did. He's not the kind of person that lies"

"I see. And you're angry because he's decided to go?"

"Don't play it fool, you knew he couldn't say no. He never says no when he knows he can help. You fucking knew if you asked, he would go. He'd go undoubtedly to his death if he thought he was helping even a tiny bit "

"Yes. And we really need him to"

"So his life means nothing to you?"

"You know that's not true Sirius. But this is a war"

" Yes. This is a war, so sending a soldier on his own its fucking suicide. Everybody knows that"

"Fenrir doesn't want anyone but Remus. He only agreed to talk to him"

"Cause he enjoys watching people suffer. There's no other victim bitten by him that suffers more than Remus"

"Perhaps. But it serves our cause"

Sirius let out a mad chuckle.

"So if he dies there, it was for the cause huh?"

"You know I like Remus... "

Another mad laugh. Sirius had this extremely creepy defect to laugh madly every time he lost his shit.

"But it ain't the fucking same, right? I love Remus, you just like him"

Dumbledore stood quiet watching him carefully. Sirius was laughing, trembling and walking in circles around his office. Sirius's recklessness reminded him of someone, someone with mismatching eyes. 

"I don't care if he's in the order, if he duels and looses someday I'll understand. But it's not the same to die with dignity in the war, than this. It's not the fucking same. He's vulnerable, he's in great disadvantage"

"Everyone has a different role to play Sirius, and I truly believe you see him as this soft kind boy you fell in love with almost a decade ago. He's a bright wizard, a strong and brave man. He's quite resilient"

"I know that. He's been used so much to wounds and scars he doesn't fear them or mind them anymore, but that's not the fucking point! Why expose him even more?"

"He's stronger than you know"

And perhaps Dumbledore was right, they were both adults, Remus knew what he was facing and agreed to it anyway.

Sirius sat in front of him and started sobbing in desperation. Dumbledore watched him quietly.

" May I ask you something personal?"

"Well you came at midnight to my office to yell at me, I believe questions are far better"

He blushed fiercely and with his eyes fixed on the desk, he spoke.

"When Grindelwald did... everything he did, did you ever see him differently?"

Dumbledore swallowed hard. He knew Sirius knew about that since he had read their story in History of Magic, he was perceptive and could recognize a gay man when he saw one. As well as Dumbledore could recognize Sirius first glances at Remus when they were just thirteen years old. He also knew Sirius had some strange fascination with Gellert - who didn't?-, he had found him countless of times looking for Gellert history under James cloak. Dumbledore swallowed loud but remained calm.

"Yes, and no. I saw the monster. The hunger for power and domain, the amazing terrifying brightness to fight for a cause. The cruelty. But I also saw the loneliness sunken in his eyes. The anxiety and the sweetness behind of it all. It was a curse"

Sirius nodded, unsurprised but warm by the confirmation he had seeked for during so many years.

"I see the bright, cold, resilient man. I know he never expected to share his life with someone. I know he's perfectly capable of living on his own, I know he suffers in silence every few days before and after the full moon. I know he sometimes wishes to die so he has no problem at all with suicide missions. I know he's strong, stronger than me or James. But I also met his soft side, his shy shocked smile when I tell him I love him, every time he holds Harry and no one is even worried or upset about it. He thought no one would ever love him or accept him, and he was wrong. He became a suicidal fatalist because he thought he'd never have the chance to be the sweet idealist he wanted to be. You know he dreamt of being a Hogwarts Headmaster right? He came to terms to being a shadow because he thought his light was gone forever, but it wasn't. He's lightness and sweetness and warmth. Don't drag him to being a shadow again, he knows how to do it, but that's not who he is"

Dumbledore was touched by his words. So touched he even wondered if maybe he had missed this resilient hope with Gellert. He shook the idea fast enough to forget it. Remus is not a crazy murderer. Gellert is.

"You're a brave, stubborn, loyal man Mr. Black. And he was indeed a cold shadow when I met him, but you lit him up. There's no kinder gesture than sharing our light. I won't send him North. He'll be here, with you, and his friends"

Sirius felt his eyes full of tears.

"Thank you"

"Don't thank me just yet, let us pray for not needing the werewolves when the final battle comes"

Sirius came to the flat at 2 am. Remus was still petrified on the bed. Sirius knew he was conscious, and he knew if he reverted the spell they'd get in an even more heated fight and not sleep at all, and he was tired.

"Moony, I know you're mad. You have every right to be, but I'm really tired so I'll get some sleep, try to get some sleep too, I'll set you loose in the morning. Don't hate me" he said and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

He quick fell asleep.

In the morning Remus was still petrified. He hoped he was asleep, he brushed his teeth and went to the bathroom. Then he took his wand and extremely afraid said:

"*_Reparifors_*"

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!! 

.....

It was going to be Sirius birthday in a week, James had been successfully avoiding him since that awkward small kiss on his living room, it was driving Sirius mad. So when James had asked him what did he want for his birthday, he had said - a full party night with you- James had chuckled thinking it was a joke. But it wasn't. And as much as it scared the shit out of James, it shook Remus and Lily as well.

But this was Sirius, and he was used to get what he wanted.

He held his bun as high as he could, his gray eyes fixed on the mirror. He was wearing a black denim jacket, a dark gray shirt, a black scarf, black leather trousers and boots. He was wearing dark purple shadow on his eyelids, his eyes looking extremely gray and glowing. 

"Oh bloody hell! Pads, don't dress like that, you make me look old and boring" James said in his blue long sleeved shirt, black trousers and black blazer. 

"You've always looked old and boring" he said mockingly. 

"I hate you. Now my self esteem would never rise again" he said looking at the mirror. Messy dark brunette hair and deep blue eyes. He tried hard not to stare at Sirius, who looked extravagant and so fucking handsome it sent shivers through his spine. 

"Maybe Moony can lend you a blazer. He has funny ones. Moones, you've got a yellow blazer right?" 

"Yellow?" 

"Hi James, didn't hear you coming in" Remus said, his warm smile and usual tea cup. He did his best to completely ignore Sirius, but you could tell by his anxious green eyes and very dilatated pupils, that he wanted to jump at Sirius cock at once. 

"Told you he was on his way" Sirius said and saw how Remus swallowed trying to stop himself and didn't even look at him. 

"I was wondering if you had any blazers?" James asked shyly. 

"Oh, I have a yellow one that might fit with what you're wearing" 

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID!" Sirius said throwing a tantrum. Remus stood stoic. 

"Would you like to see it?" 

James was extremely entertained by it. It wasn't the first time that Remus was so mad at Sirius that decided to pretend he didn't exist. But it was the first time that had lasted more than a day. 

"Yes, that'd be kind" 

"Very well" he said and walked to the walking closet. 

"How long has it been?" James asked Sirius in a whisper. 

"Almost a week, It's turning me crazy. I've apologized in so many ways, and he's so devilish, he keeps being so... Flirtatious and hot, he truly is killing me" 

James let out a laugh. 

"But you kinda deserve it you know? I mean, you petrified him and kept him like that to get some sleep" 

"I know. I deserve it" 

James chuckled. 

"This will do" he said and handed him a yellow blazer. It was extremely hard not to look at it. He never expected Remus to own something so extroverted. 

"It'll definitely do. So you sure you ain't coming?" 

"Totally, I'll just read a book and then hang out in the park" 

"Where?" Sirius asked but was completely ignored. 

"Where?" James asked again trying to help his best friend there.

"Oh, there's a park a few blocks away, people go and take out their dogs for a walk, I once in a while take Pads there, he has a friend" Remus said teasingly.

"OHMYGOD YOUREGOINGONADATE!?!" 

James looked shocked at Sirius words. 

"Of course not, he's just going out to the park" 

"THERE'S A GIRL WHO OWNS A BEAGLE AND HAS A CRUSH FOR HIM. SHE'LL GET TO YOU!" 

"What on earth Padfoot!? He's going for a walk. We're going to a gay night club together, isn't it worse?" 

"Much more" Remus said and Sirius looked at him with his heartbroken look. 

"BUT THIS IS JAMES! HE'S MY BROTHER. YOU'RE GOING AND PROBABLY BE ALONE WITH HER" 

Remus rolled his eyes and hugged James. James felt a twitch in his heart at Sirius words. He didn't want to find out why. 

"Have fun" he said and walked them to the door, such a subtle way to get rid of them. 

"DID YOU NOTICE THAT!?" Sirius half yelled when he closed the door. 

"Sirius stop. Remus would never cheat on you. Ever" 

"BUT YOU SAW!? HE'S MEETING NEW PEOPLE, MAYBE HE'S TIRED OF ME"

"Oh lord. We need a drink" he said and dragged his friend to the building stairs. 

James was for many reasons, his other half. He was funny, clever, kind, had the right amount of black humor to match his. He was also loyal, trustworthy and shared his perception of the world. Magical and muggle one. Truth is, he could've fallen easily in love with James. He was handsome and way too reckless. Sometimes he even wondered why he hadn't fallen in love with him? Why he had fallen so hard for the shy scared thin bloke instead of him? 

But he guessed maybe that's life. We can't choose who we love, it just happens. It strikes us and leaves us breathless. And sometimes we hate to love who we love, but we just can't help it. 

If Sirius were to rank all his night with James, he'd make this number one without a doubt. They started off in a small bar on an underground London street, drinking beer and whiskey, listening to the top rock hits of the moment, living your youth at the early 80s was such a gift. 

They didn't know how it happened, but soon after they were on a gay night club. They said they were a couple to keep unwanted attention away from them, it always worked. 

They stuck on wishkey and Sirius tried some wine, wine always made him remember Moony, James on the other hand had some vodka, he always loved how you never felt the booze until you stood and suddenly didn't even remember your name. 

They danced and even competed against another couple on the dance floor, they of course, lost. But were loved by every muggle in the place, who were these guys? This normal formal citizen hanging out with this rock star? Why were they so flirty but haven't kissed once? 

When they got out of the club Sirius wristwatch ticked 3.46 am. 

"Hey Prongs, I'm almost 23"

James let out a loud laugh, they were both hugging and zig zag walking on the London Bridge, they didn't have a clue where they were heading. 

"I know mate! We met at 11, I couldn't be happier to meet you Pads" 

"Owww bro, you know you're my other half right?" 

"Thought that was Remus" James would always deny it publicly , but he used to have a tiny jealousy monster deep inside his heart. He loved the fact that Remus loved Sirius back, he loved the way they were as a couple, but somehow a deep dark piece of his heart yelled: Sirius is mine. 

Sirius let out a messy laugh. 

"Oh he is too. He is the half I want to fuck. You're the half I love to party and grow with" 

James laughed clumsily but stared at him way too deeply. 

"So you never actually wanted to fuck me?" 

They had messed in this subject since Sirius told James he was gay . Sirius blushed lightly and tried to look away from James. He chuckled nervously and looked him in the eye, brave gray eyes and slightly blushed cheeks.

"I did want to. For some time" he confessed shyly and James stood shocked. 

It was the first time in years that Sirius accepted it. James's gaze danced from Sirius eyes to his lips, he had always loved Sirius gray eyes, so full of light and joy, so brave and beautiful. He didn't know if it was the vodka but he felt this sudden maddening need to feel his soft full lips in his lips, not just a brush as the two kisses they've shared in their life, but his full mouth. To not only stare at his pale skin and firm muscles, he wanted to touch him. So badly. And Sirius understood, his eyes suddenly lit on fire. Pink cheeks from arousal and such a look in his eyes, James could feel Sirius devouring him with one single look. His knees trembled and he lowered his eyes completely blushed, he fell out of breath. Both of them with the same memory stuck in their heads. 

But he couldn't do that to Lily, he couldn't do that to Remus. Sirius was annoyingly loyal, and he loved Remus with every inch of his heart, even if he was drunk and could easily kiss him, he would hate himself for it soon after, he loved Remus way too insanely. James knew that since fourth grade.He tried to fake a smirk and act as if it didn't hurt as bad as it did. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked softly and Sirius chuckled. 

"Was scared. Terribly scared" he said honest. Both of them standing in the middle of the bridge, the Big Beng behind James. His deep blue eyes and this sudden impulse to kiss him. Sirius had to turn away almost violently to stop himself,both of them pretending they weren't thinking the exact same thing. 

"You know Lily has a crazy guilty crush on us, right?" James said softly. Lily. That name hit Sirius. He couldn't do this to Lily. He cared for her, she trusted him. He couldn't go behind her back and kiss her husband. 

Husband. JAMES WAS TAKEN. He was taken for the love of God. And you're too. You're too. Remus is waiting for you at home, probably sitting on the bed with a hot chocolate watching an old movie, reading a new novel. You can't do this to him. 

"Oh Merlin. She does?" he asked surprised and took a step away from James. Suddenly the air felt too heavy around him. 

"Yes. She once told me, really drunk" 

Sirius laughed nervously. 

"Well, Remus has been there too. But he hates it. Really hates it" Sirius said and James bit his lip. Remus. Sweet, sarcastic, brilliant Remus. He loved/envied him so much. 

"I know. He's transparent" James said honestly and Sirius chuckled. 

After a long silence, James sighed. 

"You know, I actually was afraid of you in third grade" 

"Why's that?" 

"Snivellus suggested I might be falling for you. It scared the shit out of me, I jinxed him after that" 

Sirius chuckled, his eyes extremely intrigued. James had never told him that before. 

"But I didn't want you physically, well at least not on third grade."

_And when did you? _Sirius was about to ask but bit his tongue. 

"We'll, you don't fancy blokes" he said shyly

"No, I don't." he answered in a whisper. 

_Then why do I want to kiss you and strip your clothes off?_

"I hated Lily at first" he offered shyly and James let out a loud laugh. 

"Oh, we all know that" James said and Sirius blushed. 

"You did? Oh fuck, I'm sorry. Thought I had been discreet" 

James laughed right after it. Both staring at London in silence. 

"I don't know how to explain this, but you're a part of me" James said and Sirius smiled and hugged him tightly. 

"I understand. Because I feel the same way about you. I don't see a world without you James. I couldn't. Wouldn't be able to live" 

James gave him a soft smile and hugged him. 

"I've been a mess lately, I... I like you in a way I've never liked you before. And I don't know why, and it's driving me mad" 

"I've noticed." 

"But I love Lily, I want to grow old with her, want to watch her become a Potions professor at Hogwarts, want to meet grandchildren someday. I love Remus, but sometimes I hate him for having you and that's not fair" he confessed and Sirius swallowed hard. A sting on his heart.

"I felt that way when we were younger. It's messy, but you'll sort it out soon enough." 

"Yeah" 

James nodded, they stood at the middle of the bridge and Sirius started walking, James right behind him. 

"Come on, there's something I want to do with you. Follow me" 

"Are you sure is that way? Where are we going? " 

"Of course, I know London as the back of my hand" 

They walked for another hour, James was completely lost, he had a fascination for the muggle world but never had had the chance to be in it. Sirius on the other hand used to run away from his house for small periods since he was 12. He knew London quite well. 

"Why are we at diagon ally? How did we manage to get in here?" 

"Shortcuts" 

"Pads?" 

"I've always wanted to race you" 

"Really?" 

"I bet I could be faster" 

"I'm a seeker" 

"So? " 

"You've never played quiditch properly" 

"I don't have to play to kick your ass in a race. The one that looses pays for the Christmas dinner" he said and took out his wand and instead of casting a spell like a normal wizard he broke the glass of the broom shop. Sirens started to sound loudly. 

"WHAT THE FUCK SIRIUS!?" 

"A deal is a deal" he said, took a broom and flew from the place. James laughed infested by adrenaline and did the same. 

.... 

"Is this for real?" Remus asked with an entertained look and a frown, he was escorted by a muggle police officer to the cell where James and Sirius slept behind the bars. 

The police officer hit the bars and the sound made Sirius to fall from James's lap. James woke too. 

" Are you two imbeciles out of your fucking mind!?" 

"Heyy moones, chill" 

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down Sirius Black" 

The officer had such an entertained grin on his face. 

"I'll leave you to it" he said and walked away leaving the three of them on their own. 

"Where are we?" James asked 

"On fucking prison you idiots. You were found at the needles of the Big Beng clock drinking and dancing. In the fucking needless!" 

"OH shit" 

"You were in the news. I spent the night at Lily's, we didn't sleep a thing waiting on you arseholes, and when I turn on the TV what do I see?"-*Drunk men found at an unthinkable height*- everyone is wondering how you did it"

"How did we?" Sirius asked surprised. 

"YOU FUCKING FLEW!" 

"oh shit, this is so bad" James said finally understanding the point of it all. 

"It's terrible. We're in the middle of a war, we're more notable than ever, you're dragging attention to yourselves. Unwanted attention" 

"Fuck" James now looked extremely sober and preoccupied 

"Is Lily?" 

"Bloody furious? What do you think?" 

"I get it. Let's go" James said and tried to shake Sirius who stood speechless with his eyes lost in the wall. 

He remained quiet until Remus bailed them out, they were walking now quietly under the dim rain, when suddenly Sirius burst out laughing. 

"Oh fuck! I remember, we were moonwalking on the needles of the clock. I fucking won" 

James couldn't contain his chuckle. Remus didn't even curve his lips. 

They left him at the front door of his house, he hugged Sirius tightly on a hug. 

"Doesn't matter if I get to sleep on the couch for a month, this was priceless. Thanks for the night Pads" James said while hugging him, Remus rolled his eyes annoyed. 

"I can't remember half of it, but it was amazing Prongs, I love you" 

Sirius was used of expressing his love since a kid, he usually never got an answer as a kid, but as an adult he felt an unexpected warmth every time he did. 

"Love you too Pads. And Moony, don't be too harsh on Sirius, we only had an irresponsible good night. We only live once" 

"I'll try" Remus said half jealous of not being invited, half mad of being kept awake all night. 

"Please, he becomes extremely annoying when he isn't allowed sex" 

Sirius chuckled a bit blushed, Remus bit his lip tentatively.

"Does he?"

"Stop it" 

"Oh Lord" James said realizing he had just given him an idea.

"Blimey Prongs!" Sirius complained and soon both men dissaparated, James smiled wide feeling a headache but also a light and warmth in his heart, he opened the front door of his house, he found Lily at the kitchen with tired eyes and his lips on a thin line. 

" I'm so sorry Lily" 

She didn't say a thing, she stood, took Harry from the stool and handed him to James, who took him on a hug. 

"I'll sleep all day and night. Your turn with Harry for 24 hours straight. Good luck with that" she said, gave him a soft kiss on the lips and headed upstairs. 

James headache was unbearable. He exhaled loudly and kissed his sons forehead. 

"I deserve it" he mumbled in deep resignation and went to the kitchen. 


	10. Breathless

Last time Sirius saw James it was an impulse, and even though at that moment he was feeling dumb and had regret it , he was grateful for it soon after, during his whole life. He had been out of the Ministry early, he thought maybe he could take Remus for a nice hot chocolate, it was the night before the full moon, and after everything that had happened last month, from Remus's harsh sex that he had called rape and Sirius had called furry sex closely followed by Remus's fear to touch him again to James's anxiety reflected on an innocent small kiss and shy glances at Sirius, Remus was clearly unstable. He had been more quiet, isolated, extremely clingy to Sirius.

He had avoided sex all the month and it was driving Sirius mad at the beginning but then he tried to convince himself it was for Remus's own mental stability, and soon after James had kissed him he was distracted from his absent sex life, he couldn't help but wonder why had James done that? He had been afraid at first to crash on the third year crush he had for his best friend but , he was grateful and - let's face it- surprised he hadn't. He was wandering with his head full of thoughts, he didn't notice a small old lady walking slowly right in his away, he accidentally crashed upon her and her small candy trolley.

"Shit, I'm sorry"

"It's fine boy. Fine. Anything from the trolley?"

Sirius smiled and looked at it. It was like being back to the Hogwarts express in a blink of an eye. He saw the pumpkin pie and couldn't help but smile brightly. James loved it. He was so addicted to it he once had to be hospitalized because he ate way too many.

"Pumpkin pie. Two please" he said and handed her a galleon, she smiled and took it, he told her to keep the change and started walking exactly at the opposite direction from his flat.

He wanted to see James face when he saw the pies. It was October 28th and the cold was beginning to get into his coat and through his skin, this was going to be a cold Christmas, he thought. He just didn't have idea of how fucking much.

He knocked at the door shyly, he knew he wasn't supposed to come so often, - you know who- might be following him and even though he couldn't see the house, he could torture him or use him as bait for James to come out of his hiding to save him... He shouldn't be here. But he was eager to see him. It had been more than a week since Remus had bailed them out of prison and he couldn't quite stop thinking on deep blue eyes next to the cloudy sky. 

James opened with extreme caution and found his beautiful shy gray eyes.

"Pads!" he was surprised but didn't look angry at all. 

"Hey" he walked inside as fast as he could James locking the door right behind them.

"Everything all right?" he asked concerned and Sirius blushed so hard because this was extremely unnecessary and it was dumb but couldn't stop himself. 

"Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to. I just, bought these" he said and offered him the pumpkin pie, James broke out laughing and hugged him.

"Damn you Pads" he said between chuckles.

"I'm sorry, I just... "

"No, it's... Fuck, it's amazing. Seeing you and pumpkin pie. It's amazing"

"Brought you and Lily one" he smiled more confident and James's blue eyes sparkled when he laughed, .

"Lily hates them"

"Oh shit"

"It's fine. You can have Lily's I'll make some tea"

He wasn't supposed to stay, he was supposed to be home early, and take Remus out to the small coffee he wanted to try two blocks away from his flat. He was supposed just to stop by and say hi. But truth to be told, he always loved being close to James. Since a kid. 

"Where is she?" he asked trying to be casual and James smiled softly. 

"She's having a nap with Harry upstairs. Want me to wake her?"

No. 

Sirius just shook his head trying not to look too eager to say no. Truth is he really loved having James for himself.

"Fine. Peppermint?"

"Sounds lovely"

"I've been thinking about you actually, tomorrow's full moon. Everything's going well?"

Sirius smiled softly and took the tea cup he was handed. A small sip and a bright smile, it was like going back to sixth grade to James's bedroom at the Potters, their late night talks and peppermint tea. 

"Yes. So far, it's been real good"

"Great"

He sat next to him.

Sirius was feeling extremely nervous. He didn't know why, James looked as if nothing had never happened, soft blue eyes, messy hair and the usual devilish smile. He swallowed hard and took a sip to his tea. He tried to relax, this was his best friend. Nothing more. 

They talked about the Ministry, about James's anxiety every passing day and about how badly he wanted to take the invisibility coat and run outside his house. But he was afraid of leaving Lily and Harry even for a minute. Sirius understood. He promised he could come by after his birthday and babysit so that he could go out with Lily. He just nodded, a slight tone of disappointment in his eyes.

"How long has it been?" he asked almost at the end of his pie.

"About I don't know, 5 months?"

"Don't you miss it?"

"I actually do. But it's no fun doing it on your own" James said and ate the last bit of his pie, Sirius handed him his half and James just smiled and took it. 

"We could do it now"

"Now?" he asked with his mouth half full, Sirius chuckled and nodded. He stood up and walked to the living room, he quickly turned into the big black dog with gray eyes and soft paws. James laughed nervously and scratched his ears playfully. 

"All right Pads. We'll try" he said and walked to the backyard, the dog following him closely. He opened the glass door and turned into a big strong stag. Majestic antlers and golden fur, the stag kind of smiled at the dog, and both started playing and jumping in the backyard. Lily woke up by the noise and looked at her window, she saw the stag and the dog and smiled fondly at them. She wondered if Harry would pick being an animagus when he grew up? And if he did, what animal would he become?

She closed the window and sat on her armchair, took Remus's borrowed book and tried to finish it so that Sirius could take it back to Remus.

On the backyard Padfoot was trying to bite Prongss legs. They were strong and fast, but Pads was usually faster, until Prongs accidentally stepped on him and the dog let out a whine, Sirius was back and he was kneading his hand. James turned inmediayly and still chuckling kneeled next to him.

"You idiot" he said between laughs and Sirius chuckled too.

"You gigantic fat deer"

James laughed loudly and held Sirius hand trying to knead it too. 

Sirius felt his brunette messy hair brushing his nose and suddenly the air was too thick around them, Sirius turned to see him, blue eyes, soft smile, messy dark hair. Perfect skin. No scars. No amber slight lights. No insecurities, no social stigma. He wondered for the first time in his life (and just because Remus insisted soo much) what would've been dating James instead?

"Kiss me already" he heard James's thick dominant voice and shivered. He didn't realize he was gazing fiercely at his eyes dancing through his lips. He swallowed hard and closed the distance between them, extremely nervous. Divided between guilt and madness. Fear through his skin. 

He was about to touch his lips shyly when James couldn't wait any longer and kissed him. Parted lips and for the first time, anxious touches. Sirius fell out of breath and felt himself being incredibly hard already. James broke the kiss as soon as his mind was cleared. Less than half a minute. 

"Fuck. We need to stop this" he said determined but hurt. Sirius swallowed hard, he felt his heart too loud, his mind too messy. 

"Fuck you Prongs. I thought you were fucking straight" Sirius said between chuckling and tearing and James gave him a broken smile.

"I don't know anymore"

But truth is, it didn't matter if he was bisexual or straight. Lily mattered. Remus mattered.

He closed his eyes and bit his lip.

"I hate that I want it so badly, I don't even know why, you're practically my brother" he said on a low whisper and James swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry Pads. I shouldn't drag you into this, I don't quite know what's happening"

Sirius gave him a broken smile and stood up, James stood behind him and they both walked into his kitchen.

"No. You fucking shouldn't. Because as soon as the war is over and you're able to go out and be free, you'll stick to Lily and what happens if you make my life tremble?"

"You would never leave Remus for me" he said a bit hurt and offended, Sirius chuckled. James was so used to have everything his way.

"Same goes for Lily" he said and stared at him between anger and desire.

James didn't say no. But didn't say yes neither. They both stared at each other in silence, tied tongues and loud hearts. 

"I gotta go. It's late" Sirius said coldly and James felt his heart breaking, he walked to the door right behind him. He took him by the arm extremely anxious. 

"I'm sorry Pads. Don't be mad at me" he said way too adorable and Sirius felt his heart skip a beat. 

He chuckled madly, but his eyes were soft. 

"I'm not mad at you James. I'm mad at myself. At everything, but not you." he said a bit broken and James hugged him tightly.

"I'm sorry. I love you Sirius. You know that, right?"

Sirius smiled wide.

"Don't worry. It's fine, we'll figure it out. I love you more Prongs. Thanks for the tea" he placed a soft burning kiss on his neck, he felt James shivering, he pulled away as a reflex 

"Thanks for the pie... By the way I've got something for you" he said and walked to the small cupboard where he kept his broom and some Hogwarts books, he took out a black small box and gave it to him.

"What is it?" he asked curiously. 

"It's a ring"

Sirius terrified eyes made James chuckle.

"No. Idiot. It's the matching ring that you gave Remus. I found it, this one's for you"

He wanted so badly to tell him what the fuck was wrong with him? Kissing him and then giving him a ring for his boyfriend? But that just exposed how messed things were with James mind at the moment. So he just took it and smiled. Gave him a strong warm hug, and stared into his blue eyes.

He didn't know at that moment, but that was the last time he saw him alive.

...... 

Sirius threw Remus's golden wand to his lap, he took out his and pointed at his partner. 

"Come on, I need to practice, I'm all rusty" 

"I doubt that" Remus said and left his wand beside him while holding the book he was reading open on his lap, he had just been out of a particular difficult full moon, he didn't know why it had been so hard, maybe because he was emotionally unstable since Sirius managed to cancel his missions, making him feel useless in this war, and then managed to disappear one whole night in the middle of the war, making him feel extremely anxious, or maybe it was the fact that he had dissaparated a whole night with James, and one day before full moon he had been with James too, for the first time without telling him where he was heading to.

He didn't know if he was being paranoid, Sirius was different, he was softer, more quiet and sweet, less lustful which was incredibly odd... Remus had this terrible ghost on his mind, what if James and Sirius had finally realized they were more than friends?

He had denied sex to Sirius since the last time when he had fucked him on full moon, one month later and he still couldn't trust himself to touch or be touched by Sirius. What if the wolf woke up without advice? Sirius had been calm, even when Remus could read desire on his gray eyes, and then after spending that night with James he was calmer, sweeter, no dirty jokes, no heavy looks, no messy kisses, so Remus couldn't help but wonder... What if they had had sex? 

His nerves were completely shattered, and he was unable to even mention a clue to Sirius. He was so fucking emotional and pathetic. 

He looked at the book in his lap trying to ignore his amazingly gorgeous boyfriend who was standing a few feet away from him, looking anxious as always. Remus had a large red scar from side to side of his face, it burnt quite painfully. His body was even worse than that, but what hurt the most was Sirius's scar. He couldn't stop looking at his wide red scar on his neck. He had done that to Padfoot. For the first time in a decade. He had hurt Sirius. It had been as if all his anger and anxiety was freed and the wolf unexpectedly turned to attack Padfoot. His greatest fear turning real. 

Since that moment he apologized a thousand times and his ice treatment had been over, he was ashamed and sunken on deep self-hatred. 

Even his eyes were dark, he had been extremely insecure since that, Sirius could see guilt everytime Remus looked at him. 

"Moony come on" 

"No. I don't want to duel with you, you're hurt. Give yourself some time to heal" 

"It was days ago! I'm fine. You were far worse and are better" 

"The werewolf stamina Sirius. You're only human" 

"Moony pleeease" he really did his best to give him puppy eyes and throw a small adorable tantrum. Remus exhaled while bitting his lip. 

Oh Lord, he was weak. 

"You're impossible Sirius Black" 

Sirius smiled knowing he had just won. Remus took his wand and walked out of bed, leaving the book on his nightdesk, he walked to the living room where he knew Sirius had already moved the furniture so that they could both fit. 

"You enjoy this because you always win, right?" he said teasingly and his boyfriend gave him a smirk. 

"But I always struggle to, and I'm an auror. So that means youre bloody good" he complimented him with a soft grin, Remus blushed and gave him a shy smile then he let out a dramatic sigh. 

"On the count of three" He said taking his wand and pointing at Sirius. 

"One" 

Sirius smiled excited. Dueling Remus had always given him an unexplainable adrenaline. Remus's green eyes always used to light up in amber every time he fueled, it was instinct, and Sirius loved it. It made him feel fuzzy and way too horny. 

"Two" 

Remus had to admit it was bloody sexy to watch Sirius duel, his gracious combination between wandless magic, and clever spells, Remus never understood Sirius ability to move as if he was dancing while dueling, he usually enjoyed it so much they always ended up having long wild sex after it. He will never admit it out loud, but he was longing for it. 

"Three" 

"*_Expelliarmus_*" Remus started and Sirius blocked it with his arm, Remus rolled his eyes. Of course he had seen that coming. 

"*_avifors_*" Remus blocked it with his wand and let out a chuckle. 

"Really? You ask me to duel but come back with this?" Remus asked arrogant and Sirius gave him a devilish smile. 

"Don't wanna hurt you" he said softly and Remus rolled his eyes. 

"Stop it, you know I'm not easy to take. _*Avis Oppungo_*" 

A hundred birds flew from Remus wand directly to Sirius, he had to admit it was scary as shit.

"*_Bombarda_*" Sirius said and saw how thousand birds exploded, hundred of feathers coming down. 

"Well that was dramatic *_Engorgio_ *" he said with no hesitation. His green eyes fixed on gray ones. 

"*_Redectum_! *" Sirius was able to stop it before it hurt too bad, he watched Remus in shock. 

"You wanted to duel" he said with a devilish grin and Sirius felt his heart pounding way too hard. He was way too aroused. 

"*_fumos_*" 

A dense black smoke curtain made Sirius suddenly invisible. 

"*_Lumos"*"_Remus started turning looking for him, turning a bit afraid of his boyfriend. 

"*_reducto_*" he heard and felt a sudden pain in his chest, he was feeling out of breath when he heard "*_reparo_ *" and the pain was gone. 

" Fuck" he said gasping for air and fell to his knees. 

"You okay?" Sirius ran worried kneeling next to him, Remus knew Sirius insisted on dueling so that he was able to fight like an auror, to take out a death eater. He understood from his broken glare and painful look that Sirius didn't want to duel, but was too afraid to lose him. So he had to. 

"I'm fine. Everythings fine. You're too good" 

Sirius let out a chuckle. 

"Not half as good as he is. Never lose sight of the other person. Never Moony." 

Remus felt a cold sweat in his back, Siriuss voice had terrified warning tones, his heart shrunk at the thought of Sirius taking a Crucio from Voldemort a year ago. He hugged the man kneeling beside him. 

"I love you Pads. We'll make it out alive." 

Sirius nodded and kissed him deeply, broken eyes and weak smile, as the days flew by he thought that maybe he wasn't getting out alive, Remus didn't know but he had been hurt and vulnerable at least 3 times the last month he had always ran to James and he had cured him, keeping it as a secret from Remus. There was no use to add more stress to his partner, he sighed and felt a bit of warmth in his chest, it was Halloween afternoon and Sirius wanted to get out, he used to love Halloween since he was a kid. Maybe because it was the only time of the year his mother gave him and Regulus permission to go on their own to the street. 

"It's getting dark, you said you'd take Padfoot for a walk asking for candy" 

"Adults don't ask for candy love " 

"They're for your dog! Come on" 

Remus rolled his eyes and stood, he walked to the kitchen, Sirius at his toes. 

"Okay fine, I'll walk you. But you'll wear a leash. And you'll have to fuck me right now" 

"Now? Seriously? We're back to sex? " Sirius was surprised and extremely grateful for it. 

"Yes, right here" Remus said with firm words and desperate eyes. Sirius smirked. 

"On the kitchen!?" 

"Yes. You know dueling with you kinda drives me insane and I've been through a lot of stress, jealousy, and fuck, you're so fucking beautiful" 

Sirius blushed lightly and chuckled, walking to Remus. 

"I've noticed wandless magic does turn you on. You're jealous about James again? " he asked shyly. He wanted to tell Remus about it, but he just didn't know how or when. 

"Don't mention it, and no, I do not agree on wandless magic" 

"No, you don't agree but it turns you on, right?" he said with a lifted black eyebrow his gray eyes suddenly too deep, too beautiful. Remus felt his stomach turn wildly. 

"Risking your life turns me on? Of course not" 

"Succeeding at it does. I've seen how you look at me" 

He said and walked tentatively to his boyfriend, kissed his jaw and slid his arm around his waist. Remus felt the embrace and the wet kisses on his neck, and his knees trembled. 

Remus was about to say something clever when a light ball came into their living room, Sirius didn't even think about it, he stood right in front of Remus protecting him. 

"*_The Potters are dead, Voldemort's dead. The war is over_ *" 

The potters. 

James

Lily

Harry

Dead. 

**JAMES**

Sirius started shaking, his heartbeat about to break his own ribs, it was beating so hardly, it hurt. His stomach turned furiously and he felt he could throw up at any moment. Remus on the other side felt only a cold painful stab on his heart, he knew nothing will ever be the same after it. 

He grabbed Sirius hand and saw his gray eyes lost in pain, his wet cheeks, his desperation while mumbling broken "no" s under his breath. He wanted to scream but couldn't. He was breathless. 

Sirius had a masochist compilation of memories with James playing repeatedly on his mind, from his first pranks at first grade to the last shy kiss they had shared at his house a week ago. He was out of breath and he couldn't stop listening to the same words on his head. 

The potters are dead. 

Voldemort's dead. 

Did James defeated Voldemort? Then why would Lily and Harry be dead? Did Lily and James fought him and a terrible accident killed them all? 

What it felt like a thousand years was only half a minute, Sirius knew he would never feel this pain in his life again. Unless of course... Remus. 

He mumbled a low and broken "James" and dissaparated inmediatly. Remus was left alone on the kitchen, his mind too blurry, his heart too broken. James and Lily. And little Harry, just a baby. 

He felt completely empty. 

He knew this was a scar marked upon them for the rest of their lives, he knew the pain he was feeling was now unbearable for someone like Sirius. 

Sirius. 

He dissaparated knowing exactly where to find him. And he did. Sirius was already on his knees in the last step of the stairs hugging James's dead body. He was crying loudly and was holding him so tightly. So tight that Remus could swear he was bruising James pale skin. He kneeled next to him and touched his best friends still warm hand.

"Oh Prongs" Remus let out in a sob and then noticed he too was crying. Sirius was mad. He had never seen him so destroyed, so lost. He tried to talk to him but it seemed as if Sirius wasn't there anymore. His forehead resting on James's, his arms holding him close to his chest.

As loud lighting came a memory to his head. James voice loud and clear on his mind

"*_H__arry_*"

Remus left Sirius to his grief and with his heart broken and his soul bleeding he opened the door that led to Harry's nursery. First thing he saw was shocking. Severus Snape was sitting next to the crib with Lilys lifeless body on his arms. Remus felt his knees trembling when he saw her green eyes open with no light. He took out his wand and pointed directly to Severus.

"Leave her alone" he said with his voice broken and shaking. He couldn't bare to look at the crib, he knew he couldn't take it. To watch an innocent baby's lifeless body was something he didn't feel ready for.

"I... I'm so sorry. I, he promised... I love her"

"He promised what?"

"I'm so sorry"

"You fucking knew?! You knew Pettigrewwwas a traitor and you didn't tell her?! You didn't save her?" Remus let out on an uncontrollable yell, which pulled Sirius out of his madness and pain. Remus was talking to someone. Maybe Voldemort was still here.

Maybe Remus was in grave danger. He left James on the stairs and ran to the nursery, his wand out, his stomach turning even more fiercely at the thought of losing Moony.

He opened the door to find Severus holding the woman he loved. The woman his best friend loved too, and had actually marry. The woman he had hated at first and adored at the end. Next to them in the edge of the room was Tom Riddles body. Sirius felt he could pass out. This was the worst possible nightmare.

"How dare you come into their house when you and your master are the reason they're dead" Sirius was hurt. The sweet taste of revenge driving him insane, his wand way too ready to cast its first unforgivable curse.

Until a baby cried and they both turned to the crib.

"Oh God, Harry!" Remus said with a thin broken smile and took him in arms.

Harry was alive. He had a bleeding scar on his forehead, Remus inmediatly cleaned him with his shirt. He hugged him tight and started whispering softs : "We're here. You're safe. We are here"

"We need to leave" he told Sirius when he realized the danger they were exposing Harry to, but the man was lost in madness, chuckling and pointing directly at Severus.

"She didn't love you. She loved James. Leave her, she'll rest by his side...way too soon thanks to you " he said and Severus felt his heart aching, he held on tighter to Lily. Sobbing loudly and unable to say a word.

"We need to go Sirius!" Remus insisted and tried to take his arm, but was shoved away.

"You fucking bastard *_Crucio_*" he said looking directly at Severus who only panted once, out of breath, what was wrong? He wanted to hurt him, to torture him, why couldn't he?

"Doesn't work on rage Sirius, we need to leave! Now!" Remus said and shook him trying to get him into his senses.

"I'm sorry" Severus kept mumbligg holding Lily and kissing her hair softly.

Sirius felt the need to put him apart of her. Lily belonged to James. Nothing more.

"You took him away from me" Sirius said broken with his shaking hand holding the black wand.

"They'll come" Severus said in a dark low voice.

Sirius kept pointing at his face, a loud sound was heard on the front door. Remus took Harry tightly and grabbed Sirius by his arm, he dissapparated with them.

They apparatad on the small cabin next to the ocean. Harry was crying loudly, scared and out of breath because of the sudden apparition. Sirius was laughing madly, cursing under his breath while sobbing and yelling.

Remus was torn apart. His best friends were gone. Pettigrew betrayed them. Sirius was lost in pain, walking straight to madness, a baby boy had just lost his parents and was crying in his arms.

He swallowed his pain and took Sirius by the shoulders, for the first time in his life he let the wolf out intentionally, he held him hard enough to bruise, hoping physical pain could make him return.

It worked.

"Sirius, listen well. We have one priority now, and is keeping Harry safe. I'll be inside with him, I need you to cast as much protective spells as you can, I need you to protect us, can you do that for me?"

Sirius just nodded between sobs. Unable to think straight. He couldn't escape the pain, the rage, the madness. But Remus was asking for protection. His nature was extremely similar to a dog's. So he just nodded, took out his wand and started mumbling spells under his breath and between his weeping .

Remus closed the door behind him and with shaking hands put baby Harry on the bed, crying loudly.

"Harry, it's me. I'm here, everything fine" he said and kissed his forehead. The one year old baby mumbled a weak "mommy" between his tears and Remus heart broke and felt how he started crying too, he hugged the baby boy again akd kissed his cheek.

"Mommy's not here Harry. Just me. I'm here. " he said and started rocking little Harry, he cried for 10 more minutes and after it, fell completely asleep.

When Sirius finished he didn't hear Harry anymore, he turned into Padfoot and went running as fast as he could, fast enough to clear his mind, to wipe his pain.

He wanted to kill Pettigrew to torture him. He wanted to kill Snape, he wanted to bury his friends, James holding Lily. He was desperate to kill every godamn death eater. But most of all, he wanted to turn time around. He wanted to go back a decade or longer, he wanted James back.

Suddenly he noticed an owl flying next to him, way too close, he quickly turned left and the owl did too. He was being followed, he stopped harshly and the owl flew back to him. Looking him in the eye. He recognized it. It was James's owl.

Padfoot turned and the owl opened his claws and a small roll of paper fell into the thin snow. Sirius took it and opened it desperate, he thought that maybe, just maybe, it was all a lie and they were fine.

But it wasn't anything like it.

"_Mate, if you're reading this, it means we lost. I hope with all of my heart Lily and Harry are alive and well. If Lily's not, then I hope we did a good job and Harry is. _

I_ leave this only for you, because I know you. You've always loved too deeply, too much, too insanely. I know you loved me, and I loved you too. Please never, ever forget it. You'll always be my other half. _

_We knew this was a war, and in wars we lose lives. Maybe we didn't deserve to get into one at such a short age, but we did. Don't be infested by rage or revenge, don't fall into hatred. Fall into love, even deeper, even more. If Harry is alive - Which I really much hope so- then love him. Love him wildly, teach him to race in a broom, give him the cloak and tell him about the map. Tell him every amazing adventure we lived, and all about our time at Hogwarts. Tell him about Lily, about how much we loved him. Please don't let him forget us. _

B_ut also raise him as your own. I know I'm asking for a lot. I know it will be hard and that you never expected to raise a kid, but you and Remus are the ones we trust the most. _

_Allow him to call you dad, and please find a way to make him call Remus moomy. I know it's awkward, but he'll be so embarrassed , and I know how hilarious Moony can be when he's embarrassed. _

_Pads, If we really lost and Harry's gone too, please bury us together, and don't ever forget us. Be brave, be strong, and love. If we are gone, don't lose yourself Sirius. Don't lose hope. _

_Don't lose the spark in your eyes. _

_Love is what we hold on when everything's turned to ashes. I regret nothing, and I'm grateful for today. Remember there will always be a light, and when the time has come, I'd be delighted to see you again._

_I love you Pads"_

Sirius fell to his knees and cried holding the paper next to his heart. He cried out of pain, not rage, not revenge. Just pain.

He didn't know how long it took him to finally calm down, the night was dark and he could see hundreds of stars. He exhaled, took the letter and tucked it in his leather jacket and walked to the small cabin.

When he opened the door of their bedroom, he found Remus crawled on the bed completely asleep, he had little Harry crawled in his arms, both breathing peacefully.

One look at his new family was all it took for Sirius to hold all his broken pieces together. He took off the jacket and his trousers. He slid to the bed next to Remus, Remus had light sleep, and the stress he was into made him extremely paranoid. He jumped at the feeling of another body behind him but was instantly relaxed when he received a soft kiss in his nose.

"I'm sorry, I lost it. I won't ever leave you alone again Moony"

"I know Pads, I'm all right. We... We'll survive this, eventually. "

Sirius bit his lip and kissed his cheek.

"I love you Moony, more than anything. , Thanks for caring for Harry while I was lost"

Remus chuckled.

"We are a team. He's our responsibility, he's ours now"

Sirius just nodded, his throat was to tightly tied.

They couldn't sleep that night, but they also couldn't speak to each other.

Too much pain.

Too much fear.

His fingers tangled, they both embracing a one year old baby who slept peacefully between them.


	11. Time to panic

Harry woke at 4 am, he was hungry. Remus recalled Lily used to breastfeed him and panicked, Sirius on the other side of the bedroom was rocking him desperately trying to get him to sleep. He needed silence, he was mourning his best friend and taking care of a one year old way too loud baby was not what his mental health needed.

"We need some milk" 

"It's in the fridge" Sirius said madly.

Remus turned to see him with annoyed eyes. 

"Baby milk. Formula Sirius" 

"Oh...shit" 

"We need to go to a pharmacy" 

"We can't. Is too risky" 

"We can't let him starve Sirius" 

"What about tea? Or ham, we have cheese, maybe an apple? He has teeth" 

Remus considered it but shook his head, he could see Sirius was at the edge of losing his shit again and to be quite honest he was almost having a panic attack.

Little Harry cried even louder on Siriuss arms, Remus was starting to lose his temper. Sirius had already lost it. 

"We need help" 

"We can't trust no one. Not even Dumbledore" Sirius said with his nerves shattered and rocking the baby even more aggressively.

"We can trust my mother" Remus said and Sirius thought about it for quick seconds, then nodded. 

They apparated with baby Harry at 4.23 am in the front door of a small house in a small rustic north Welsh town. Remus knocked the door twice, his mother opened a bit shocked by the hour. 

She was near her sixties, wearing a pink robe and her light brown hair was infested by silver hairs, her green eyes and soft smile. She smiled when she saw them, then noticed the baby and her expression was merely confusion. They walked inside, Sirius started casting protective charms while Remus held the crying baby.

"We'll explain later. The baby's hungry, we don't know what to do, and we can't stand the noise" 

She was so full of questions but simply nodded and went to the small kitchen, soon enough his father was downstairs and awake too, far too shocked when he saw the baby on his son's arms. Bright green eyes between so much tears. He wondered when was the last time he had seen Remus, he wondered if maybe he had spent 9 months without visiting. But no, Remus always used to visit once a month. 

"Here" she said and took baby Harry, she started feeding him with a glass bottle of milk. 

The baby fell quiet. 

"Finally" Sirius said with his tired eyes and a maniac smile. 

No one said anything until Remus's mother rocked baby Harry to sleep and tucked him on the bed, covering the little body with a thick warm blue blanket. 

"Why do you have a baby bottle?" Remus asked a bit surprised.

"It's yours. Well, it used to be." 

"Oh" 

"What happened?" his father asked with a concerned look on his face. 

"Remember James and Lily?" 

"Yes" 

"They were murdered by Voldemort tonight. He thought Harry was the chosen one... from a prophecy, and I think Lily sacrificed herself and by giving her life... saved Harry's. I still dont know how Voldemort was killed though" 

"Strong old magic" His father mumbled to himself, Remus just nodded, not quite understanding it all. Sirius was still shaking, unable to talk about it, unable to even think about it. 

James was gone.  
Lily was gone.

"Before they died, they asked us if it ever happened... to keep Harry and raise him as our own" Remus said with insecure trembling voice.

His father looked a bit surprised by it, usually gay couples weren't trusted with kids. He knew it was stupid, and he himself had learnt the hard way not too judge anyone. He used to be that kind of man and had doomed his son's life because of it. He wasn't making the same mistake twice. 

"I don't know if it was a good idea after all" Remus said a bit ashamed almost In a whisper, and his mom hugged him. 

"It is an amazing idea. You'll be excellent parents. It's hard, raising a kid is really hard, but I know you can make it. Both of you" she said and gave Sirius a warm smile, she noticed Sirius was about to crumble crying. 

"It's okay Sirius. You just lost your best friend. You have the right to mourn, but you also have someone to keep on living for. So don't mourn forever" 

"I know" he said between sobs, and she hugged him. 

And oh lord, Sirius used to love Remus's muggle mom. She was kind, sweet, brave and had taken him in since the first time she met him, he used to come for dinner almost every night, it seemed almost surreal. Sirius considered her and Eupheminia Potter his real mothers. 

He cried silently on her shoulder, until he felt his heartbeat steady again, Remus hugged him after it, they both shared a small kiss. 

"I'll help you with the baby boy for now, you just need orientation, then you'll do it easily" 

"Harry, his name is Harry" Remus said and she nodded. 

"Harry. I had lost all hope to become a grandmother, life has it's own ways" she said still smiling and Sirius felt his heart ache. 

_we stole James life_

"Get some sleep Remus, both of you. you'll need it, I'll watch over them" his father said and Remus nodded, he grabbed Sirius by the hand and they both went to Remus's old bedroom, it didn't take long for exhaustion to win. 

They fell asleep. 

\----

Dumbledore was staring almost creepily at Sirius who was sleeping deeply in Remus's arms, the werewolf seemed exhausted and was also sleeping, holding him tightly pressed to his chest. He had been there for a while now. Drinking his cup of tea, waiting for them to wake up. Remus was the first to move, he opened his eyes lazily and saw in a confused blur Dumbledore sitting in front of him, it wasn't possible, couldn't be, where was he? He wasn't at Hogwarts any longer, they weren't even at London, he opened his eyes again and saw clearer, yes, Dumbledore was sitting right in front of their bed. Fuck. 

Harry. 

He sat with his heart wild and started shaking Sirius. 

"Pads, get up now" 

"minutelonger" he mumbled half asleep and Remus shook him harder. 

"Pads, now. Harry" 

And that word was all it took for Siriuss brain to remind him the last 24 hours. 

James was gone. He had a responsability now. 

He sat with his heart broken, opened his eyes and let out a scream when he saw Dumbledore. 

"What the fuck!?!" Sirius yelled with his hand dramstically placed in his chest.

"I know, I'm sorry for the abrupt visit, but I couldn't wait" 

"Where's Harry?" Sirius asked madly and stood up, his wand ready in his hand, Dumbledore lifted his hands. 

"With Remus's mother, downstairs. I didn't come here to take him" 

"You didn't?"

"Well, I'm supposed to, but Minerva insisted we talked first" 

"Oh fine, let's do that. Harry stays with us. James asked us personally to raise him and we will. End of story" 

Dumbledore stood quiet.

"I know that, he told me. But after Lily stood between Voldemort's curse and Harry, she gave him protection. Blood protection. Harry needs to stay with her family" 

"You mean her horrible muggle sister?" Sirius asked with his wand still held high. 

"Yes" 

"We can't allow that" Remus said on a low firm voice and Dumbledore felt a warm sting on his chest when he saw that the broken little boy was now a brave independent man. 

"He'll be back, Voldemort's not dead. He'll come looking for him, and he'll be in grave danger when he does" 

"He's not dead?" Remus looked shocked, he clearly remembered the handsome body of Tom Riddle on the floor lying next to Lily.

"We'll be waiting" Sirius said lowering his wand not really showing any sign of listening to him and Dumbledore sighed. 

"By keeping him, you're exposing him"

"We'll hide, for as long as it takes. He belongs here, where he's loved" Sirius said and Dumbledore gave them a broken smile. 

"You'll be in grave danger. If you let him stay with Lily's sister, you can visit, be around..." 

"No. I know what it feels like to grow in a place where you're not wanted nor loved, it doesn't matter who you have close, it hurts. Every fucking day it hurts" Sirius said and Remus gave him a broken smile, took his hand and tangled their fingers. 

"We'll keep him Albus. And it'd be great to have your help and support, but if we don't, then that's fine, we understand. But Harry stays with us" Remus said calmly. 

"I see" he said with a kind smile. And let out a sigh. "Very well then, I strongly suggest to lay low. A quiet normal muggle life will help him, and it'll keep you safe... For now. You know how to find me, I'll be available if you ever require something" 

Sirius stood a bit shocked

"You're not fighting us?" 

"Of course not Mr. Black, I can't go against James last will. And I'm sure you'll make an excellent job" he said and handed Remus a closed envelope. 

"I expect to see you soon." 

"Thanks, maybe in a couple of years" Remus said with an honest small smile. 

"Perhaps ten years" he said and gave Sirius a last long look. 

"Good to see you Mr. Black" Dumbledore said with a smirk and Sirius froze with a light blush. Lately all the times he had encountered Dumbledore he had yelled at him, he felt embarrassed and just nodded. Dumbledore walked out of the room and left through the front door giving little Harry a soft smile before he left. 

Remus opened the envelope to find James and Liliys Potter Will, and a key to a vault in Gringotts. He let it fly and the will unwrapped itself and started reading itself out loud.

" _The last Will and Testament of James Potter and Lily Jane Potter, To Sirius Orion Black we leave our son's - Harry James Potter- full custody, we also leave our Gringotts vault and all of our possessions except one mentioned below in hope that it'll be enough to help him raise our son. To Remus John Lupin, we leave him the invisibility cloak in hope he's wise enough to put it in good use and know the right time to give it to Harry_"

Then a small closed howler got out of the envelope and it started speaking. 

It was James voice again. 

_"Moony, I'm sorry we couldn't include you equally on the will, you know Ministry legislation can decide over anything owned by a werewolf, and we couldn't risk it, but I want you to know you inherited Harry's custody, and vault, and everything Sirius did equally. And Padfoot, Lily insisted that Remus was the chosen one for the cloak, no hard feelings mate. Love you guys"_

Sirius let out a small laugh, his eyes full of tears, his breath unsteady, Remus felt warmth in his chest and had a tied knot at his throat. 

"Oh Merlin, I miss him so fucking much" Sirius said between tears and Remus held him on a tight hug. 

"I know. I miss him too" he said with a suffocated broken voice and hugged him until Sirius breathing became regular again. 

\------

Sirius never understood how he managed to keep on living without Lily and James, maybe it was watching Remus peacefully sleeping next to him at nights, maybe it was that little baby boy who used to smile back at him every single time their eyes met. 

Perhaps it could be watching the man he loved hunching and holding Harry's little arms, helping the little baby with his first steps. Extremely proud and excited. 

Sometimes when guilt infested his heart and he thought he had stolen James life, he re-read the letter James had given him, usually that was all it took for him to shake away those ideas, but some nights it just wasn't enough. 

Some nights were easier, full of smiles, warm kisses and the realization that your life couldn't be any better. But other nights were extremely hard, such as this one. 

He walked to the kitchen shyly, it was October 30th 1982. He saw Remus reading in the kitchen, his hot tea and the dim rain behind him, the black forest and the thin moon lighting up the ocean. 

"Moony" 

"Hey Pads" he said and looked at him with a shy smile, he saw anxiety and hurt in his gray eyes. 

"You all right?" Remus asked and stood up holding his hand. 

"I, I'm not. It's been a year" he said in a broken voice and Remus nodded. 

"I know" 

"Sometimes I feel that we stole his life." 

"Don't, we didn't Pads. We just were extremely lucky and inherited a piece of himself. That way he's still here." he said referring to Harry and pointed at Sirius heart. 

"Oh, I know. I just... It's hard" 

Remus nodded. 

"It is." 

"Don't you ever think we stole his future?" 

"No. Because we didn't. Voldemort did. But sometimes when Harry walks or says a new word, smiles or cuddles with us, I wish he could've lived that" 

Sirius swallowed loudly. 

"I know, he would've been so proud and would've spoiled him so much" 

"Lily would've never allowed that" 

Sirius let out a broken low laugh. 

"I know. She was tough" 

"She was" 

"Do you think we made the right choice?" 

"Are you kidding me Pads? It was Petunia or us. We made the right choice" 

"I mean to raise him...as a couple" 

"Oh, you want us to behave as friends?" Remus asked with broken voice and Sirius eyes were terrorized. 

"No, never. I just wonder, that's all" 

"Well, we can be discreet, and when he's old enough, we can explain it to him. We're not doing anything wrong" 

"I know, is just love. Different love" Sirius said and Remus nodded, gave him a soft kiss on the lips. 

"Don't torture yourself love. Kids are born with no prejudices at all" 

Sirius let out a broken maniac laugh. 

"Fuck, I sound like my mother right?" 

"Not even close" 

Sirius smiled at him, his gray eyes always so full of light when they were placed at Remus. 

"I need cuddles" he said with his glassy eyes and Remus felt his heart warm and vibrant, he hugged his boyfriend and kissed his black messy hair. 

"Let's go to bed, I'll cuddle you" 

**Author's Note:**

> Any Grammar corrections are welcome. I'm kinda excersicing my English, it's been a while since I've written anything in English. If you like the story, let me know too.


End file.
